On a recent trip to the grocery
store around Mother’s Day, my boys and I encountered a charming woman
near the expanded flower shop area. While passing by an aisle narrowed
by an additional row of display tables filled with last-minute-gifts,
the basket the woman carried hit a small potted plant and it smashed to
the ground. She had two kids with her, probably somewhere between 11
and 14 years old. “JEE-ZUZ CHRIST!” she yelped. “You break it, you buy
it!” laughed one of the kids.

Any guesses as to what she did next? Tell an employee so no one
would slip on the spill? Grab a manager and apologize for the accident?
“X” (accompanied by Family Feud Survey Says buzzer sound). She just
muttered, “Yeah, right!” and kept on going. Nice example, lady.

I asked my 5-year-old what he thought she should have done. “Clean it up,” he said. Bravo, First Born. Bravo.

As a work-at-home dad I’m constantly running errands with the kids and
I see stuff like this all the time. A couple of days after Plant
Smashing Lady, we saw another fantastic display in a Toys R Us parking
lot. A perfectly able-bodied woman rolled her shopping cart up to her
SUV, put her kid in the seat, and loaded her cargo. So? Well, she was
in a handicapped spot, and she left her shopping cart in the
handicapped spot next to her. To complete the trifecta, this miscreant
got in, closed the door, opened a bottle of water, and then took the
time to open the car door and toss the cap under her car before driving
off. Thanks for the lessons Littering, Handicapped-Spot-Parking,
No-Cart-Returning Lady!

Here’s a list of some common social
rules you can abide by to show your kids that, even as a grownup, you
follow the rules, too:

1. School Parking and
Pick-up Drop-Off Procedures: I am an absolute hard-line conformist,
tight-ass on this one. When your kid starts going to preschool or any
new school thereafter, you will likely be provided with instructions on
where you can and can’t park, and where to bring your kid. So many
parents ignore these rules. Besides giving off a plain old
I-don’t-give-a-shit-the-rules-don’t-apply-to-me vibe, you’re making it
hazardous for everyone else. Your kid just spent the day trying to
figure out why the entire class had to stand in a straight line before
proceeding down the hall to music class; and you pull up in the bus
lane and park next to a fire hydrant because “you’re just going to be a
second”. So is everyone else if you do what the school asks. Don’t make
your kid’s school’s pick-up/drop-off a clusterf***.

2. Pay for Everything: If you’re at the grocery store and want to give
your kid some hush food, make sure it is something that you’ll pay for
at checkout. Give your kid some crackers or something else sold in a
package instead of grapes or a banana. If you accidentally leave a
store without paying for something, even if it is a crappy little
plastic widget from Target’s One Spot, get your ass back in the store
and pay for it. It’s called “stealing” if you don’t.

3. Put the Cart Back: Stores provide parking spots for the carts when
you’re done with them. Use them. If you can’t walk an extra twenty feet
to put the cart back, then your kid should give you the finger the next
time you tell him to put his Game Boy back in his room. I actually saw
a woman look to her right at the cart parking area a mere two spaces
away; and then to her left where one space stood between her and a
little curbed grassy area. I watched her opt for the shorter walk and
then struggle to pop a wheelie so the front wheels would be on the
grass and the cart wouldn’t roll away instead of walking an extra eight
feet. Don’t let this be you.

4. Don’t
Drive Like a Dick: If you’re by yourself in the car and feel like
driving like Sly Stallone in Death Race 2000, knock yourself out. If
you’ve got kids in the car, drive like your hauling a tanker of
nitroglycerin: very carefully. Don’t get all bent if you get cut off.
If you’re out there swearing at people and flipping birds left and
right, don’t be surprised to see your kid do the same if someone steps
in front of him in the line for the slide at the playground.

5. Sit in the Seat For Which You Paid: Ortiz is staring down Randy
Johnson with a 3-1 count and Youkilis is on second in the bottom of the
first. He crushes the inside fastball into Section 34 in straight away
center field for a 2-0 lead over the Yankees. But you missed it all
because some anus and his kids with bleacher seat tickets were being
ousted from the grandstand by an usher in the row in front of you when
the real seat holders showed up for the game. If you want your kid to
experience the lower boxes at Fenway or if you want them to sit close
enough to be drenched with Wiggles’ sweat, shell out the money for
those seats. Don’t screw up The Incredibles on Ice, Dora’s Pirate
Adventure, or an NHL game for everyone else by trying to sneak into a
better seat.

