Our kids are older now and although we still go through painful, expensive, and stinky experiences on a day to day basis, we have given the internet all that we can give.

Stay tuned for announcements on a new project we are working on. Special thanks to all of our readers, contributors, and sponsors. We have enjoyed teaching dads and dads-to-be the things we have learned the hard way.

While you wait, check out some of other current projects:

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Thank you.

PS: The content is for sale as is the domain. Contact one of us for details. contact@noodad.com gets to us both.

One of these important decisions comes around the 16th week of pregnancy. It is the decision on whether or not to take the AFP test. AFP stands for Alphafetoprotein, a protein made by your unborn kid and secreted through their liver and then dumped into your wife's blood. The test is a simple blood test that checks for abnormally high or low levels of that protein.

The reason the test is controversial is not because of the blood giving part (your pregnant wife will be giving blood for one reason or another quite frequently). The basis of controversy is about the reliability of the results and what the results may tell you. The results of the test can give you and your doctor advanced notice on potential neural tube defects in your kid. These defects could include major defects like anencephaly and spina bifida —both conditions that frequently result in stillborn births or death shortly after birth. A low AFP level can also give you indication your kid may be born with Down Syndrome.

{mosnooad}There are many reasons why you and your wife may choose to have this test performed. Some people feel that advanced notice gives them the option to terminate the pregnancy and try again for a healthier one. Others believe that a positive test result gives them enough time to prepare for the special needs their kid may be born with.

But for every reason that may point you to getting the test, there may be one that steers you against it. Experts disagree on the reliability of a positive result with these tests. Some say the "False positive" rate is only 5% yet others say it can be as high as 80%! Personally, how "experts" can differ that greatly really pisses me off. You would think that with all the technology these days, people would know more. But they don't so you are out of luck.

Another reason people argue against taking the test is the fact that a typical follow-up test to a positive AFP test is amniocentesis which can carry up to a 2% rate of fetal loss. Some opponents to the test argue that they would not do the amniocentesis test anyways, so why worry with the first test.

Here's what you need to know noodads:

This test is optional. But talking about it, is not. When your pregnant wife wants to talk about it with you, you better give it a thought. Because no reaction to this issue makes it seem like you don't give a damn. Believe me, you do. There is no wrong answer to this answer. It is only what you and your wife want to do.

Now that the sugar high is gone what is there to do to keep your kids entertained? Try these ideas to keep your kids entertained in those tween weeks between holidays.

Family Raking
Kids do not know the difference between feeling accomplished in doing a task and being used as an unpaid slave. You need to get those leaves off the ground anyways—why not get some child labor help in the process? First, get them totally hyped by letting them jump into the leaf pile. Then make a contest on who can fill a bag of leaves the quickest. The reality, is they won't really impact your workload, but you will be able to spend time with them all day.

{mosnooad}Pine Cone Family
If you have a big collection of pine cones in your yard, you can create a nice seasonal mantle piece or window display with your kids. Collect pine cones and assign different sizes to each member of your family. Each member of your family then decorates their pine cone counterpart with yarn, buttons, paint, and glue. Then take a piece of wood (a 2X4 would work) and fire extra long nails from the bottom through the top. The nails should poke out from the wood perpendicular from the plane. Skewer the pine cone family with the nails and voila! You now have a pine cone family that you created together.

Make Thank You Cards
You know your kids will get presents from family and friends. Why not use this downtime to create homemade thank you cards in advance? Handmade cards from kids can be a very meaningful thing to receive as a giver of gifts. Get some inexpensive card envelopes from the store (check the clearance aisle. Sometimes it is cheaper to buy clearance cards and only use the envelopes than to buy new envelopes outright.) Then cut construction paper to size and outfit your kids with markers, crayons, stickers, and rubber stamps. Have them cover the paper with their designs. Now cut smaller size plain paper and glue those on top so that the decorated border is still visible. That is the space your kid will use for the message. Store in a safe place and wait for Christmas morning. Now that these are taken care of, you won't need to be bothered when you play your new PS3.

Football Watching
I cannot stress enough the importance of brainwashing your kids at an early age to watch football. It doesn't matter if it is college or the NFL, kids should associate the smell of fall with the taste of buffalo wings and the sounds of John Madden. Failure in this task will result in them growing up not being as obsessed with this great sport as you and I. And with at least 2 games on Saturday and 3 games on Sunday, it is an activity that does not require good weather or long term commitments.

