Caveats to this idea: YOU are responsible for the safety of
your children and probably would be held responsible if some other random kid
used this and got hurt.  Make sure that
if you leave your area or leave for the day, you do not leave this full of water.
You need to take the shower curtain home with you.

The beach is a great place to take the kids.  They love to play in the sand and splash in
the water.  The only problem is that the
sand sticks to the globs of sunscreen you have caked on your pre-walker. By the
end of the day, they look like a sugar donut and even at bath time you are
still finding sand in their nooks and crannies. 

Maybe you have tried keeping them on the blanket, or you
making frequent trips to the water to rinse them off.  The rinse off does not usually last long
because the ocean is not usually very calm and you cannot always get more than
a quick dip before they are squealing with fear.  If you live in the Northeast, that water is
also pretty cold even in the summer time.

Before you read further, the caveat to this cool little
beach hack is that you MUST take responsibility for your kid’s safety.  You cannot implement this and then just sit
back and read a book. Someone needs to keep a constant watch on the kids. Also,
do NOT leave it there when you leave.  I
know I already said this, but you probably did not read  the last time. If you read them both, then
you deserve a cookie or a medal. Consider it an award for safety.

A family who sat near us on the beach would come down every
morning and dig out a square pit in the sand. It was about 6 inches to 1 foot
deep and about 4 feet by 5 feet. Some days they dug the pit smaller. It just
depended on how many kids they had with them.  They then proceeded to line the pit with a
plastic shower curtain and put the sand from the pit over the edges to keep the
liner in place.  They then filled this
pit with water and made a little pool for the kids to play in.  This was awesome because they had a little
spot for them to splash around. Over the course of the day, the pool got pretty
warm.  Maybe it was from the kids
whizzing in it, but it was probably because it did not take the sun long to
warm up a little pool.  Both my 3 and 18
month old loved the pool. The little guy kept crawling over to our “neighbor’s”
camp to play in theirs with their kids. 

Enjoy the beach! 

Back in the day, my dad would wake us up at the (_._) crack
of dawn. He would then proceed to toss my brother and I into the station wagon,
scream and yell at my mother while squeezing in a few more last minute
necessities, put the dog in the way-back, pay 88 cents a gallon for gas,
complain about it and then attempt to break the world record for slowest drive
time from Clevepuke, (not to be confused with Pittspuke or Pukesburg, PA) OH. to
Vacationland, USA,
also know as Buffalo, New York.

Some families have traditional vacations that they pass down
from generation to generation like “going to the lake” or whatever.  All of my vacations as a kid were just as
lame as the one above. My old man and old lady’s idea of a vacation was what I
now call a DAYTRIP. Of course that is why I have chosen to do exact the
opposite of what my parents did.  My kids
will benefit from the lameness of their grandparents.

There are so many options for a summer vacation and vacation
time is so short.  How would I
decide?  Kids like to have activities.
Kids love routine. Kids love rides. Kids love  
the beach. My wife’s father and his wife always do the same thing every
year.  For two weeks every summer, they
go to THE SHORE.  Not wanting to spoil
their vacation, but also wanting a chance for the kids to get to know them
better, we tagged along for a week.  Sure
it was going to be a long drive, but I decided that it would be worth it.

The days of “No snacks. No seatbelts. No holds barred!” are
long gone. On our vacation we ate donuts, Philly pretzel twists, Polish water
ice, Italian ice, kustard cones, Philly steak sandwiches (Philadelphia is a
delicious place), pizza, fudge, freedom fries (I’m still pissed at you France)
and wedges.  A wedge = a grinder = a sub
= a hoagie ~= a hero.

You may be saying, wait a second here foodad, I do not live
within 10 hours of the coast, how can I take the kids to THE SHORE?  THE SHORE is generic here.  You do not need to go to THE SHORE, you just
need to find a place not super duper close to you that has some of the
previously mentioned wicked super important criteria. You forgot them and are
too lazy to reread? You have the attention span of a 5 year old! They are:
Activities for the kids, water, rides, easy access and junky food.  For example, if you live in the Midwest, you could go to Cedar Point for a week.  If you live in Buffalo,
you could go up to Canada
for a nice lake/lodge vacation.  There
are boardwalks everywhere, not just by the ocean. We did go on one pretty cool boardwalk
and beach vacation with my grandparents as a kid. We drove up to Canada to a place called Wasaga Beach.  As with all cool things during my childhood,
we did it once and we never did it again. 

