It Takes a Village (And Some of the Villagers Will Screw You)
Posted on 01 03, 2008 under Brokedad by cgillis | 1 Comment
Our friend arrived at home tonight to find his wife’s car door open. It was no accident. A quick inspection revealed a missing item: their child’s car seat. Some SOB broke into their car and stole their friggen car seat. I cannot imagine that the black market resale value of a used car seat was worth the time and effort invested to steal the damn thing. It’s not like I ever saw car seats hung up in rows next to the guitars at the local pawn shop. I have to assume that the lousy bastard who fled in the night with a booster seat tucked under his arm actually needed the thing for his own child. I have been an advocate for poor families for years and at the risk of sounding heartless, I have some advice that is too late for this particular thief. My advice? If you can’t afford a car seat or if you lack the mental resources to obtain a free or loaner seat, you might want to think twice about having any more kids. If your plan to support your children involves anything that might land your butt in jail, you had better start working on Plan B and pronto.
The children in our household learned to surf the web before the age of five so I was not terribly surprised to find that they developed a level of sophistication that surpassed my own at the same age. This is progress. They seem a lot smarter than I was. Their little tastes and preferences seem much more refined. Maybe too refined. Take animation for example. 
Recently my son splashed a telemarketer with a glass of water. A few days ago he dropped a flower pot on someone’s head. He throws muffins at others with pinpoint accuracy. I can see where this is heading. In a few weeks he will be splitting the eardrums of his victims with the foghorn he just acquired. Don’t fret; I am not raising an antisocial maniac who is running amuck. My kid, like thousands of others, has found his way to Toontown. Disney’s Toontown is an interactive online community where kids become cartoon characters and battle evil robot Cogs in an expansive, virtual world. With hundreds of games, challenges and campaigns the game never actually ends, ever. And we like it. It is kid-safe and fun for the whole family. For less than seven bucks a month it is one of the best bargains we have found. It beats any kid’s software we have played so far. I hate to actually say it but the game really is Toontastic. Oh man, I think I just threw up a little.
If you grew up reading Dr. Seuss you cannot forget his writing even if you want to. Try to block out Seuss and you’ll soon realize that it is impossible. The harder I try, the more stupid rhymes my mind creates. Try it, and you may I say, try it but it won’t go away. Seuss poems are etched into my cortex. His work is so thoroughly embedded into my gray matter that I can recite many of the books from memory. This talent is not appreciated by my son. He insists that I hold the book. Seuss books are part of his bedtime ritual. It’s also one of the reasons he has becoming such a centered and cool little kid. Screw modern philosophers. Seuss will point your kids in the right direction.
My grandfather tried to teach us the importance of saving money by giving us "Dime Kitties". Those of you unfamiliar with this feline-inspired investment vehicle will be amazed at its simplicity. The cat shaped cardboard folder has empty slots inside if it. Each slot is conveniently sized to hold a dime.
In spite of growing protests from both grandmothers I had no intention of drastically reducing my son’s intake of television. He is a fan the Nickelodeon Network. He has his favorite shows – SpongeBob, Fairly Odd Parents, CatScratch, and even Danny Phantom. And I am there with him. I enjoy watching the shows by his side, often laughing at what he finds funny, as opposed the show itself. Except of course for Fairly Odd Parents and CatScratch where I often find myself laughing alone. My own mother’s protests in particular fell on deaf ears. I recall that when I was a kid I viewed grade school merely as the interruption between the two hours or cartoons I watched in the morning and the four hours of sitcoms I watched in the evening. But recently I wondered it myself; was it possible that my boy is exposed to too much TV? Yes Jack Black, he is. 
My wife is luckier than my mother. The proof? My wife was just a few feet away when our son dropped the glass penny jar. When he fell on the glass the resulting cuts required only three stitches. My mother, on the other end of the luck extreme, had just stepped into the shower about the time that a neighbor kid pushed me into a metal box fan at the end of a hallway in her house. The fan was missing its grill and my little hand hit the spinning blades like carrot sticks in a Cuisinart. I ran home with an index finger split like a peeled banana. My mom’s relaxing bathing ritual was interrupted in a moment reminiscent of the shower scene in Psycho. 
Recently the Walt Disney Company launched an advertising campaign to promote the fact that a family of four can take a week long vacation to Disney World for under $1,500.00. While this price doesn’t include airfare it is still cheaper than many people would imagine. Even so, the trip to Disney is a luxury that not everyone can afford. If a vacation to the Magic Kingdom is not in your budget don’t fret. There is a cheaper way to get there if you are lucky – believe in the magic and you can win a major subsidy for next vacation to Disney thanks to the folks at Radio Disney. 
Being a father of healthy ego I assumed my son’s first word would be Dada. It was not. It was Dodo. Dodo is a small stuffed dog who has been with my wife since her college days. This token of the past was quickly expropriated by my boy in his unending quest to obtain more stuffed animals. Dodo soon became my son’s favorite toy and served as a vigilant and ever-present sidekick. His role is unquestionable and well documented. This particular stuffed dog can be seen in more than his fair share of family photos. Recently the unthinkable occurred: Dodo was lost. 
I have very few memories of frolicking in the great outdoors as a young child. Having been raised in the suburbs I developed a fond appreciation for concrete and shopping malls early in life. When I was old enough to do so, I joined the National Guard which provided me ample opportunities to experience nature, usually by sleeping outdoors in the rain, on rocks, swarmed in mosquitoes. Once I left the Guard I vowed never to sleep outdoors again. Camping and gazing at the stars were permanently removed from my agenda. When I saw the National Geographic Star Planetarium at my local retailer I dropped twenty bucks with the hope that this device could supplement my limited background in astronomy and teach my child something I could not. 