Leaf Collecting
Before you slave drive your kids into bagging all the leaves, make sure you take some time to choose some nice ones and create a leaf book with them. They will probably love the act of gluing them more than the act of looking at them but it will give you an opportunity to teach them about the trees in your yard and nature in general. Personal Note: This nature thing is not really my deal but I hear some people find it actually enjoyable.

With these activities, your kids can be entertained for hours during these autumn weeks. Anyone else have any good activities for the kids?

First we need to clear away any baggage you may be brining to the table. Caring about looking good for school pictures is not vain. Nor is it for just the female set. Although you may be taking poodad loads of pics of your kids, the school picture is THE picture that marks the year. It is THE picture that will serve as a visual bookmark for the grade. They may not really care when they are young, but they will definitely care when they get older. Dropping the ball should not be an option.

Here are some tips for the big day:

CLOTHING
Don't be the guy that lets their kid wear a t-shir to the class picture. There always seems to be one in every class. Unfortunately, even if you don't know the kid or the parents, you take them down a notch in the sophistication scale when you see the picture. For you dads of school age kids, it could have been a case of your kid not bringing home the paperwork. But if your kid is at preschool and you personally go into their class with them every day, you really do not have any excuse.

{mosnooad}Some people are under the belief that if the kid wants to wear their little league uniform for picture day, they should. These are the same kids who grow up and get married in a cutoff flannel shirt and cutoff jeans.

You should avoid clothing with words, faces, and obnoxious colors and patterns. In a sea of properly dressed classmates, you don't want your kid looking like Nick Nolte's mugshot. Teach your kids at an early age that these days, you wear something nice.

PICTURE PACKAGES
Your kid will need to bring payment during picture day. Make sure you don't forget! Noodad.com is going to be boycotted by school photographers for the following statement, but my allegiance is to you, the faithful reader so here goes:

Only buy the 8X10 print. It will cost you like $10 bucks and once you get it, scan it and reprint in wallet sizes on your photo printer. It is a little more legwork on your end, but the savings can be significant. My wife and I have been doing this for years and we estimate we save about $60 per picture day because of it. (We have a lot of relatives who all "Have to" have a pic)

SAY CHEESE
It is ok to want your kid to smile for the camera. But it isn't ok to demand that they do. In the end, you know, your kid is going to do whatever they want to do. But if they do typically smile for cameras, teach them to do a real smile instead of a fake one. A good way to do this is to tell them a funny story or have them imagine a funny image when they are posing. The grosser and the more outrageous, the better.

I told my daughter about a clown on rollerskates that had applesauce on his head. She found that hilarious and when you remind her of it, she legitimately smiles. Obviously, tailor your funny image to the funny bones of your kids. Typically that means boys skew towards bodily functions and potty humor, for instance.

Follow these steps, noodads, and you will have a great picture (at a great price) that you and your family will enjoy and your kids will not kill you over. Good luck.

1. Every piece is a masterpiece
Your kid will be very happy to show you their great creation. Treat it like it is the most amazing thing in the world and your kid should go to Italy to become a master artist. Anything less might discourage your kid from creating more stuff and visual exploration has been shown to stimulate the imagination and improve things like memory, dexterity, and learning.

2. Screw the Rain Forests
For those who are tightwads about conservation, now is not the time to be worrying about the rain forest. Frequently kids will go through a ton of materials and although it may seem silly to consider one errant orange crayon mark on a 9" X 12" piece of construction paper as a work of art, it s best that you don't use this as a lesson to teach "being green." First off, they won't understand, nor care. Secondly, would you tell Jackson Pollock he wasted paint?

3. You Can't Keep Everything
You may be put in a situation where your kid or even worse, someone else's kid gives you a stack of 20 paintings. What are you to do? Accept the gift and then purge the majority of them after they go to bed. You can't keep everything nor should you. WHen your kids get older, they will not want to look at filing cabinets full of similar smudges of paint on paper.

{mosnooad}4. Use the Holding Station Method
Having trouble figuring out what to keep and what to throw out? Use the holding station method. This means when your kids create things you dump them in a bin. At the end of the month, go through all the pieces and the ones you remember keep. The others trash. By giving it some time, you can test yourself on which pieces truly made an impact.

5. Avoid Too Many Coloring Books
It is ok to have some coloring books in the house but for the most part it is best to stick with plain pieces of paper. Coloring books may be fun to color but in the end they just teach kids to follow the rules. What would you rather have: A kid that can color in the lines of Mickey Mouse's head? Or a kid that from memory draws for you what they think Mickey Mouse's head looks like? I'm not saying eliminate them altogether but don't forget the power of creativity.

