Everything Your Kid Needs to Know They Can Learn From Luke Skywalker

You may listen to gangsta rap or may even wear a wallet chain. But let's face it, your pansy suburban ass knows nothing about having street cred. So when your kid gets to the age when they need to know how to represent, what are you going to do? Dig deep into your own experiences and tell them about the time you stole bowling shoes? Yeah, that'll teach'um. No, you need to rely on something you know best to deliver strong messages about behavior and respect. You need to use the Force.

Luckily for you I have compiled a short list of how Luke Skywalker can teach your kids how to be well-behaved, be sort of a badass, and have respect for their family.

The Mos Eisley Cantina Lesson
Luke Example: In the cantina at Mos Eisley (a wretched hive of filth and villainy), Luke was minding his own business and a sloth-like creature tells Luke that his friend doesn't like him. Then, he has the audacity to tell Luke that he doesn't like him either. Luke wasn't looking for trouble but trouble found him. Good thing old Ben was da man and he carried a big stick.
Moral of the Story: Always travel with a friend.

The Yoda's Bungalow Lesson
Luke Example: When Luke first meets Yoda, he is served some nasty Dagobahemian porridge and despite the taste, he at least eats the first bite and pretends to eat more.
Moral of the Story: When you are at a guest's house, be polite and eat what you are given.

The Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru Lesson
Luke Example: Luke gets in a fight with his legal guardians. He wants to go and become a pilot but Uncle Owen needs him for one more harvest. Luke thinks this sucks and he let's them know it. After all, all his friends have gone!  He leaves and the next time he sees them they are briquettes in the pushup position.
Moral of the Story: Never go to bed angry at your parents.

The Jabba Lesson
Luke Example: Luke journeys to Jabba's palace as a Jedi and tries to negotiate for Han Solo's release. Jabba doesn't want to give up his work of art, tries to kill Luke with his big monster, then tries to execute him at the Saarlac Pit. Luke tries twice to resolve things with words. Jabba gets choked by the super hot bikini-clad Leia and dies.
Moral of the Story: Try to resolve things with words first. But if that doesn't work, and you have to resort to violence, make sure your crew is with you.

The Dack Ralter Lesson
Luke Example: The AT-ATs are coming and Luke chats it up with Dack, his gunner, before they get in their snowspeeder. Luke asks Dack how he feels. Dack responds with, "Right now I feel I can take on the Empire all by myself!" Shortly thereafter, he gets an AT-AT flak explosion to the face.
Moral of the Story: Don't ever bite off more than you can chew.

The Leia's Kiss Lesson
Luke Example: Luke is out of his incubator and is alive after a frigid ordeal in the cave, and a smelly night inside a TonTon (I thought they smelled bad on the outside). Leia in an attempt to make the Nerfherder Han, jealous, tongues her brother, Luke.
Moral of the Story: Check out your family tree before you get hot and bothered kissing a relative.

The Death Star Lesson
Luke Example: When the rebel pilot's were being briefed on how to take down the Death Star, Luke was talking smack. But was he Red Squadron leader? No. He was only Red Five. Then when they were attacking the Death Star, he compared the trench to Beggar's Canyon back home. No one really cared what it was like, they only cared that they needed to destroy the big battle station. Eventually Han had to come back and bail his Jedi butt out by picking off some tie fighters and by sending Darth into a tailspin.
Moral of the Story: Know your place and don't bring up stuff no one cares about. After you succeed then you can start smack talking.

The Funny Smell Lesson
Luke Example: After dragging the "more-machine-than-man" carcass into the imperial shuttle, Luke takes the Darth armor and burns the body on Endor. He then sees a bunch of Jedi ghosts of Star Wars past.
Moral of the Story: Don't burn plastic. It can get you high. Follow Wicket's example and  "Bring in da noise, bring in da funk" by using the helmets like drums.

So the next time your kid screws up and you need a story to teach them a lesson, dig deep into your Jedi knowledge and use the power of young Skywalker. Good luck noodads.