Infected With Stuffed Animalitis

I don"t like pets but I have an entire zoo in my house. I have 2 dogs, 1 cat, 3 bears, a giraffe, a monkey, countless monsters who giggle, and a clown. And this is just in one room! I"m talking about the pandemic called, Stuffed Animalitis, and it has overtaken my house. In all, we have over 60 stuffed toys in our house. This is spread over 2 kids, a wife, and me.

The Gunds and Ty"s of the world should be ashamed of themselves making these things so damn cute. Because if that kitten didn"t have those plastic crystal eyes staring right back at me, it would have been in the trash can a long time ago. And if that stuffed monkey did not have soft furry hands that velcro to each other, he would be fending for himself in a land fill.

The problem is you can"t do anything about it. Your kids grow attached. They name them. They sleep with them. You can"t just go all "Death Star to Alderaan" on them. Although I relish the thought of saying, "It is as if a million stuffed animals cried out in agony and then silence."

My daughter knows where each one of her "stuffies" are at all times. Each one has their assigned space on the bed or on the shelf. If any one of them is misplaced, she will find it and restore order. She also makes up elaborate names for them: like her Build-A-Bear giraffe, "Minx Momo Muffie" or "Minxie" for short. How could I send Minxie away to the "farm"? This giraffe has personality!

And even if you abstain from buying these cute little furry things, and try to stop the problem at ground zero, your family and friends will infect your household. Every time a birthday or any other major gift giving holiday comes up, my kids get a stuffed animal. It"s an easy gift to give: you don"t have to wrap it and it has a wide range of acceptable ages. "Is that Rescue Heroes Helicopter too sophisticated for my 3 year old niece? Oh screw it, I"ll just give her a stuffed animal."

I"m just as guilty. It"s a quick fix of kid elation and a binary decision process. You don"t have to wonder the educational value of it. The only thing you need to worry about is whether it is cute or not. I would not set out to buy a stuffed animal for my kid but once my kids" friends birthdays come up, I"m debating between the Build-A-Bear gift certificate, and the 4 foot tall Winnie the Pooh.

Here"s what you need to know Noodads:

• Don"t buy these things. The animals will come to you. You don"t go out and bring lice or a vial of ebola into your house right?
• Don"t criticize an ugly one. Your kid will love it more and ask to have it sit at the dinner table every night just to spite you.
• Don"t strain yourself when pretending to be the voice of the stuffie. If you make a high pitch squeeky noise for a stuffed animal, your kid will expect that stuffie to always talk that way. Bye bye vocal cords!
• Don"t try to be cute and alter the name of the stuffie. You wouldn"t want people to take liberties of making nicknames for your kids. So don"t do that to your kid"s kids.
• If puke, pee, or poo gets on a favorite stuffie, treat it the same way you would treat the leather seats in your car—with the white glove package from Dr. Detail.
• Never pretend to strangle, hang, or otherwise abuse the stuffie. You"re a sick puppy even thinking about that.
• Never try to have 2 stuffies hump each other: especially with Tickle Me Elmos. It"s just too damn funny and you won"t be able to stop doing it.

Good luck Noodads.