6. Details!
Sometimes how your kid describes the piece is more precious than the art itself. Don't forget. Write it down. On the back, you should write the kid's name, age, and what they called the piece or what the art was of. This causes confusion down the line when you can't remember whether your son or daughter created the artwork or what the heck that thing that looks like a broccoli head meant.

7. Display the Goods
The refrigerator is a great place to display the work for a reason. It is not permanent, and it is visible by the kids and visitors alike. But what if you have a Stainless fridge that isn't magnetized or you just don't like clutter in your kitchen? You can display your kid's artwork with frames, scrapbooks, or bulletin boards.

8. Bring Them to Work
In my office, you can tell who has kids and who doesn't. Every person who has kids have colorful blobs of paint on a piece of paper hanging up in their office. My daughter frequently says to me as she gives me a new masterpiece, "Daddy. Bring this to work and show your friends." She feels proud of her art and loves the feeling of knowing people I know are seeing it too.

9. Containers and Bags
The best way to store artwork is in airtight tupperware tub containers. This will keep moisture out and will preserve the pieces for a long time. It is also recommended you keep a separate bin for each kid to avoid confusion. When dealing with pieces that have stuff like glitter, confetti, or other small pieces glued on, you should invest in some gallon-sized ziplock bags to keep all the goodness in and not onto the other pieces.

10. Other People Don't Care
You may think your kid is the second coming of Michelangelo but trust me, no one else will. These things are special to only you and your wife and possibly grandparents. Don't expect other people to care. To them, it is just another kid drawing that looks like scribbles.

11. Create With Them
I wanted to do 10 important things but I just couldn't leave this one off the list. Create art with your kids. It is a great time to do something constructive while learning a lot about what their imaginations hold. It doesn't matter if you can't draw. Odds are, they can't either.

Good luck noodads.

Gong Fudad, the household’s largest supplier of father
related goods and services, reported net bedtimes of 7:45, netting 15 minutes
below expected bedtime, or 2 minutes per share, compared with a loss of 10
minutes the night before.  Gong Fu Dad
also reported later than expected work nights and a reduced overall quality
time with the kids  resulting in a lower
overall consumer confidence rating and causing investors and kids to look
elsewhere for parenting services.  Super
Mom Inc (SMOM) stocks were up +5.00 on the news.

Kids go through phases. Sometimes they prefer you and
sometimes your wife.   Kids can be fickle,
just like Wall Street.  On Wall Street
it’s earnings, competition, interest rates, product quality and P/E ratios. On Doll Street or Ball Street it’s bedtimes, snacks, toys, activities and timeout ratios.  Your kids take all of these variables into
account and though they probably cannot explain their little subconscious
reasoning, they gravitate toward one parent or the other.  Now your stock may still be a strong
investment as a stock, but your wife’s may be experiencing ridiculous growth
because she has been taking the kids on cool trips (+.84), feeding them their
favorite foods (+.45) and because they’ve been on very good behavior and
generally easy to get along with, they have not been sent to timeout (+.35).  She is probably rewarding them often for
their good behavior (+.22) resulting in a very strong stock. 

You can also perform well on one market and not the other.  If your stock is high on Ball Street because you have been playing trains with your son(+.75) or playing catch with him in the yard (+1.00) every night and your daughter is not into that, you can experience long term gains on Doll Street by participating in a tea party (+2.00) or playing dress-up (+3.25). The more you take these opportunities seriously and the more regularly you participate in them, the more likely your stock is going to be a long term winner.  Remember also that discipline is also helpful for a stock. Not disciplining your kids will result in long term losses. Just be careful not to overdiscipline with excessive force. That is a long term loser as well.

When you’re working late (-.40), working at home and ignoring them (-1.10),
short with the kids from work stress (-2.00) or you hang out with the guys
instead of with them (-3.25) your stock is going to plummet.  The good news is that the market is usually pretty
forgiving and you can turn around your performance by putting in a little extra
time with them.  This does not mean that
you need to artificially inflate your value with candy, soda and buying them
toys. These have short term affects on your stock, but I can assure you that
spending time with your kids will result in steady long term gains. Good luck
in the market noodads!

