Doing The Right Thing

As Crosby Stills & Nash implored, teach your children
well. Some of the most important lessons you can teach your kid revolve
around how to act in public. Fortunately, with the increasing lack of
basic civility among us, every trip to Home Depot, the grocery store,
or anywhere else Joe Public converges provides you with a perfect
classroom for these lessons.

On a recent trip to the grocery
store around Mother’s Day, my boys and I encountered a charming woman
near the expanded flower shop area. While passing by an aisle narrowed
by an additional row of display tables filled with last-minute-gifts,
the basket the woman carried hit a small potted plant and it smashed to
the ground. She had two kids with her, probably somewhere between 11
and 14 years old. “JEE-ZUZ CHRIST!” she yelped. “You break it, you buy
it!” laughed one of the kids.
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Readying the Nest

You’ll notice many quirky behaviors by your spouse during her pregnancy, many of them hormonally driven. Whether you like it or not, you’ll be affected by these behaviors, too.  Around the fifth month (on average, but can occur later in some women) you’ll take part in a phenomenon known as “nesting”.

Nesting refers to a mother’s innate response to prepare your offspring’s habitat prior to birth and it is something humans share with other members of the animal kingdom. Turn on Animal Planet or The Discovery Channel and you’ll see some examples. 
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More Mother’s Day Gift Tips

The clock’s ticking, so let’s get right to it. Regardless of how cool an item you purchase for your wife, if signing the credit card slip at the mall or clicking the mouse on your computer represents your complete involvement in the Mother’s Day gift, you haven’t done enough. Oh, it might work the first year or two, but quickly you’ll learn that, at least for Mother’s Day: More Thought + More Effort = Better Gift.

It’s all about the kids. Make sure you add a kid angle to whatever you give your wife. Let’s take some of the items from Reviewdad’s gift list to see how this works. For the lunch tote, have your kids write a bunch of different messages on colored papers. Put them aside and slip one into the tote every once in a while when mom’s not looking. Think about how finding a simple note with the word “smile” written in your kid’s scrawl could turn her day around. For the yoga mat, if your kids are old enough, check out a book or video from the library and teach the kids some yoga poses so they can lead mom in an impromptu Mother’s Day yoga class.
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How do you discipline other people’s kids?

Some friends of mine—we’ll call them Mike and Carol—hosted a couple of their son’s friends for a birthday sleepover a couple of weeks ago.  The night included a trip to the movies and other fun and shenanigans.  Before they left for the theater one of the boys—we’ll call him Oliver—kept acting up and saying some mean things to one of the other kids; so Carol pulled the kid aside and gave him a “we don’t act that way in this house and I’d like you to stop saying those things” speech.  Oliver muttered something and went into the room to join the other kids.  Right away, Carol heard him tell her son, “Your mom is so mean!”  Again she pulls Oliver aside, firmly tells him to stop, and sends him back to the others.  Needless to say, Oliver made some other remark once again.  This time, Mike heard him.

So Mike yells for the kid to come into the kitchen.  Carol stood with her arms folded and wishing she could chew out Oliver.  Mike then says one of the best lines I’ve heard in a long time:  “Oliver, there are two cars leaving here in fifteen minutes!  One’s going to the movies; the other is going to your house!  Which one are you gonna be in?!  Huh?  What’s it gonna be?!”   Oliver got the message, but will unlikely be welcome back to the house again. Read the rest of this entry »

A Dog / Kids Dilemma: What about Boone?

So I visited my friends Wally and Jen the other day to see their beautiful new baby girl, and they asked me my thoughts on a disagreement/issue they were having concerning the family pet.  I thought I’d put the scenario out there to help them get some unbiased opinions from noodad readers.  Here’s the dilemma:

A few years ago, before they had children, my friends picked out a spirited black lab/chow mix pooch from the local kennel.  They named him Boone.  Boone hasn’t been the easiest dog.  He’s a prolific barker, jumps on guests, and he gets carsick.  My friends hired a professional dog trainer and Boone’s behavior is improving, especially when there are no visitors in the house.  Although Boone is challenging and willful (as my friend from Ireland would say), he’s never hurt anyone.  He’s just kind of an excitable dog and they love him. Read the rest of this entry »

What’s in the Diaper: The Inside Poop on Poop

THIS POST WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED APRIL 2006

Among the litany of items on your hospital’s Jiffy Lube Signature Service-esque checklist of newborn must-do’s is the critical first deuce. The inaugural bowel movement kicks off a new world for you—one where you’ll be privy to more ass-muck than a Port-A-Potty at a chili cook-off. Along this soiled road you’ll experience an array of textures, a host of nauseating scents, and more shades of brown than Benjamin Moore’s color wheel; especially in the first year. Here’s a primer on your child’s excrement evolutionary chart. Read the rest of this entry »

The Revenge of the Foreskin

In a past Master Debaters article we asked noodad.com readers to give their opinions on circumcisions for their sons.  Whether you’re a lawsuit-filing Intactivist bent on trimming circumcision from the litany of routine procedures for newborns, or you celebrate the cut like new mom and pop diva Christina Aguilera, the decision to circumcise (or not) is highly contentious.  Don’t stress about the issue too much, though, because your decision to circumcise your son isn’t necessarily the last word on his foreskin.
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I Wonder What the Teacher Thought

When you’re a dad, every once in a while your kids will serve up surprises. Some of these are not of the pleasant variety, like hearing one of them say, “Feed the fish more!” as he dumps the whole jar of fish food in the 10-gallon tank, forcing you to become an emergency vet in an effort to save $8 worth of neon tetras. Or maybe going up to the crib only to find your kid has smeared his own feces all over his body so he looks like an extra from Apocalypto. You’ll see far more of these types of surprises when raising your kids than the good ones. I must have been due for a good surprise, though, because I got one the other day that became an instant classics in my family’s lore. I thought I’d share it with all you noodads. Just put your mind in the gutter and check out my first-grader’s math homework… Read the rest of this entry »

“My First Spider-Man” Will Mess You Up

Meet “My First Spider-Man”, Playskool’s gateway super hero action figure for the toddler set.  Press the black spider in the center of his torso, and Spider-Man’s eyes light up as he enthusiastically shouts different messages such as: “Ready to be a super hero!”,  “Target practice time!”, and, of course, “I’m your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!”  He’s got an oversized head, hands, and feet for easy handling by your toddler.  Perhaps the coolest selling point is the web blaster feature.  Two white plastic webs slide into holes in Spidey’s wrists, and there’s a button on his back that launches them when pressed.  The danger in this toy isn’t from the force at which the webs launch (they pack about as much a punch as Ron Jeremy after take six), but rather from where the webs are left around the house once your kid has completed a round of crime-fighting with Spider-Man. Read the rest of this entry »

Man Boobs are No Laughing Matter

In recent years we’ve been beaten over the head about how
fat we are as nation.  It seems like you
can’t watch a newscast without some story (complete with from-the-neck-down
shots of anonymous fatties walking down the street with a 32-ounce soda in hand)
airing about how yet another food contributes to packing on the pounds.  Of course, nobody wants to hear it.  “I’m a grown man!” you shout at the news
anchor, wildly waving a sub sandwich as you recline in your La-Z-Boy.  “You’ll have to pry this cheesesteak out of
my cold, dead hands!”  Some guys even
treat their beer bellies like some gelatinous badge of honor by wearing
t-shirts that say “Body by Bud” in stretched funhouse mirror letters across
their expansive midsections.  It seems
like nothing can get us to pay attention to our expanding waistlines, but a
recent article in the New England Journal of Medicine might just do the
trick:  How’d you like a nice set of jugs
to go with your gut?

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