Your Toys Were Deadly And You Didnt Know It
Posted on 06 09, 2009 under Stuff by schneidermike | View Comments
When your dad was a kid he and his buddies used to run around the yard shooting each other with slingshots and pellet guns. They would happily plunk each other in the ass or neck or eye with BBs, rocks and marbles. Of course YOU were never allowed to do the same. Your dear old folks would never allow it. My dad used to talk about how his friend blew his thumb off with a cherry bomb. I bet that he and his friends were allowed and encouraged to play with explosives. In contrast to them, we were stuck running around the yard "shooting" each other with toy replica AK47s and stabbing away with our plastic bowie knives. Of course you cannot do that today. Now all of the guns are pink and orange and fire water, while all edges have been converted from Bert to Ernie.
And now noodad, ask yourself: Would I let my kids play with the toys I had as a kid?
1. Fisher Price Garage: This thing is awesome. It has 4 little cars and 4 little drivers. There is an elevator that takes them to the top and a ramp to drive them down. The problem with this is that the little drivers also make great esophagus corks. Fisher price has since re-designed the little people to be so wide that only Rosey O"Donnell needs to worry.
2. Happy Apple: It has a nice look, solid construction and makes a jingling noise that babies love. Happy Apple? MISNAMED! More like Happy Medicine Ball. It weighs nearly 5 pounds and is extremely dense for its size. Look at the age on the box, 3-months to 3 years! Imagine a 3 month old with a 2 year old brother and the 2 year old drops Happy Bowling Ball on the baby"s head? The stem and leaves, which are advertised as helpful for teething (should be choking), can also come off. The original version had a super long stem that they changed to a shorter, easier to swallow version in 1979.
3. Clown Jalopy: It has one of those long, strangly pull chords and it looks like a character out of the Spawn comics. I loved this toy as a kid (I think it"s older than I am) but it scared the crap out of my kids. Just look at it! It"s pure concentrated evil.
Predictions for future toy bannings:
1. Thomas the Tank Engine: These clearly allow kids to model terrorist scenarios involving railroad demolition.
2. Leap Pad Letter Magnets: Farmer Tad and his speech impediment accused of building a generation of "A" mispronouncers. (He says Eeeh).
3. Razor Scooter: The name is sooooo sharp!
What can you add to this list?