In part 1 of this series, I will go over some of the things
I did right. Tomorrow we’ll look at my mistakes. If this were the teevee,
Arnold and Willis would also learn a very important adult lesson.

    1)   
Packed
the night before I wanted to leave. Not only did I pack the night before, I
did a dry run the weekend before.  No, I
do not have a lot of free time on my hands. I just wanted to make sure that I
could pack everything into the car and still be able to see out the back.  This also allowed me to pack the car in a
stress free fashion.  I did not bark at
my wife nor did I have one of those bursty looking veins bulging from my
forehead ala foodad senior.

    2)   
Made room
for double jogger. My wife was adamant about being able to bring one item
and one item only.  Our brand spanking
new double jogger. I spent some extra time learning how to break it down and
fold it up easily. I also spent some time complaining that it was unnecessary given
that we had a perfectly awesome, light, EXPENSIVE and compact double stroller and
that the double was going to take up a ton of room in the car.  That was a big waste of my time. This was a
fantastic idea.  It made going to the
beach a snap. We just loaded the kids in the jogger, threw the beach chairs
(actually we used those outdoor reclining chairs with the canvas bags) on my back
and carried the beach bag. The jogger is like a SUS (Sport Utility Stroller) so
we rolled it right onto the beach. Since we stayed close, we left our chairs
and umbrella at the beach when we went home to eat lunch.  It was a little risky, but we didn’t leave any
equipment that we could not easily replace. How did I fit the jogger and the
kids’ bike seats and still see out the back?  One word: Thule. 
Sweden
has done it again.  We went on a ski trip
earlier in the year with the kids and I picked one up for obvious reasons.  I had no idea that once I put it on the car,
I would not want to take it off.  We use
it all the time. I now understand why even mini-van families with one or two
kids tote one.  

3)   
Bike.  We rented bikes when we got there. If you
have the means to carry them, more power to you.  Lock them up. 
We locked up the jogger when we needed to leave it outside a store or
the arcade.   We did bring the kids’ bike
seats as we checked in advance for places to rent them and did not find
any.  You can pick them up relatively
inexpensively on ebay or craigslist.  Do
not forget helmets for yourself and the kids. 
If you wear yours, they will wear theirs.  My 18 month old son loved wearing his after
he saw mine. “Hemet hemet
hemet!”

4)   
Magna
Doodles. This time we did not shell out for the in-car-theater system.  If you can afford it, I am sure that it makes
the trip go by faster, however you do need to hear the DVDs. Personally, I
prefer listening to Dandy Warhols, Arcade Fire and Red Hot Chili Peppers to
Beauty and the Beast while I drive. I need some stimulation in the event that
my wife is feeling like dozing before she takes a turn in the driver’s seat.
Magna doodles are the poor man’s DVD player. 
When the kids got bored of drawing, my wife would draw them pictures of
trains and boats and princesses. They got a kick out of that.  They spent a good hour or so on those.

5)   
Kid
snacks and drinks. My wife brought a small cooler. This sucker was the size
of a lunch box. It fit a few cool drinks for the kids.  This meant that we did not have to stop and
feed them expensive or unhealthy drinks at a rest stop. We also brought
Cheerios, Kix and cereal bars.

6)   
Set my
time expectations low. The drive should have taken us around 6 hours. I
took several things into account:

a.    
We would need to stop to change diapers and for
my daughter to use the bathroom.

b.    
The kids would certainly need to stop to eat and
to stretch.

c.    
No stop with the kids would ever be fast.

d.    
We were leaving at a time that many others would
also be dashing for their favorite vacation spot.

e.    
Many people would be trying to get to the same
place as I was.

We ended up taking about 3 extra
hours to get down and 1.5 on the way back. 
I did not let this get me down as I was expecting the trip to be
sub-optimal.

7)   
Car
fitness. I checked out the car in advance. I made sure that we had an oil
change recently, that tires were properly inflated, that we had wiper fluid and
since it is my wife’s car, I quizzed her on any potential problems.  We also filled up the tank the night before
so we would not lose momentum filling up with gas.  Filling up in the morning isn’t a big deal,
but it can make it feel like you are never going to make progress if you need
to keep stopping.

