What’s in the Diaper: The Inside Poop on Poop

THIS POST WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED APRIL 2006

Among the litany of items on your hospital’s Jiffy Lube Signature Service-esque checklist of newborn must-do’s is the critical first deuce. The inaugural bowel movement kicks off a new world for you—one where you’ll be privy to more ass-muck than a Port-A-Potty at a chili cook-off. Along this soiled road you’ll experience an array of textures, a host of nauseating scents, and more shades of brown than Benjamin Moore’s color wheel; especially in the first year. Here’s a primer on your child’s excrement evolutionary chart. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, The Abuse You Will Know

Remember the time you were walking down the street, minding your own business, and you stepped on an errant rollerskate and went sliding out of control towards a the subway station stairway where you then proceeded to fall down 40 steps and land on a yak? or in some yak? the technicolor yawn kind! Even if that was succeeded by a piano landing on your head, that day was child”s play compared to the mental abuse you are going to experience in the delivery room.

We all remember the scene from Alien where the alien larvae busts through the guy”s stomach. That was AWESOME. Well this isn”t like that, it IS that. The baby wants out, she wants it out and it”s more painful than 20 consecutive “humilating kicks in the crotch” to do so.
The great Bill Cosby talks about how his wife stood up in the middle of labor and announced that his parents were never married. In order to descibe the pain, she also opted to grab his bottom lip and pull it up over his forehead. My wife kindly explained to me that if I did not do everything she requested, she would strangle me with the umbilical cord or any available cord, cable or wire.

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What Not to Tell Your Co-Workers About Your Pregnant Wife

People get curious about pregnancy. Even with complete strangers, people feel entitled to ask questions. “When are you due?” “Is this your first?” “Do you know what you are having?” For us guys, we miss out on these moments. No one cares that we didn’t sleep well, or that we have horrible gas, or that we huff and puff when we walk up the stairs. They don’t care because we aren’t carrying the kid.

But pregnancy is as big of a deal for you as it is for her. Sometimes, when we are at work, we feel compelled to tell stories and share items of information about the pregnancy that we probably should not share. There are some things that should be between you and her.

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Everything A Guy Needs to Know About Dilation

There are many things in this world that men naturally do not grasp right away. How to spend more than 5 minutes getting ready in the morning is one. The difference between a duvet cover and a bedspread. The appeal of Matthew McConaughey . But one of the hardest concepts to grasp for a predad is the idea of “dilation”.You will hear the word dilation (along with the word’s variations: dilating, dilated, etc) many times over the course of a pregnancy. The definition of dilation, as it is described in our very own Predad Dictionary , is:
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Top Tips for Announcing Your Pregnancy

No doubt, a plus symbol on that EPT stick can bring a rush of emotion that you have never felt before in your life. But one of the trickiest things about the earliest part of pregnancy is knowing who to tell and who to keep in the dark. And then when you decide it is ok to put out your press release, how exactly do you do it?

The short answer (the answer you will hear a lot from a noodad article) is: “It really depends.” Now that I was able to give you a clear, definitive answer, my work here is done. (Just kidding) The longer answer is that there are a number of factors that will contribute to who you tell, who you don’t, when to tell, when not to tell, and how
you tell it.
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Orgasmic Childbirth Debunked

After I saw Two Chicks One Cup, I thought I had seen it all. That was until my Noodad pointed me to Orgasmic Childbirth. In my taiji practice I have learned a lot about the power of the mind, but this was more even my powerful mind could comprehend. These people actually believe that they can train themselves to have orgasms during child birth.

My favorite lines: “If conception feels good, why not childbirth?” and “Little by little, our culture is ridding itself of the fear, shame, and guilt that keep many of us from experiencing sex - let alone birth - as orgasmic.”

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The Noodad Preemie Dictionary

If you have a preemie in the hospital or are in the middle of an at-risk pregnancy, you could be barraged with new terminology. Not only should you know what they mean, you should be respectful of the implications they carry with them. For all you veteran preemie Noodads, please add to this list so the newbies can be prepared. Remember, foodad is not a doctor just a noodad like you. As the dad of a preemie, I know this can be rough and you cannot really prepare for it. Here are some terms to help you get an idea of the challenges faced by parents with preemies

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Man Boobs are No Laughing Matter

In recent years we’ve been beaten over the head about how
fat we are as nation.  It seems like you
can’t watch a newscast without some story (complete with from-the-neck-down
shots of anonymous fatties walking down the street with a 32-ounce soda in hand)
airing about how yet another food contributes to packing on the pounds.  Of course, nobody wants to hear it.  “I’m a grown man!” you shout at the news
anchor, wildly waving a sub sandwich as you recline in your La-Z-Boy.  “You’ll have to pry this cheesesteak out of
my cold, dead hands!”  Some guys even
treat their beer bellies like some gelatinous badge of honor by wearing
t-shirts that say “Body by Bud” in stretched funhouse mirror letters across
their expansive midsections.  It seems
like nothing can get us to pay attention to our expanding waistlines, but a
recent article in the New England Journal of Medicine might just do the
trick:  How’d you like a nice set of jugs
to go with your gut?

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My Son Has Some Serious Sac

This morning, my 1 week old son jumped on his skateboard and did a crazy trick off a quarterpipe into ongoing traffic. He has serious sac. Okay, the beginning part is a lie, but the ending isn't. I am proud to say that my kid has monstrous balls. I'm talking balls that Chuck Norris would be envious of.

Before you start wondering whether large balls run in the family, you should think about your own sons when they were newborns. Odds are, they had serious sac too.

Don't worry, it is perfectly normal and you don't have to worry about your kid growing up to be known as the boy who bludgeons his girlfriend when teabagging. There's a reason why our newborn boys have Maximum Sackage.
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When the Contractions Come But the Kid Hasn’t…Yet

The dreaded waiting game. For the last 38 or so weeks, you have been planning for this day. Your bags are packed and there is plastic on the passenger side seat. The phone chain is set and the nursery is finished. Now, all you do is wait. Waiting. Checking. Waiting. Hoping this day is the day. Waiting.

All this waiting can drive you mad. But just when you thinking you are fully insane, nature has a way of ratcheting up a few more ticks. Because if you think you are mad now, wait until the contractions start happening and the kid still doesn't come. That will drive you to the looney bin.
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