Sorry to say it noodads, but sometimes, you just aren"t as good as mommy. In some situations, mommy is the only thing that will do. You might be inclined to think your wife has an edge over you because they have boobs. Or it might be the fact that mom"s tend to have a more nurturing effect. It usually is neither. Don"t fret! Normally, favoritism towards mommy is just an arbitrary decision to diss you because your number came up that day. You can"t fight it or try to teach against it. You must simply wait it out until your wife is on the chopping block, not you.
Sometimes your kids will diss you in favor of mommy for small things. Sometimes they are more significant. Last week, my daughter threw a monster fit for almost 10 minutes because I was putting her to bed, not mommy. Later she says to me, "You aren"t as good as mommy." Read the rest of this entry »
I see you everyday, pushing a stroller with one hand, a lit butt in the other. You are outside. The smoke from your cancer stick is flowing around you and your kid. I know it is bothering her because in the two brief seconds that I encountered you, it really bothered me. How often do you do this? Are you doing it at home? Are you doing it in the car? Are you at least opening the bloody windows? If not then you might as well be jamming a cigarette in her mouth and let her smoke along with you.
This past weekend, my wife made an unexpected visit to the
emergency room with my daughter. Friday morning, my daughter woke up
with over 25 mosquito bites all over her body including 3 underneath
her left eye. Apparently mosquitos got into her room in the night
(probably due to faulty weatherproofing of the air conditioning unit I
installed) and massacred my little girl.
After 24 hours, the
bites under her eye started to swell to Italian Stallion proportions.
The eye became tender, extremely painful, and bigger by the hour. It
was time to call the Urgent Care number (reserved for questions during
weekend hours). That was followed by a quick appointment, then a
redirect to the emergency room at the hospital. The result was a
diagnosis of Cellulitis, an infection in the deep tissues of the skin.
This was caused by my daughter scratching her mosquito bite and getting
it infected. A 7 day dose of antibiotics should clear it up. Read the rest of this entry »
Noodads, I did something I swore to myself I never would. This weekend I went into the largest selling Honda dealership in the world in my trusty Honda Civic and walked out with a brand new 2006 Honda Odyssey. This was more than just an exchange of car keys, this was a step into a world of soccer practices and sleep-overs.
A co-worker recently mentioned to me that she and her friends refer to this action as "crossing over" and I can"t think of a more perfect phrase. To me, this decision makes me feel like, right or wrong, that I am on a different side of the fence. It is not that any side is wrong or better, but there is an invisible line between the minivan family and the family sans minivan. The funny thing about the line is you don"t know it is there until you crossed it. Read the rest of this entry »
Picture this: a 3 year old daughter, sweaty from a hot and
humid day at the zoo, who desperately needs to pee. You run into the
men's bathroom at the zoo and are faced with 3 disgusting choices. That
person was me. That girl was mine. And the choices were a stall with a
broken toilet seat, a stall with a bloody diarrhea mess left behind,
and a stall with piss all over the seat. So what do you do noodads?
In my case, the choice was simple. I chose the stall with the broken
seat and I performed the potty maneuver of Cirque Du Soleil
proportions. I had my daughter stand on my thighs as I held her by her
underarms. I then squatted as she positioned her fanny over the sorry
excuse for a commode. The angle is tricky noodads, you need to make
sure she is level enough that she doesn't trickle back down on your
leg, low enough that she hits the pot, and quick enough so that you can
hold the position long enough. Read the rest of this entry »
In general, I consider myself a good dad. I feed my kids, wash them, try to keep them entertained, and my boys haven’t sustained any major injuries on my watch. At roughly 10:30AM yesterday morning, however, I easily would have taken the title of World’s Worst Dad hands down. My behavior went far beyond Bill Cosby feeding the chocolate cake to his kids for breakfast. The wire hanger scene from “Mommie Dearest” is a more apt comparison. If Dane Cook witnessed this event and spoke of it in his stand-up routine, I’d be the “bag of douche” he’d likely reference.
The scene: an end-of-year celebration for my 5-year-old’s preschool class. We drove down to the lake at the center of town. I loaded up the stroller with my sleeping 10-month-old, video camera, and diaper bag; and proceeded to push it across the common towards the gathering. It was a beautiful morning, sunlight dancing on the water, and kids’ laughter filling the air. There was to be a parade with kazoos, leis, and the kids would receive a graduation certificate in a simple ceremony to mark the move to kindergarten. Should be a wonderful time, right?
Twenty minutes later I’m fuming, hustling my crying son back to the minivan. I didn’t berate him in front of his classmates or the other parents, but I’m sure my body language spoke volumes. Except for the classic can’t-catch-your-breath sobbing from the booster seat behind me, the ride home was silent. Until I unleashed on my firstborn a host of things from the Things-You-Should-Never-Say-To-Your-Child handbook.
I’m sure you’re eager to know the crime that induced my tirade at this point. Did he pee in the punch bowl? Call another little kid an asshole? Kick a buddy in the nuts? None of the above.
I know you are not into it, but you should be. [apologies to our non-American readers. Welcome and we"re glad you"re here!] The rest of of the world is captivated by it. The drama is huge. The biggest names in the game are all there. No, I”m not talking about the World Series of Poker, I am talking about the World Cup. It is probably the easiest sport to understand conceptually and the least complicated to actually engage in. Millions of kids play it in the US alone, and in spite of the fact that you probably also played soccer as a kid noodad, you could not care less about the World Cup. And why should you?