These things may seem petty
and small, but kids have elephantine memories when it comes to
minutiae. They can’t remember to put a dish in the sink or flush a
toilet, but they’ll somehow remember that time you were served a large
iced coffee after ordering a medium, and not only didn’t mention it to
the chap in the Dunkin’ Donuts visor, but fist-pumped and yelled “So
long sucker!” as you pulled away from the drive thru window. So, when
you’re out with your kids in the Big, Big World (not the one with that
stoned sloth Snook on PBS, the real one), just remember Spike Lee’s
titular line and show your kids how to Do The Right Thing.

Nesting refers to a mother’s innate response to prepare your offspring’s habitat prior to birth and it is something humans share with other members of the animal kingdom. Turn on Animal Planet or The Discovery Channel and you’ll see some examples. 

Expectant female bass make a circular bed for their eggs by sweeping common lake debris like small stones, used condoms, and rusty Bud cans out of the way with their tails. Loggerhead turtles schlep cumbersome girth seventy feet up a beach in the middle of the night to dig a hole in the sand, deposit their eggs, and cover them up until they hatch.

What you won’t see on the nature shows is the female bass browbeating the male into assembling a crib four months early; or the male loggerhead trying to apply that cute teddy bear border—straight and with no air bubbles, God damn it!—under the watchful eye of Mrs. Turtle.  No, future dads, that’s all you.

Nesting usually starts innocently enough. ‘Hmmm,’ says your wife, with a hand on her chin, tapping her lip with her index finger, ‘The baby is coming pretty soon. We should really clean those dust bunnies from underneath the fridge. Today.’  Today’ will be a Sunday if the gestation period coincides with the NFL schedule. Instead of settling in from 11AM to 8 PM on the couch in sweats, you’ll be doing more useful, imperative things like sterilizing bottles and boiling silicone nipples.  

While your wife will initiate the nesting phase, don’t be surprised if you jump on the bandwagon. I decided that a month before my first son was due was precisely the right time to investigate one of the loose tiles on the shower wall in the only bathroom we had at the time. With a flathead screwdriver I carefully pried at the crumbly grout around a single tile. As one side came free, about a third of the remaining tiles crashed into the tub. The rock lathe wall was mushy and black with mold from all the water that had seeped behind the tiles. Behind that, soggy insulation slumped between 2 x 4s damp with mildew. A complete disaster. Luckily, my brother-in-law is a plumber and my brother had some construction experience; so we were able to piece a bathroom together by the time my wife and I returned from the hospital. Without them I would have been screwed.  

There are lessons to be learned from my nesting mishap. First, follow the lead of every other male in the animal world and let your wife drive the nesting process. Don’t mess with Mother Nature. Second, keep it simple. Her idea to wash all the baby clothes in Dreft and place them neatly folded into the dresser is way better than your brainstorm to try to refinish the hardwood floors. Finally, have fun with it. Nesting will provide you with some humorous tales with which to regale your friends and family. ‘Remember a few weeks before I had Joey? When we were baby-proofing the living room? You had one eye on the Red Sox game and accidentally stuck your finger in the outlet when you were putting in those plastic cap thingies! I hadn’t seen you jump like that since I told you I was late a few weeks after we hooked up in college for the first time!’  Ha, ha, ha!

Be prepared for nesting, but don’t be afraid.  Like the rest of the pregnancy, you will survive.  Best of luck noodads!

It’s all about the kids. Make sure you add a kid angle to whatever you give your wife. Let’s take some of the items from Reviewdad’s gift list to see how this works. For the lunch tote, have your kids write a bunch of different messages on colored papers. Put them aside and slip one into the tote every once in a while when mom’s not looking. Think about how finding a simple note with the word “smile” written in your kid’s scrawl could turn her day around. For the yoga mat, if your kids are old enough, check out a book or video from the library and teach the kids some yoga poses so they can lead mom in an impromptu Mother’s Day yoga class.

For the iKaraoke for iPod, before Mother’s Day, commandeer your wife’s iPod and download some songs the kids know, too. Special bonus: record your kids’ Mother’s Day messages and get them onto the iPod so mom can hear an “I love you” from them any time with a spin of the thumb wheel. It can be as simple as having the kids make a card whose messages plays off the gift. Pair the GT Jane Shoes with a card that reads “I’d walk a 1,000 miles for a mom like you.” You get the idea.

Don’t just buy. Do. There are plenty of relatively simple tasteful project ideas out there, and you’ll score extra points for making an effort. Anything similar to the Deluxe Baby Keepsake Kit will work nicely. Here are a couple of real world examples:

{mosnooad}Photo/Quote Combo. Last year I took my boys and my digital camera to this lake in my town. I snapped some photos, downloaded them, converted them from color to black and white, and had them printed at Walgreens for pickup an hour later. At a craft store, I bought a black picture frame with five photo slots, some acid-free card stock paper, and a black washable ink pad. I inked up the boys’ hands and stamped handprints, and penciled in their ages below the handprints. Lastly, I searched quote databases online and found a mother-themed one: “It will be gone before you know it. The fingerprints on the wall appear higher and higher. Then suddenly they disappear.” I pasted the quote into Word and printed it on card stock. The quote went into the middle slot, a picture of each kid on either side of the quote, and finally the handprints. Voila! An instant Mother’s Day classic.

Tree/Stepping Stone Combo. Buy a small tree (growth metaphor) and plant it in your yard. Put mulch around the base. Go to a craft store like A.C. Moore and buy a cement stepping stone kit that incorporates your kids’ handprints or one that includes plastic letter stamps so you can add the date and “Happy Mother’s Day”. These kits are virtually idiot proof, so don’t use any lame I’m-not-too-handy excuses. Place the stepping stone beneath the tree and you’re done. A Mother’s Day gift she’ll cherish for years to come.

Cut out the middle man. With a little bit of thought and effort, you can make a run-of-the-mill gift extraordinary.

Now you’re cookin’. Let’s say you and your wife had a particularly fantastic meal at a restaurant. Instead of taking her to the restaurant (or if it is too far away, make the meal for her at home. Contact the restaurant, explain the situation, and most likely they’ll help you out. Buy the ingredients and let the kids help cook if they’re old enough. If possible, wait until after you eat to reveal the surprise.

Home spa. A spa gift certificate allows your wife to choose whatever treatments she wants when she finally gets a chance to use it, but you might as well just give her cash. Instead, tap into your inner Elizabeth Grady and bring the spa experience to her at home. Google up some all natural facial mask recipes with household grocery items like honey, oatmeal and fresh fruits and vegetables. The kids will have fun smearing the concoction on mom’s face. While the goop is doing its work, get the bath ready (offer her a choice of bath salts or bubbles). Create a relaxing environment in the bathroom with music and candles, and rig something to act as a small table next to the tub. Put tea or a glass of wine on the table, and maybe some fresh fruit. While she soaks for a while, take the kids out of the house and turn off the phone ringers before you leave. The home spa would be a great way to kick off the day, or a nice way to end it.

Spread it out. While Sunday, May 13 is officially Mother’s Day, it’s okay to celebrate your wife for more than one day. Instead of her being one of a hundred other corsage-wearing mothers at the local inn’s Mother’s Day brunch, take her out on Friday, Saturday or Monday instead. This doesn’t exempt you from marking the official observance by any means. Just let her know that you couldn’t fit all the things she deserves into one day.

Some of these ideas will take some time and effort on your part, but your wife is worth it. She’ll give you the time you need to prepare if you tell her you’re working on Mother’s Day stuff, and it’ll build anticipation for her big day. Also, things might not go as planned during the execution of some of these ideas. She might get a rash from the homemade spa mask, or you might accidentally add cayenne pepper instead of paprika to her favorite dish. Even if there are some hiccups in your plans, the memories will last a lot longer than if you hand her a gift certificate tucked into a Hallmark card or if you pay the check at a restaurant.

Now, get to work, noodads! The clock’s ticking…

So Mike yells for the kid to come into the kitchen.  Carol stood with her arms folded and wishing she could chew out Oliver.  Mike then says one of the best lines I’ve heard in a long time:  “Oliver, there are two cars leaving here in fifteen minutes!  One’s going to the movies; the other is going to your house!  Which one are you gonna be in?!  Huh?  What’s it gonna be?!”   Oliver got the message, but will unlikely be welcome back to the house again.

While mopping up the puddle of urine on the floor that leaked out during a laughing fit after hearing this story for the first time, I filed away Mike’s threat for future use.  I also thought about how I would have handled that scenario.  When the kids are young, parents stay for play dates, birthday parties, etc., but once the kids hit an appropriate age for the drop-off all bets concerning behavior are off.   Most kids act better outside the home than they do when they are with you, but you might run into one of these button-pushing, limit-testing hellions in your future.

So, noodads, let us know:

How do you (or how will you) discipline other kids when they are in your care?

This is the latest installment in our Master Debaters Series. There are some topics that seem to fall into the consensus category: drunk driving is bad, guns kill people, Transformers are better than GoBots. But that only covers less than 1% of the decisions you and your spouse make towards the upbringing of your kids. The majority of issues tend to fall more in the gray area.

Here at Noodad.com, we take pride in delivering important advice for dads. But we realize that some of our advice is subjective. The collected readership surely has things to add and unique perspectives to contribute. 

So where do you weigh in?

A few years ago, before they had children, my friends picked out a spirited black lab/chow mix pooch from the local kennel.  They named him Boone.  Boone hasn’t been the easiest dog.  He’s a prolific barker, jumps on guests, and he gets carsick.  My friends hired a professional dog trainer and Boone’s behavior is improving, especially when there are no visitors in the house.  Although Boone is challenging and willful (as my friend from Ireland would say), he’s never hurt anyone.  He’s just kind of an excitable dog and they love him.

Fast forward to last week.  Wally and Jen have two kids now.  Their boy is about 16 months old, and his sister is a few weeks old.  Boone has been fine with the boy, but last week something happened.  Their sister-in-law was keeping an eye on the boy in the kitchen while Jen fed the newborn in a bedroom.  The boy apparently kept poking and prodding Boone, and the dog snapped at him.  Boone made some horrific growling noise when he snapped that Jen heard from the other room and it scared her quite a bit.  So, now Wally and Jen are at a crossroads as far as Boone is concerned.

Jen thinks that Boone could be a danger to the kids.  She wouldn’t feel comfortable hosting play dates with Boone in the house.  Jen doesn’t want to be that person on the news professing how her dog never hurt anyone before after he’s attacked her kid or someone else’s.   She isn’t on the verge of kicking Boone to the curb, but, at the same time, if there’s even a remote chance that Boone will take a chunk out of a kid, she’s reluctant to take that risk.  Finally, Jen understands that Boone is a dog, and as loving and happy as dogs can be, every dog has that primitive instinct buried somewhere in its brain.

Wally has a different view.  He grew up with dogs as part of the family and believes that if handled properly, it’s safe to have a dog.  The incident with his son was an isolated one.  Boone is very patient with Wally’s son, but adjusting to another kid into the family might be stressing Boone out a little, just as it can with people.  His son wasn’t hurt, and there’s also a possibility that he learned something in the process about not harassing the dog.  Wally is very good when it comes to introducing Boone to kids who might be a little nervous about dogs, and he makes an effort to keep Boone away from kids who are just plain afraid of dogs.  With the proper precautions, Wally believes that incidents like this can be avoided in the future and there’s no reason to fear Boone’s presence in the home.

So, what do you think?  With apologies to The Clash, should Boone stay or should he go?  Has anyone else dealt with this kind of doggie dilemma?

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Among the litany of items on your hospital’s Jiffy Lube Signature Service-esque checklist of newborn must-do’s is the critical first deuce. The inaugural bowel movement kicks off a new world for you—one where you’ll be privy to more ass-muck than a Port-A-Potty at a chili cook-off. Along this soiled road you’ll experience an array of textures, a host of nauseating scents, and more shades of brown than Benjamin Moore’s color wheel; especially in the first year. Here’s a primer on your child’s excrement evolutionary chart.

The Number One Number Two
Your kid’s first dump is unlike anything you’ll ever remember coming out of your own body. Instead of anything log-like, you’ll be greeted with a sticky greenish-black puddle. This nasty oil slick is called meconium, and it is completely normal. But it’s also dangerous, and not for its dinosaur-choking, La Brea Tar Pit viscosity. Your child can get pretty sick if he/she releases and inhales it during labor, which isn’t uncommon. It’s beyond your control and very treatable. Doctors are used to dealing with it, so don’t freak out.

Gulden’s, French’s or Grey Poo-pon
Once the meconium is fully flushed out, junior whips up a seedy yellow colon cocktail. This is the poop stage when your child feeds solely on breast milk or formula. It’s also the stage at which you’re most likely to encounter the dreaded Blowout. You’ll hear a squishy trumpet blast followed by a soft sigh of relief. Then you’ll realize your hands are getting wet even though you’re lifting the child by his/her armpits to go change the diaper. Disposable Diaper Engineers are hard at work trying to solve this phenomenon. DDEs walk a fine line in determining an acceptable elasticity on leg- and waist-banding. Too much, and blood circulation is compromised. Too little, and parents are forced to scissor off their kid’s clothes more frequently than an ER triage nurse. Until the turd technicians at Huggies and Pampers figure this out, you’re on your own.

A special note about the liquid-diet only poop stage: May whatever God to whom you pray offer your nasal passages sweet salvation if your child ends up drinking prescription formula (necessary if he/she will not breastfeed and can’t hold down the off-the-shelf stuff). The goop produced by this horrendous-yet-vital nectar gives off an unholy marriage of noxious fumes unparalleled in your brain’s olfactory library.

Taking Shape
At around 4-6 months (depending on your pediatrician’s recommendation), you’ll introduce a flaky little number known as rice cereal into your baby’s diet. This lighter-than-air food-dust is gentle on the digestive system and produces a Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop effect. You’re now dealing with pliable semi-solids as your kid gets used to solid foods.

Fully Formed
After 6 months (again, depending on your child’s pediatrician), your baby is introduced to pureed delights from the good folks at Gerber. This is when you get some variety in the diaper dirt. The poop starts to smell and look like the commode-candy with which you are familiar, each movement like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates—you never know what you’re gonna get. This is how the Luvs Lottery remains until it’s time for potty training, when you’ll be exposed to an entirely different realm of rectum rope.

When you make it this far you’re an official graduate of the School of Scatological Sciences. Be sure to pass along your newfound wisdom to other Noodads out there.

According to the manufacturer’s website (complete with both photographic and video instructions), MySkinClamp works by gradually stretching the shaft skin over the glans.  The device is a series of three nesting spring-loaded cones mounted on a surgical grade stainless steel rod, and it includes a convenient leg strap.  Restoration with MySkinClamp doesn’t occur overnight.  The user has to wear the device for a few hours a day for about two years to achieve a full dermal turtleneck.  The sweet rewards touted at the end of the skin-stretching rainbow include heightened sensitivity, elimination of expensive performance enhancing drugs, and a psychologically better feeling knowing that you’re intact.

If you have your son circumcised you can feel a little bit better about the decision to do so knowing that a remedy is available.  If your son someday gives you grief about the circumcision you can always supply him with a MySkinClamp to re-stretch his Armstrong.  Throw one in his stocking for a Christmas he’ll never forget.

As the picture shows, the web typically lands face down.  That leaves the plastic stem that inserts into Spidey’s wrists face up in the unfriendly neighborhood of a 45° angle, waiting for an unsuspecting law-abiding inhabitant of your home to either step on it or fall on it.  I’ve stepped on a lot of toys in my day, and this is right up there on the pain-causing chart.

Granted, the webs are pretty big and white in color, so you should be able to avoid them most of the time.  My main problem is that the design basically turns them into those angled spikes that Hertz and Enterprise use in their rental lots to blow out the tires if someone tries to make off with a Ford Taurus.  If you have Playskool’s My First Spider-Man in your home, just make sure the webs go safely back into Spidey’s wrists after playing.  You could just save yourself a trip to the emergency room.

According Dr. Glenn Braunstein, chair of the department of medicine at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, the number of dudes with boobs is swelling.  Braunstein says that at least a third of all men suffer from gynecomastia, the clinical name for those c-cups you hide under bulky clothing.  Apparently fat tissue serves a bigger purpose than to just cover you like an undulating beluga whale sweater, or to give your friends ammunition to rag on you after you bluff your way to a pot during your weekly Texas Hold ‘Em game.  In fact, fat tissue is quite metabolically active and converts testosterone to estrogen, and can manifest locally on your chest.  When you mix glandular tissue with fat tissue in that area, guess what happens?  In the good doctor’s words, the result can be “really pendulous breasts”.  Did you hear that?  Really.  Pendulous.  Breasts.  Keep that in mind when you’re whacking back the Pringles and onion dip during NFL Sunday this week.  Instead of heading to Home Depot with a stock list, you’ll be off to Victoria’s Secret to be sized up for a proper-fitting double-barrel slingshot from the Secret Embrace collection.

Let this be a warning, noodads.  Shed those pounds before the baby arrives and avoid sympathy weight gain at all costs.  Even if your pregnant wife tempts you with a two-for-one sundae coupon from Dairy Queen, let her tackle the Peanut Buster Parfait on her own.  It might be cute if your baby tries to suckle on your chest, but it’s a different matter if he can get a better latch on you than his mom.   Now, get up from your computer and go for a walk.  With a little bit of effort you can help eliminate the threat of a nice set of boobs from becoming a gender-neutral phenomenon.