   
Packed
light did laundry. My wife led the charge on this one.  She made sure that we packed light. We
brought mostly beach clothes and did laundry almost every night. This made
packing easier and made it so that when we got home, we were just unpacking
clothes rather than running them through the washer/dryer. 

9)   
I bought
ride tickets up front.  Boardwalk
style amusement parks still use the old school ticket method rather than having
you pay admission to the park.  We bought
the family package of tickets at the amusement park for $100 bucks.  This gave us an “extra” 105 tickets to fool
around with.  We did not throw them all
down at once, rather we went back several times during the week. The kids were
thrilled with a handful of rides a day. 
The extra tickets also allowed us to go on a few rides with the kids
like the kiddie coaster. We were also able to treat my 13 year old
sister-in-law to rides. 

Hopefully a lot of this stuff is obvious to you. I am sure
there are still a lot of foodad seniors out there though. Tomorrow: the flubs!

Bad idea.  Hertz charged us ten dollars… PER DAY! I could practically have bought a friggin booster seat for that.  So here is what I suggest.

Unless you're the Kaiser of Utah or have a trust fund,  I suggest bringing car seats along if you are staying for more than a day or so.  If you just have too much to bring with you, have a relative pick one up and meet you at the airport or rental care company with the car seat.  

Come on St. Nincompoop! Having Santa in the mall creates mall traffic. It’s not our fault you were a poor negotiator and are now counting on getting a cut of the photo revenues to make your rent or buy your next bottle of Christmas cheer! What do you think, noodads?

I know that so I was doing some research online about credit checks and credit monitoring services…specifically interested in Life Lock. Life Lock is the company founded by that guy who plasters his Social Security Number on TV and buses. Turns out that his life wasn’t “locked” – some dude in TX was able to open a bank account using his SSN. Little piece of advice…don’t dare cheats – they have the time and the wherewithal to %^$# you. Life Lock is also being sued by several states. You can read all about it in this New York Times article.

Anyhow, the net net of my research effort is that there’s no bulletproof way to “lock” your life…checking your credit regularly, freezing your credit, shredding your bills…they all help. Mostly though, I’ve come to realize that it’s about assuming a defensive posture (a financial “Flying Crane” if you will) and common sense.

Get into the right mindset and some really useful ID theft prevention tips by taking a very cool ID Theft Quiz here. Answer 10 questions (none of them require personal info) and you’ll get a score and tips to improve it.

The article suggests monitoring spending, using gift cards, scrutinizing credit card statements,  and dodging internet ripoffs as ways to keep your kids financially out of trouble.

For those with teenagers out there, what have your techniques been?

Our friends couldn’t have imagined this would happen. The ironic thing is that if they had actually encountered a family who couldn’t afford a car seat, they probably would have bought one for the family in need. That’s because these parents, like me, want to help other parents. Parents of young kids usually associate with other parents with young kids. It’s a very helpful and nurturing community. Have a kid or two and you may find yourself in the neighborhood kid commune with arranged group play dates and hand-me down clothes swaps. You may even earn membership in an extended network of neighbors that will gladly pick up some apple juice or milk for your kids if they happen to be running to the store for their kids. We noodads unite for the common good. Sadly, not everyone is sharing the vibe though, because someone out there will steal your damn child seat if you forget to lock your car doors. Reality has a funny way of ruining the higher aspirations that many of us appreciate once we have brought a new life into the world.

To the lousy thief in Dallas – perhaps you are reading this on stolen laptop? I hope for your sake that universal karma doesn’t visit your innocent child who now rides daily on stolen property. Although you don’t want it, I have pity for you. And I hold greater hopes for you as well. I hope you can provide your child enough in life to ensure that they don’t become a two bit thief like their own parent. I also hope that you can locate and embrace the community of other parents near you. Next time just ask for help. You might get it.

