The Bowtie of Pain

Posted on 05 23, 2009 under Stuff by gregoryng | View Comments

In this world, there are baby locks. And then there are BABY LOCKS. One such lock that warrants an all-capped treatment is known as the cabinet flex lock from Safety 1st. It is also known in my house as the Bowtie of Pain. Perfect, isn"t it? The name? Before you go and try to register the domain, save yourself the trip, I already own Bowtieofpain.com. (OK, that is a lie. I have to stop lying to you people.) Those who have experienced this wunderkind of plastic will know that this lock combines protection, versatility, and swagger all into its yellow and gray body.

If you have a place that you want to protect from curious toddlers, use this lock. Heck, if you want to protect all your noodad.com stock from would be bank robbers, use this lock. Forget dobermans, this lock has more bite. He will knock your kid down and spit in their face for trying to defeat him.

 

Its application is simple: Have a cabinet with door handles that close side by side? Instead of preventing your kid from opening the door, why not use the power of plastic zippers to tension-weld the handles together? By looping each end of the bowties around each handle and pulling the zippers taut, you have converted your liquor cabinet from minimum security to The Rock.

You may be asking yourself, "Zippers? Are you kidding me?" To which I reply with this point of credibility: Chuck Norris can"t get into this lock. And no one messes with Chuck Norris. Remember those toy motorcycles we had as kids where you pull the plastic zipper and it makes the wheels on the bike spin crazy fast right off your dining room table? That type of tension requires a serious grade of plastic with deep, sharp zipper teeth. So sharp in fact that if you don"t have well moisturized hands, it can rip the skin right off your fingers.

So just lube up with some Jergens right? Wrong. That"s where you realize the true power of the Bowtie of Pain. To disengage the lock you must depress the plastic yellow diamond and the side yellow button while pulling out the zipper. Purell on the thumb will turn into Purehell of a time getting good leverage., That finger will slide right off. And make no mistake, the Bowtie of Pain will mock you for it.

Now imagine, the feeble hands and limited dexterity of your kids trying to get into these locks. It"s a battle that is as one-sided as Drago vs Creed. Your kid will be the one saying, "Throw in the damn towel!" And don"t think you are immune. This thing will "break you" too.

I have been working on one of these locks for years now. I still have hidden Christmas gifts from 2003 behind one of these things. It works and it is worth your money. Go buy them.

Anyone else have experiences with these suckas?

 

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  • We have one on the cabinet under our entertainment center to keep our 3 year old out of the gaming systems stored down there. It's worked very well for keeping him out and I have never had a problem getting in when I want to play a game.
  • The locks look hip, and they're very useful in protecting our kids from the probable harm lying beyond those locks. Will definitely get one as soon as possible.
  • Very interesting product, I am sure this one lock is tough!
  • studentdad
    they should make the bow tie of pain larger and give it to law enforcement, they work much better than regular zip ties with the added bonus of the serrated edge. Plus, if its almost impossible to open when you have both hands free, imagine trying to do it when your holding a screaming toddler in one arm.
  • jiff
    Any article with Chuck Norris in it get my seal of approval! :grin
  • noodad
    Wingnut, there are choices out there but I have found that, by far, the best company for baby proofing stuff is Safety 1st. It is well made, not too ugly, and does their job.
  • wingnut
    Are there any more good suggestions to keep \"junior\" safe?? I grew up with rubber bands around handles and \"STAY AWAY FROM MY DRINK!\" With all this new stuff out there it is overwhelming. I\'d like to use the K.I.S.S. system whenever possible unless there are amps or horsepower involved(hey, I\'m still a guy after all)
  • twodad
    I wholeheartedly recommend the ‘bowtie of pain’ for any cabinet you [B]won’t[/B] need to get into frequently. And, as always, noodad is right, the thing will tear your fingers apart. It took me five minutes and many curse words to put the first one on.
  • wahoodad
    I used these locks, but in a modified way. I left the loop just loose enough so that I could slip it over the cabinet knobs with a little bit of effort.

    I also installed one of those magnetic Tot-Loc things on a corner lazy susan cabinet where the bowtie wasn\'t an option. What a pain in the ass. It works fine but trying to hit the right spot to activate the release is a little trying when you need to get something out of the cabinet in a hurry.
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