Great (Starter?) Sport for Kids One good reason to get into the World Cup is that it is easy to get your kids into the game both physically and behind the idiot box (TV). Sports promote coordination, quick thinking and physical fitness. In this one, you will not have to explain a lot of complicated rule or strategies. Have you ever tried explaining balls and strikes to a 3 year old? “Daddy, what”s a pitch count?” You just tell your kids: There are 2 goals. Each team tries to kick the ball into the goal while the other team tries to prevent this from happening. Only 2 guys on the field can use their hands with one exception. They are called goalies. You will know the goalies because their shirts look different from the other shirts. Back to the exception; if the ball goes over one of those sidelines, someone can use their hands to throw the ball back into play. My 17 month old loves sitting on my lap watching the World Cup. He just points and says “sooocccceeeer”. He also can identify a hockey game. I”m working on baseball. My 3 year old also likes to watch the games. During half time, we go out in the yard and kick the ball around. She is pretty good at dribbling the ball, but does not understand passing yet. She just dribbles to me. She thinks she is really good and is interested in playing. Perfect. I have just taught my kids the joy of sports before they turned 4.
Vacations are a great way to provide your kids with new experiences, a chance to see parts of the world that they would otherwise not experience, and to spend time with family. That"s a lot for a kid to handle and most time it is enough to sweep the leg right out from under them. If you are on vacation, and your kids are young, it is really important to try to work in a few naps in the process before vacation goes all Cobra Kai on them. "Put"em in a body bag Johnny. Yeah!"
I spent last week trekking through the Disney Experience in Orlando, Florida. When you shell out $60 a kid per day, believe you me, you do your best to get your money"s worth. This meant, for us, to get there when the park opened and to stay as long as possible. And add long lines before exhilarating rides and you get a series of extreme highs and extreme exhaustion. Read the rest of this entry »
With Father"s day coming up, I thought I would take a look at some gifts to avoid for dads. Some of them may surprise you a little because they may seem obvious. The bottom line is that your noodad is probably too modest to tell you what he is really thinking, so let me give you a little insight.
Every noodad would love to get handmade cards and crafts from the kids to take to the office. They would also like to see a little bit of thought put into their father"s day gift. Most noodads would probably prefer nothing at all to one of the gifts below.
One thing you’ll quickly learn as a noodad is how much gear is available to make parenting easier. You’ll probably have more baby gadgets in your home than Bob Vila has tools on his pegboard by the time you’re through, and the importance of each piece of gear is, of course, determined by how much easier it makes your life. Here’s my Top 5 list of baby gear essentials (in no particular order) that I can’t imagine doing without:
Sorry to say it noodads, but sometimes, you just aren"t as good as mommy. In some situations, mommy is the only thing that will do. You might be inclined to think your wife has an edge over you because they have boobs. Or it might be the fact that mom"s tend to have a more nurturing effect. It usually is neither. Don"t fret! Normally, favoritism towards mommy is just an arbitrary decision to diss you because your number came up that day. You can"t fight it or try to teach against it. You must simply wait it out until your wife is on the chopping block, not you.
To the smoker:
This past weekend, my wife made an unexpected visit to the
Noodads, I did something I swore to myself I never would. This weekend I went into the largest selling Honda dealership in the world in my trusty Honda Civic and walked out with a brand new 2006 Honda Odyssey. This was more than just an exchange of car keys, this was a step into a world of soccer practices and sleep-overs. 
Picture this: a 3 year old daughter, sweaty from a hot and
In general, I consider myself a good dad. I feed my kids, wash them, try to keep them entertained, and my boys haven’t sustained any major injuries on my watch. At roughly 10:30AM yesterday morning, however, I easily would have taken the title of World’s Worst Dad hands down. My behavior went far beyond Bill Cosby feeding the chocolate cake to his kids for breakfast. The wire hanger scene from “Mommie Dearest” is a more apt comparison. If Dane Cook witnessed this event and spoke of it in his stand-up routine, I’d be the “bag of douche” he’d likely reference. 
I know you are not into it, but you should be. [apologies to our non-American readers. Welcome and we"re glad you"re here!] The rest of of the world is captivated by it. The drama is huge. The biggest names in the game are all there. No, I”m not talking about the World Series of Poker, I am talking about the World Cup. It is probably the easiest sport to understand conceptually and the least complicated to actually engage in. Millions of kids play it in the US alone, and in spite of the fact that you probably also played soccer as a kid noodad, you could not care less about the World Cup. And why should you?
Vacations are a great way to provide your kids with new experiences, a chance to see parts of the world that they would otherwise not experience, and to spend time with family. That"s a lot for a kid to handle and most time it is enough to sweep the leg right out from under them. If you are on vacation, and your kids are young, it is really important to try to work in a few naps in the process before vacation goes all Cobra Kai on them. "Put"em in a body bag Johnny. Yeah!"
One thing you’ll quickly learn as a noodad is how much gear is available to make parenting easier. You’ll probably have more baby gadgets in your home than Bob Vila has tools on his pegboard by the time you’re through, and the importance of each piece of gear is, of course, determined by how much easier it makes your life. Here’s my Top 5 list of baby gear essentials (in no particular order) that I can’t imagine doing without:
