When Should Your Kids Stop Seeing You Naked?
Posted on 05 06, 2007 under Master Debaters by wahoodad | Comments
If before you had kids your morning routine involved strolling to the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel slung over your shoulder and a smile on your face, eventually you’ll have to keep Mr. Happy under wraps once your kids get older. When you live under the same roof with people, it’s inevitable that there’s going to be some exposure. Your daughter might catch a glimpse of your unit if you don’t shut the bathroom door when you take a leak, and your son might happen upon his mom’s boobs if the bedroom door is ajar when she changes; but there’s a big difference between inadvertent fleshy peeks and parading around the house in the raw like it’s the locker room at the gym.
Of course you want to teach your kids that the human body is a natural thing and you don’t want your kids to freak out over seeing someone naked, but you’ve also got to teach modesty and privacy so they don’t get sent home from school for taking their pants off during an educational video because “that’s how Daddy likes to watch television in our house.” Just like in that Seinfeld episode, there’s a big difference between good naked and bad naked—but that line is subjective.
If you’ve ever swapped mealtime horror stories with other parents, you already know the tale of “The Kid Who Only Eats One Thing.” Whether it is Kraft macaroni and cheese or PB&J with the crusts cut off, some kids just won’t try anything else. Night after night you plate the same meal. You don’t have to ask your kid what he wants, and he leaves the table with a full belly. As long as he’s growing and passes all his check-ups with flying colors, what’s the big deal if your kid will eat chicken nuggets and applesauce until he grows feathers and craps Granny Smiths? Besides, you haven’t attended any business dinners where a colleague asks to see the children’s menu, a sure sign that all kids eventually outgrow this behavior.
If you’re new to parenting, chances are good that you’ve heard cautionary tales about the Terrible Twos from experienced parents. If you’re gearing up for some sort of demonic puberty that erupts once your kid hits the 24-month marker, as college football analyst Lee Corso likes to say while pointing into the camera with a Ticonderoga No. 2 pencil: Not so fast! The rumors about your little angel morphing into a devil at the age of two might just not happen. Don’t get too excited, though. It WILL probably happen eventually. Just like in all other area of development, some kids reach this milestone sooner than others. And, as with all kids, the degrees of the affliction vary. Some kids’ worst behavior might equate to refusing to brush their teeth at bedtime, while others may take to smashing toys on the heads of any kid who dares enter his or her personal space. 
It’s one of the sweetest times for parents: the day when you say goodbye to diapers. No more blowouts or super soakers. No more wallet-busting mega packs on your Target sales slips. You do have to pay a price to reach this milestone, though—potty training.
Most kids don’t really need cell phones, but most of them could use a Blackberry or Palm Pilot to keep their weekly schedules. Parents track their kids’ whereabouts on color-coded calendars and spend a great deal of time shuttling them from one activity to another. That Dunkin’ Donuts commercial with the mom driving her kids all over creation in the minivan (Ka-ra-taaayyy!) is remarkably accurate. 
It’s the heart of winter here in New England and don’t look now, but here comes another one. Not a nasty snowstorm, but a week-long school vacation for the kids. There are two ways parents view this week.
Your newborn’s eyes are closed and her jaw moves with a subtle rhythm as she draws milk from your wife’s breast. You smile down at your peaceful little one, completely amazed at her innate ability to feed…. Unfortunately, the guy at the next table trying to decide on one of the 210 tasty possibilities of T.G.I. Friday’s 3 Course Combinator isn’t as impressed. He tries to resist his innate male response to look at any available naked breast , and manages to pull his eyes away from the Boob Tractor Beam long enough to shoot you a look that smacks of “WTF?”. You give him a well-the-kid’s-gotta-eat shrug and place a burp cloth over your wife’s shoulder to block his view. 
You’re at “Happy Feet” with your kid, mesmerized by the tap-dancing Mumbles and his soulful, singing brethren, when you hear a cell phone interrupt Gloria’s solo. You look around for the inconsiderate grown-up, wondering why an adult would choose Hannah Montana’s “If We Were a Movie” as a ring tone, when you see a girl about seven years old whip out a pink clamshell phone. She answers, and yaps away for a minute before closing the phone with a loud SNAP!
When most of us were kids, we celebrated our birthdays in a minimalist fashion. Parents mostly hosted the parties at home, the birthday kid invited a handful of friends over to play some Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey, everyone ate homemade cake and Hood ice cream off paper plates with plastic sporks, and guests left with a Loot Bag containing a few pieces of candy and maybe a yo-yo. If you’ve been out of the kids’ birthday party circuit for a while, prepare for the steady flow of invites once your kid reaches school age. Today, many parents opt for an outside-the-home party at places like Chuck E. Cheese’s, Gymboree or other play gym venue, or indoor sports complexes. If the party is at the home, it might feature a bounce house, a magician, or a professional storyteller. And all these things add up. If you’re frustrated with this generation’s birthday party arms race, you’re not alone.
