Is Pregnancy Boob Soreness For Real?

This is the first installment of our new weekly feature: Ask the Chick. The chick is Latia Harris (pictured above), a noodad reader and mom with a lot of answers for you. Each week, Latia will answer the questions you don’t have the balls to ask your own wives.

Q: My wife complains about her ever growing pregnancy breasts being too sore to touch. But there is no way something that looks that good can’t be enjoyed. Is she just exagerrating because she doesn’t want to fool around or do they really hurt as badly as she says?
— Boob Deprived, Holliston, MA

A: Boob Deprived, Your wife is not exaggerating. Your wife is in lots and lots of pain that is probably going to get worse with the birth of your baby due to engorgement, chapped nipples, cracked nipples, clogged ducts, etc…

What’s going on here is that your wife’s breasts are very rapidly filling with milk and the milk has no where to go. So now the milk is stretching your wife’s skin to the limit and all of the nerves are very sensitive so basically, every thing just hurts really, really bad.

The good news? It’ll get better. You’ll be able to play at FunBag Mountain again someday. The bad news? If you’re not nice to The Twins, and/or your wife decides to breastfeed, you can be cut off for up to two years.

However, never fret, if your wife deems you worthy and deserving of the privilege that comes with test driving her new airbags, you may be able to secure yourself a timeshare.

Until then, say goodbye (gently and from a distance) to your wife’s breasts because as of now, they have better things to do…like prepare nourishment for a kid. Your wife is going through so many changes right now; she may feel as if her body is a machine-popping out babies and being a milk factory and whatnot. Try to be a bit more sympathetic and lend an ear. And if you value your hands at all, you’ll listen to your wife’s requests to leave her very sensitive breasts alone.

Oh, and sympathies and condolences from my boyfriend with the prosthetic hands.

Good luck to you, The Chick

Have a question for The Chick? Send to contact {at} noodad.com with Ask The Chick in the subject line.