Dear Chick,

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and we have gotten in the habit of just telling each other what we want for our birthdays. Anyways, this year she told me she wants this $800 Coach bag and this $100 bottle of Chanel No. 5 perfume. My question for you, is is this stuff really worth the price because I may have to refinance my house!

Dear Dude,

Yes, this stuff is really worth the price. We are women-shiny labels and expensive perfumes make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I assume she’s asking for such expensive gifts because she knows that the two of you are in a financial position to afford such extravagant gifts…so why not let the lady have her birthday wish and get them for her.

If you aren’t in a position to give her both of the gifts, give her one or the other.

If you aren’t in a position to give her either of the gifts, have a powwow and explain to her the situation. She could be under the impression that the two of you are in a better financial position than you really are.

And check these sites to see if you can get the same Coach bag and/or Chanel No. 5 perfume at a discounted price:

www.bluefly.com

www.eluxury.com

Good Luck, The Chick

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Q: Dear Chick, I feel pretty stupid about women’s bras. I want to buy them for my wife for Valentine’s Day but I have no idea which to buy.Like what is a demi cup? Or wireless or non-wireless? I know what Ilike to look at but I don’t know what to look for. Help!

Dear Dude,

You shouldn’t feel stupid about women’s bras. After all, bras are for supporting a woman’s rack…and unless you have a rack of your own, you shouldn’t really know anything about bras. And that is where I come in. To make this easier, I am going to cover a couple of the sexier types of bras.

As for a demi cup, it is a bra whose cup covers the nipple and at least ¾ of the breast. This is the type of bra your wife may wear on a daily basis. It’s comfy and sexy at the same time. Depending on the design, it can get even hotter. Also, your wife can wear it beneath clothes without feeling like she’s falling out of her bra or being unsupported.

The balconette, also known as a “shelf bra”, offers little to no coverage of the breast. They can range from barely covering the nipple all the way to just a covered underwire supporting the breast. These offer the most dramatic uplift and cleavage. The underwire for both of these types of bras is an absolute MUST.

It’ll keep things looking young and perky…and everyone can use a little bit more of “young and perky” in their life. Besides, you wouldn’t want those things flopping all over the place. Someone could lose an eye. You should keep your wife’s bra size in mind while doing some shopping. Just quietly check the tags of her bras in her underwear drawer.

You might find there are different sizes-use the sizes that you see the most of and buy a bra in that size. Just to make things extra complicated, bras vary in size from maker to maker, so don’t fret if the bra doesn’t fit your wife all that well…after all, it won’t be on for very long anyway, right?Here are some sites to help you out. Prices range from “rather reasonable” to “I could buy the Starship Enterprise” for that amount.

http://www.agentprovocateur.com (offering wonderfully HOT stuff)
http://www.spoylt.com (as seen on Desperate Housewives)
http://www.victoriassecret.com (the classic go to place for all types of undies)

Now, go out my son, and return a man.

Good Luck,The Chick
(Thanks to barenecessities.com for the info!)

Q: Chick, Is it true that women only wear thongs because they know men like them? My best friend (a woman) says that they are maduncomfortable and that’s the only reason why women wear them.

Dear ThongMan,

Your friend is wrong. Thongs are not only mad uncomfortable, they are MAD and near PAINFUL uncomfortable. I don’t refer to them as thongs. I call them “The everlasting wedgie machine”. Because that is what they are, an everlasting piece of fabric shoved between a tiny ass crevice. The only difference between that and a wedgie given by Bruno the Bully is that some women intentionally, and enjoy, the fabric shoved up their asses.

So to answer your question, yes and no. Some women wear thongs to avoid panty lines. Some wear them to impress men. Some (like me) only wear them because there is nothing else clean in the underwear drawer.

My feeling has always been that if I am going to be with someone that I have mutual romantic feelings for and he decides he doesn’t like me because I prefer not to shove fabric between my 1cm ass crevice, then he can kiss me and my ass crevice goodbye.

Hope that answered your question,

The Chick

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Dear Chick,
What do women prefer in terms of underwear? Boxers? Boxer Briefs? Thongs? Tightie Whities? My wife says she doesn’t really care but there is no way she doesn’t have a preference. What do you prefer and why? — Underwear Trouble

Dear Dude,

Considering the fact that you’re over the age of seven, I don’t think anyone finds tighty whites all that sexy…Honestly, it’s your package, so pack it as you choose.

