If you have a preemie in the hospital or are in the middle of an at-risk pregnancy, you could be barraged with new terminology. Not only should you know what they mean, you should be respectful of the implications they carry with them. For all you veteran preemie Noodads, please add to this list so the newbies can be prepared. Remember, foodad is not a doctor just a noodad like you. As the dad of a preemie, I know this can be rough and you cannot really prepare for it. Here are some terms to help you get an idea of the challenges faced by parents with preemies
In recent years we’ve been beaten over the head about how
fat we are as nation.It seems like you
can’t watch a newscast without some story (complete with from-the-neck-down
shots of anonymous fatties walking down the street with a 32-ounce soda in hand)
airing about how yet another food contributes to packing on the pounds.Of course, nobody wants to hear it.“I’m a grown man!” you shout at the news
anchor, wildly waving a sub sandwich as you recline in your La-Z-Boy.“You’ll have to pry this cheesesteak out of
my cold, dead hands!”Some guys even
treat their beer bellies like some gelatinous badge of honor by wearing
t-shirts that say “Body by Bud” in stretched funhouse mirror letters across
their expansive midsections.It seems
like nothing can get us to pay attention to our expanding waistlines, but a
recent article in the New England Journal of Medicine might just do the
trick:How’d you like a nice set of jugs
to go with your gut?
This morning, my 1 week old son jumped on his skateboard and did a crazy trick off a quarterpipe into ongoing traffic. He has serious sac. Okay, the beginning part is a lie, but the ending isn't. I am proud to say that my kid has monstrous balls. I'm talking balls that Chuck Norris would be envious of.
Before you start wondering whether large balls run in the family, you should think about your own sons when they were newborns. Odds are, they had serious sac too.
Don't worry, it is perfectly normal and you don't have to worry about your kid growing up to be known as the boy who bludgeons his girlfriend when teabagging. There's a reason why our newborn boys have Maximum Sackage. Read the rest of this entry »
The dreaded waiting game. For the last 38 or so weeks, you have been planning for this day. Your bags are packed and there is plastic on the passenger side seat. The phone chain is set and the nursery is finished. Now, all you do is wait. Waiting. Checking. Waiting. Hoping this day is the day. Waiting.
All this waiting can drive you mad. But just when you thinking you are fully insane, nature has a way of ratcheting up a few more ticks. Because if you think you are mad now, wait until the contractions start happening and the kid still doesn't come. That will drive you to the looney bin. Read the rest of this entry »
A couple of months ago, I wrote an article entitled, “What Not to Tell Your Co-Workers About Your Pregnant Wife”. In the article I reasoned, “Sometimes, when we are at work, we feel compelled to tell stories and share items of information about the pregnancy that we probably should not share. There are some things that
should be between you and her.”
That was sound advice. But while the first bath of advice covered more
general topics like morning sickness, pregnancy side effects, and
naming disagreements, this installment will deal with more specific
points of wisdom. The following is a handy guide to help you determine
what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable when talking about the
final days of pregnancy to your co-workers. Read the rest of this entry »
We all want our sons to be successful, but do we really mean it? Today’s kids are walking around with names like Ethan, Logan, Hunter and Willem. While these may sound cool, chances may be better that you will end up with a Mixed Martial Arts dynamo than a dominant force financial success. According to the US Government, in 2005 the most popular boy names were Jacob, Michael, Joshua, Matthew and Ethan. Some of you are on the right track to having powerful kids, but some are flat out reading the wrong books, naming after the wrong relatives or watching too much TV.
There is a system for everything and like any system, if you put garbage in, you should not expect to be riding the gravy train out. So where should we be looking for inspiration? Actors? HARDLY! There is very little chance that your kid is going to be a great and powerful actor. Even if they are, they are then subjected to the fickleness of the public on a daily basis as well as constant hounding by the paparazzi. Who would wish that on their worst enemey? Paris Hilton maybe. How about U.S. Presidents? Senators? Congressmen? I don't think so. The best chance for success is in the business world. The most powerful people in the business world tend to be the CEOs of the Fortune 1000. That is where we wil look for inspiration. Here we can aim for CEO and be happy with senior management and thrilled with executive management.
Just because you planted your seed and the sproutlet is forming does not mean you are ready to be a dad. Sure, you have the necessary equipment to build a family, but it takes more than a boink to be a real dad. You need to develop cat-like reflexes and be cunning like a ninja. Think you have what it takes? Take our quiz to find out.
1. How much sleep a night do you need to function as a human being?
A) 10 hours
B) 8 hours
C) 6 or less
D) Whatever I am given, I will utilize every second of Read the rest of this entry »
During labor there may be some filthy things coming out of your wife's mouth. She may normally be the nicest person in the world, but in this time of physical and emotional trauma, you may see her transform into a sailor in the South Pacific. This may seem funny in principle, but believe me, it isn't.
The problem lies in the fact that although your wife may forget all the things that she says to you during labor, she will remember every single word you say, or mutter under your breath. Read the rest of this entry »
Predads: consider this a warning. Yet another helpful hint from your friend, Noodad. You heard it here first. You need to care about weekly fetal development. Ok. Now tell your pregnant wife to step away from the computer. All clear?
Listen carefully guys: You don't really have to care about fetal development. You only need to pretend to care about weekly fetal development.
So
your wife is in the third trimester and both of you are counting down
the days. She may have already started dilating and may already be on
maternity leave. You, on the other hand, need to continue to go to
work, anxiously awaiting the phone call, with the words, "It's time."
on the other end.
That can be really stressful—juggling
concentration at work with concentration on your needy wife and
soon-to-be kid. Guess what? Get used to it. Because once that baby
comes, you will be stressed out about that all the time. But I digress:
that's a different article.
If you have a preemie in the hospital or are in the middle of an at-risk pregnancy, you could be barraged with new terminology. Not only should you know what they mean, you should be respectful of the implications they carry with them. For all you veteran preemie Noodads, please add to this list so the newbies can be prepared. Remember, foodad is not a doctor just a noodad like you. As the dad of a preemie, I know this can be rough and you cannot really prepare for it. Here are some terms to help you get an idea of the challenges faced by parents with preemies
In recent years we’ve been beaten over the head about how
This morning, my 1 week old son jumped on his skateboard and did a crazy trick off a quarterpipe into ongoing traffic. He has serious sac. Okay, the beginning part is a lie, but the ending isn't. I am proud to say that my kid has monstrous balls. I'm talking balls that Chuck Norris would be envious of.
A couple of months ago, I wrote an article entitled, 
We all want our sons to be successful, but do we really mean it? Today’s kids are walking around with names like Ethan, Logan, Hunter and Willem. While these may sound cool, chances may be better that you will end up with a Mixed Martial Arts dynamo than a dominant force financial success. 
During labor there may be some filthy things coming out of your wife's mouth. She may normally be the nicest person in the world, but in this time of physical and emotional trauma, you may see her transform into a sailor in the South Pacific. This may seem funny in principle, but believe me, it isn't.
Predads: consider this a warning. Yet another helpful hint from your friend, Noodad. You heard it here first. You need to care about weekly fetal development. Ok. Now tell your pregnant wife to step away from the computer. All clear?
So