Stephen Gilpin image used without permission. http://www.sgilpin.com/comics.html

The event was Disney's Princesses on Ice. The location of the crime was the TD Banknorth Garden, formerly the Fleet Center, formerly the Boston Garden or "the Gahhdin". Again, I should have seen it coming. Everything associated with Disney Princesses carries a huge premium. But nothing could prepare me for the onslaught of pressure, guilt, and competition that came over me. More on the guilt later. Here is a breakdown of what we purchased during the event:

- Two (2) Tickets LOGE Section (Partially obstructed view): $90 for the pair including taxes, fees, etc.
- Parking (Event Rate): $15
- One (1) Sleeping Beauty Doll: $22
- One (1) Spinning Light: $18
- One (1) Picture with Ariel Statue: $20
- One (1) SnoCone in a Souvenir Cup: $12
- Lunch for 2 outside of venue: $20

Grand Total: $197

{mosnooad}Besides the tickets and parking, these items may seem frivolous. That's where the guilt comes in. You see, when you have a special day planned for just you and your little girl, and she is all dressed up like Sleeping Beauty, and she is so excited to be there that she can't even talk straight,a and THEN she asks you for a Sleeping Beauty doll, you may say to yourself, "Sure. A souvenir is nice. I still have my mini Philadelphia Flyers hockey stick that my Dad bought me at my first hockey game. Yeah, I saw the same doll at the Disney Store for $10 but that's the premium you pay at the venue." So you buy it.

Then, your daughter's friend, whom we are sitting with, decides she wants a spinning light. So then you think to yourself, "Well, I only set out to get her one souvenir but she will feel left out when everyone else is spinning their lights during the show and I want her to feel happy, so why not?" So you buy it.

Then, on your way to the bathroom, your daughter (and her friend) spot the picture taking with Ariel. Mind you, it isn't a real Ariel impersonator (if it was, I would consider a picture), it's a statue. Like the shiny Big Boy or Ronald McDonald statues. But the kids are excited and they wouldn't allow cameras inside so we should document the event. So you buy it.

Then you sit down in your seats and you notice that every kid in the row in front of you are sporting rainbow sno cones in souvenir cups. And when both girls ask in unison if they could have one, you think to yourself, "well, she might be hungry and you don't want any tears before the show even starts." So you buy it.

$72 worth of extra stuff before the show even starts. You may be asking yourself how this all turned out? Well…We lost the tiny itty bitty shoes that came with the Sleeping Beauty doll almost immediately and that started a whine fest. The light was a hit until they saw someone else had a bigger one. The sno cone dripped syrup all over her dress, my leg, and the floor and then after 10 bites or so, it was declared that she didn't want anymore.

Am I a sucker? You bet. But this isn't a cautionary tale, noodads. This is an education. The lesson is don't fool yourself into thinking you can escape unscathed. Bring ample amounts of cash. Like any good MasterCard commercial, despite all the cost, the memory was priceless.

In theory a child saves coins by filling the slots. Once the folder is full, you take the Kitty to the bank and deposit the coins into a savings account. On birthdays Grandpa sent full Dime Kittys. Upon receipt, I promptly unloaded the coins and bought three dollars worth of candy at the nearby Stop-N-Go.  

In these modern days you can take a more sophisticated approach to teach your kids how to save and invest for the future. Instead of pumping a few coins into a savings account at your local bank you can actually buy your kid stock in that bank. In the future Timmy can have more than a jar full of old coins. He can be a shareholder. 

If you have a newborn you may not be too worried about you child's ability to digest complex financial options and investment strategies. Fair enough. At some point down the road, however, they need to understand money. Further down that road they need to know about savings and investments. Many people are cautious when it comes to starting an investment plan for their kids. Some want the first step to be symbolic.

{mosnooad}Companies like Oneshare.com encourage this transaction by offering the sale of a single share of stock. The stock certificate you select can be mounted, framed, and transferred to your name. On a stock like Disney the stock ($32), frame ($42) a transfer fee ($39) will run you about $115.00. Follow this route and your kids will have a very nice piece of art that may or may not inspire them to invest.

Here's a better idea. For $35 you can purchase the Sharebuilder Young Investment Kit.  Sharebuilder is an online broker catering to small investors. Setting up a custodial account on Sharebuilder is easy. Enroll in the cheapest option and there is only a fee when you buy additional stock for your kid. Other options allow regular investments at low rates. The $35 you'll pay for the kit will get you $125 worth of swag, including $25 in the stock account, a $10 iTunes gift certificate, and lots of material to educate young investors.  

There are many different approaches to saving and investing. I certainly don't advise this to be your only approach. Determine your personal goals. If you want something safe, set up an IRA or a trust. However, if you want to let you kids dip their toes into something bigger, Sharebuilder is a safe way to do it. Be warned. Before you sign up you should read up on custodial accounts.  The stocks belong to the kid, can't be transferred, and you must manage the account until your kid reaches the distribution age. Some earnings can be taxed. If you put the money in the account don't plan on pulling it out anytime soon. If you need liquid investments that be converted to a Snickers bar with ease, you may want to consider the Dime Kitty.

