10 Names That Would Get My Kid Beat Up
Posted on 06 06, 2006 under Predad by Noodad |
Naming your kids is a very important task in the realm of
fatherhood. The name needs to be unique enough and common enough:
Unique enough that they don't share the same name with fifty of their
classmates and common enough that they will not be subject to
mispronounciations and ridicule.
But it doesn't stop at just
first names. You need to think about how middle names sound when
hearing the full name, what type of crazy 3-letter word the initials
make, and what type of nicknames could rhyme with the name. I knew a
girl in school with the initials ARF and man, was she a dog, too. It's
a complex puzzle to solve.
Scratch off the names of all the annoying people in your lifetime
off the list, and you could find yourself in an even tighter
predicament. You might love the name Karen (probably because there was
some hot girl in junior high named Karen) but your wife might have
known a bitch name Karen (could have been the same girl) and the name
would be off the list.
So now consider the extra requirement my
wife and I needed to go through when naming our kids. With my last
name, "Ng", pronounced "Ing", we had a new set of issues. Following are
the 10 worst possible names for my children. Because at the time of our
first kid's birth, we did not know the sex, we had to prepare ourselves
with boys and girls names. Man, they owe us big for not naming them
these names as they would surely get beat up in school the entire life.
Number 10: Chase
Chase
used to be a white richboy name but these days, parents are naming
their sons and daughters, Chase. Well, my kids, boy or girl, will not
be rich or entirely white and certainly won't be named Chase Ng
(Chasing).
Number 9: Buck
A name like Buck can bring
feelings of "cash money" or an Air Force pilot sent into the future. A
name like Buck Ng (Bucking), on the other hand, only brings one thing
to mind: a bronco. God forbid if the kid had buckteeth and a thing for
molasses.
Number 8: Gay
Regardless of last name, you
need to be a special kind of person to pull this one off. And before
you go and think my daughter would go around the neighborhood, Gaying
up everything, you need to take a chill pill.
Number 7: Carol
I
actually have a cousin who before she got married, was named Carol Ng.
Not the worst thing to happen to you. After all, people only carol when
they are happy during Christmas time right? I mean if you are working
the chain gang, singing spirituals, do they call that caroling?
Number 6: Max
Max
is a very popular name these days. In fact, I have 2 friends who have
boys named Max. But Max just wouldn't do for our family. Let me use it
in context for you. "Maxing and relaxing shootin' some B-ball outside
of school" Don't get me wrong, Fresh Prince rules…if this was the early
90's.
Number 5: Patrick
Patrick is a nice name as
well. But remember, you need to think of nicknames. Surely, savvy
little kids will think to call my poor little kid Pat Ng (Patting). I
know when I was a kid, I would have thought of that. And I would have
made fun of that kid every day at school. And that just ain't right.
Number 4: Penelope
Penelope
is a nice old tyme name (notice I used the vintage lemonade way of
spelling "time") We sort of like the nickname of Penny. But we had to
rule out all names that ended in the "pee" sound. PeneloPEEING would
not have sounded good at all.
Number 3: Chuck
Even if
my son was named Charles, those kids would end up coming him Chuck. And
then he would be teased so much that he will either be the kid who is
anal about being called, "Charles", or the kid who throws up a lot.
Either way, it isn't pretty.
Number 2: Jack
I like the
name Jack. It's strong, friendly, and the name of someone that could be
the shizzle in school. But not with the name Jack Ng (jacking). I can
just hear it now: "What are you jacking Jack? Are you jacking off?"
Number 1: Dick
Ah yes, the ultimate "start your kid off on the wrong foot" name. This really requires no explanation.
There
you have it noodads. The five worst possible names for my kids. How
about you? Were there any names that you eliminated from the decision
pool because it would open your kid up to a lifelong bout of ridicule?
We want to hear about it.
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