I know what I prefer (boxer briefs) but I wanted to know what the people wanted, so I did a poll of about twenty women that I work with. Half say that they prefer boxer briefs to anything else because they look the best. Five of the women said they liked boxers. Only one lady said that her husband wore tighty whities but didn’t comment on whether she liked them or not, and the other two women didn’t have an opinion because they’re lesbians.

If that still doesn’t answer your question, why don’t you try wearing a different style of undies a night and see which gets the best reaction. If laughter is the best reaction, we can only assume that it’s the tighty whities.

Good Luck!
The Chick

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Q: My wife complains about her ever growing pregnancy breasts being too sore to touch. But there is no way something that looks that good can’t be enjoyed. Is she just exagerrating because she doesn’t want to fool around or do they really hurt as badly as she says?
— Boob Deprived, Holliston, MA

A: Boob Deprived, Your wife is not exaggerating. Your wife is in lots and lots of pain that is probably going to get worse with the birth of your baby due to engorgement, chapped nipples, cracked nipples, clogged ducts, etc…

What’s going on here is that your wife’s breasts are very rapidly filling with milk and the milk has no where to go. So now the milk is stretching your wife’s skin to the limit and all of the nerves are very sensitive so basically, every thing just hurts really, really bad.

The good news? It’ll get better. You’ll be able to play at FunBag Mountain again someday. The bad news? If you’re not nice to The Twins, and/or your wife decides to breastfeed, you can be cut off for up to two years.

However, never fret, if your wife deems you worthy and deserving of the privilege that comes with test driving her new airbags, you may be able to secure yourself a timeshare.

Until then, say goodbye (gently and from a distance) to your wife’s breasts because as of now, they have better things to do…like prepare nourishment for a kid. Your wife is going through so many changes right now; she may feel as if her body is a machine-popping out babies and being a milk factory and whatnot. Try to be a bit more sympathetic and lend an ear. And if you value your hands at all, you’ll listen to your wife’s requests to leave her very sensitive breasts alone.

Oh, and sympathies and condolences from my boyfriend with the prosthetic hands.

Good luck to you, The Chick

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Dear Chick,
This is one of the greatest days of my life. My wife suggested we watch a porno together. The problem is I don’t know how to suggest something without tipping off that I am an expert on the subject. Do I play dumb? Do I use my expertise for good? Help! –Addicted to porn

Dear Mr. Addicted to Porn,

So you want to suggest some porn to the ol’ lady without seeming like an expert?
Step 1: Take a trip to an adult video store that neither of you have never been to before. The last thing you’d want now is the clerk at your regular store calling you out in front of the lady.
Step 2: Have her pick the videos. Ask her questions. Lots of questions. Questions give you insight as to whether she favors a particular type of porn. Questions tell you what to steer clear of (you like midget porn; her, not so much). Questions also make it look as if you have NO CLUE about porn.

Now, on another note, take baby steps with this one. I know you’re really excited, but too much pressure may turn your wife off from wanting to try this at all. Also, take into consideration the fact that your wife probably has never seen a real porn before. The porn that she may be familiar with may be what she’s seen on Showtime late at night. If that’s the case, start with that, ask questions, and if she is willing, take her to the Adult Video shop and go to town.

Don’t forget: COMMUNICATION IS KEY. I cannot stress this enough. Unwanted pressure can put a damper on this experience and your entire sexual life.

Good Luck-I’m sure you two will have a great time.

The Chick

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Dear Chick,
What do women mean when they say not to get them anything for the birthday and then when you don’t they don’t talk to you all night? She says I could have at least bought her a card. I say shelling out 3 bucks for a piece of paper is considered a gift. Help!

Dear Dude,

This is a very common predicament amongst the male and female species. My boyfriend and I go through this situation on every birthday/Hallmark Holiday and it just about always, ALWAYS ends up with him on the couch. I guess he’ll never learn. But this is your chance to learn!

What we mean when we say “nothing” is that we want something.