Here are some things to watch out for when you are at the park.

Top 10 Disney World Pitfalls

10 – Long lines – Get there early and go on the rides you care
about most. Fast pass rides throughout the day so that you can leave
and come back.  Take some time to actually talk to your family while
you are in line. 

9 – Crazy people who don't know where they are going  – Nobody
knows how to drive in the Disney World area.  This is primarily because
everyone is from out of town. Take this into account. Also remember
that there are a ton of blue haired people who drive tanks and cannot
see over the steering wheel.  Sometimes these people park in the middle
of the through lane for no reason. Believe me, I nearly rear ended one.

8 - People who won't let you pass    I am a Masshole. 
Therefore I feel entitled to the highway, parkway, driveway, skyway,
catwalk and sidewalk.  As long as we are going in the same direction,
you are in my way.  Sometimes people just like to walk leisurely. It is
important to remember that they are as selfish as you are.  You can try
politely asking them to get the f$@( out of the way, but it's probably
better just to kick it down a notch yourself. You are on vacation
afterall

{mosnooad}

7 – Meltdowns – Do not be afraid to leave the park.  If you
push your kids, that is when you will experience meltdown.  We
bailed during the hottest part of the day, 12-3. We hit the pool at our
"resort", grabbed some Z and ate.  This down time prepared us for
the long evening and allowed us to keep our kids out late enough to see
the fireworks.  If you stay on property, consider bailing before
the fireworks and viewing them from the property.

6 – Fast Food  -  We ate Checkers, Sonic (I
give this a foodad total pwnage award), Papa John's and Burger King. In
the park we had Hot Dogs at Casey's, funnel cakes, turkey legs and
stuffed pretzels.  It's really hard to avoid.  The character
meals are worthwhile because they have fruits and vegetable and the
kids also get to meet characters like Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Piglet
and Eeyore. Try the breakfast lasagna. It's like a party in your mouth.

5 – Hot Weather  -  My nuts were so sweaty, I
thought they would just off and swim away in <lake in
adventureland>.  Bring your own water. Consider also bringing a
spray bottle to cool off the kids.  The park also has sprinklers
in Ariel's Grotto and next to the Magic Carpets among other
places.  Splash Mountain is a great place to cool off if you have
older kids.

4 – The Flight   – I am that crazy guy who totes 2 car
seats through the airport because I do not want to check them.  I
gate check one and use the other on the plane for my son. On my most
recent trip, I relaxed a little on the rules. We paid the price.

3 – Cost – There are many ways to minimize the cost of a trip to
Disney World.  Cut corners on your hotel. Take advantage of one of
those offers from Sheraton or Hilton to stay in one of their time
shares (sign up for the preferred memeber club, you will probably get
some offers that way). Sure, you need to see a time share presentation,
but they gave us $175 cashola to see it.  No, I did not buy a
timeshare. The maintenance fees are where they getcha. "Cmon, Mi-kel.
Just gather up some courage and jump de fence. You need to own
something. Make a smart inwestment." Hahahahaha. No thanks. I am not
paying $675/year in maintenance fees on top of my "ownership" fee. My
wife even brought some Disney "souvenirs" with us so that she could
give them to my daughter.  She didn't know the
difference.    This article is about going for free. 

2 – Fornicating Bugs   – I have never been exposed to
so much sexual congress in my life.  The worst thing is that these
june bugs or whatever the hell they are think that they can just use me
as a Motel 6. As there is a seemingly limitless supply of sexbugs, I do
not have any answers for this problem except to drive on the
highway.  You will splatter them against your grill and
windshield. Thank goodness for rental cars.

1 – Trying to Do It All  -  Pace yourself.  If
there is one thing I have learned about Disney World is that it is a
lifelong experience. If you do not see something this time, save it for
next time.  Different aged kids like to do different things and
there really is something for everyone.  Do not stress if you miss
an attraction. My philosophy on vacation spots it is impossible to see
everything in the best ones.  The best spots leave something for
you to look forward to the next time you go. Be sure to prioritze and
do not be afraid to leave some fun for a return visit. If there is not
going to be a next time due to whatever reason, savor the things that
you did and do not fret the things that you were unable to fit in.