We don’t get specific about the gifts we wish to receive because we are either afraid of disappointment or we have no clue exactly what we want. So we like to leave it up to you to guess. I know, it’s unfair…but that’s life. Your best bet in this situation is to get something sparkly, preferably diamonds (after all, they’re a girl’s best friend).

And a tip to you, if it’s got “Hallmark” on it, it’s not a gift. If it folds, it is not a gift. If it has a cord, it is not a gift.

Good Luck,

The Chick

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Dear Chick,
My wife only wants to have sex in the bedroom, but I want to be more adventurous. How do I open her up to new things?
-Bored in Portland

Dear Dude,

Picture this: You are watching Skin-a-Max on Cinemax. A woman and her lover are about to get it on and in the process of doing so, he tosses her onto the bear rug and all of a sudden you hear the Barney theme song.

Hot, right? I’d like to think not.

You can start by trying to initiate the lovin’ when the kiddies aren’t around. It’s hard to get it on when you’re in the bedroom and the kiddies are home, it’s even harder getting on outside of the bedroom when the kiddies are home.

You should also clear the house of all things “child”. Stuff all of the toys into storage bins camouflaged as ottomans, hide some toys in the closet, and turn off all automatic toys such as cars, stuffed Barneys, and Baby Einstein Stars.

After that, she may find is easier to relax and be more adventurous when she doesn’t have to pull toy cars and what not from her butt.

Good Luck,

The Chick

Have a question for The Chick? Email her at contact {at} noodad {dot} com with “Ask the Chick” in the subject line.

Chick, I have read that some women get turned on when they breastfeed. Is this true?

Dear Dude,

Breastfeeding doesn’t turn women on per se, but it does arouse our bodies. While breastfeeding, we release two hormones: prolactin and oxytocin. The prolactin makes us relax and the oxytocin (which is responsible for uterine contractions during childbirth and pleasure contractions during orgasm) causes our uterus to contract post childbirth to shrink the uterus back to pre-baby size. For some women, more oxytocin releases and causes for us to have pleasure contractions and become aroused, and for some women, lead to orgasm.

So we don’t consciously think, “Oh YEAH! I haven’t slept for more than two hours at a time, my nipples are sore and chapped, and my other boob is dripping! I am SOOO in the mood right now!” We are just having an unconscious reaction to the stimulation of our nipples through the releasing of hormones induced by breastfeeding.And no, you cannot squeeze in to see if you can get some action.

Good Luck,

The Chick

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Chick, What do you think is a good gift to buy my wife to mark the birth of our baby?

Dear Dude,

Jewelry is a great way to mark the birth of your baby. Something extra special, like a personalized bracelet, necklace, or earrings (that comes in a little blue box, wink wink…) would be a great way to commemorate the birth of your baby and let your wife know how much you appreciate her effort and hard work to bring your child into the world.

To score extra brownie points, toss in some maid services, get some gourmet dinners delivered, and look into getting a massage therapist to hook your wife up while she’s at the hospital. Some hospitals even have a massage therapist that goes around the maternity ward.

No matter what you do, just make sure it’s thoughtful and full of love (which I’m sure it will be).

Hope that helps!

Good Luck to you and Congrats on the birth of you new baby,

The Chick

Have a question for The Chick? Email her at contact {at} noodad {dot} com with “Ask the Chick” in the subject line.

Question 6: Chick, How do you
feel about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue ? I get Sports
Illustrated and my wife says I shouldn’t leave it outfor the kid to
see. Mind you, my kid is 10 months old and he can’t evenpick himself up to see the coffee table! I say that it promotes athleticism and beauty. My wife says it objectifies women and has no place in a sports magazine. What are your thoughts?

Dear Dude,

I don’t think that the SI Swimsuit Issue objectifies women. I do think that saying that it promotes “athleticism and beauty” is a bit of a stretch. Everyone knows, including me-an SI and ESPN magazine reader-that fellas just want to look at hot chicks in bikinis. And that is totally fine. I am also a Cosmopolitan Magazine reader and every month they feature a “Hot Dude” and I totally read Cosmo to gawk at the “Hot Dude.”

I don’t know if oogling over supermodels qualifies as objectifying women. But if it does, it makes your wife uncomfortable and you should be nice and move the SI to the bathroom or office. That’s where you’ll be doing the majority of your reading anyway, right?

Good Luck,

The Chick

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