PERINEUM
Noodad Definition: To put it bluntly, it is the skin between the vagina and the rectum.
Why You Need To Know It: Because it is the part of the mother"s body that can tear during vaginal childbirth, because massaging that area prior to birth can help with the tearing, and because I"m sure you would like any excuse to massage that area.

BLOODY SHOW
Noodad Definition: This does not refer to the latest Wes Craven movie. This is the term for a small amount of vaginal bleeding that typically precedes labor.
Why You Need To Know It: Because it is scary as hell and you need to not freak out when it happens.

HOAGIE
Noodad Definition: Besides the Philadelphia area term for an italian sub sandwich, some recovery room nurses consider a "hoagie" as a stack of items used to heal the vaginal area post-birth. It typically consists of a large maxipad, ice pack, vaseline, and Tucks medicated pads held together by an adult diaper.
Why You Need To Know It: Because, if you go through a vaginal birth, your wife will need it after you go home and you may need to buy supplies. After the birth of my daughter, I was forced to go to CVS with a list that included: maxipads, vaseline, Tucks pads, and adult diapers. If I can save another one of you noodads from that awkward checkout process, I will. Do yourself a favor and have your wife buy the stuff prebirth.

MUCUS PLUG
Noodad Definition: The clear or slightly pink cork that blocks bacteria from entering the cervix.
Why You Need To Know It: Because it means, the cervix is dilating and it"s almost time for the kid to come.

DILATION
Noodad Definition: The amount the cervix has opened. When the cervix dilates to 10cm, it is called "fully dilated" and it is time to push.
Why You Need To Know It: Because the doctor will be fingering your wife and then telling you a number. You should know what that number means.

EFFACEMENT
Noodad Definition: The thinning of the cervix. You need to be 100% effaced and fully dilated before the pushing can start.
Why You Need To Know It: Because you could hear that doctor say that she is fully dilated and you need to know to ask about the effacement before you get your hopes up about pushing.

EPISIOTOMY
Noodad Definition: An incision made to the perineum during vaginal childbirth. This is done to prevent tearing of the area.
Why You Need To Know It: The doctor may take a knife to the last area of her body you want to see a knife. Pretty self-explanatory.

Good luck noodads. You more experienced guys, please add to the list by posting comments below.

Of course you can go to restaurants, but, like anything else with your bundles of pure chaos, it requires careful planning.

Agree to split the duties – Even though your wife, girlfriend or life partner makes taking care of the offspring look as easy as drinking a beer, it is probably causing her some internal strain. Inside, she is feeling pressure to eat and get out before the kids decide to ransack the joint with their special noise cluster bombs.  Make sure you take responsibility for some part of the meal.  Feed them, get them their crayons and color with them, feed them, supervise them, feed them, get them their sippy cup, feed them… By now you should see where you can score the most points.

Pick a family friendly restaurant. – Face it, you’re not going to The Maisonette or L’Espalier unless your last name is Pitt and you can afford to fence the whole place off.  Louder restaurants work in your favor.  It also helps to get to know the owner and the staff.  Be very nice to them and tip a little extra if your little one makes a large mess.  I can not count the number of times my 1 year old has decided to coat the floor at our favorite Korean place with rice.  Sure, I clean up some of it, but sticky rice on the floor seems to repel their power.

Poodad – Know your exits in the event of a poodad.  If there is no changing table, excuse yourself to the car to change them. Also consider doing this if the restroom is near any tables.  Remember, all poodad in restaurants is considered an emergency. In a restaurant, there is no difference between one of those little pinball sized easy cleaners and a full-on, running-up-their-back, coming-through-their-onesie, head-for-the-hills, code red, mud bath poodad.  The worst thing you can do is ruin another person’s dining experience with your kid’s dirty business.

Always get your kids settled before doing anything. Once I went to dim sum with my family and a couple of friends.  Dim sum is great for kids because it’s usually really loud and there is a lot of variety (Just make sure they don’t have any allergies before going, You don’t always know what you’re eating. This is part of the fun.) Anyway, the carts were coming fast and furious and I didn’t want to miss out on any of the hot, steamed buns. They seem to only come around once per dim sum experience no matter how long I stay.  I started ordering before I got the two kids fully situated, leaving the lion’s share of the work for my wife.  She was pretty good about it, but it really put a lot of stress on her because she wasn’t felling that great and I had promised that I would help with the kids.  I lost points that day.

Have a conversation with them first. – If your kid is over 2, let them know your expectations several hours before you go. You don’t need to be stern, just talk to them. The top two are: We don’t get out of our seat. We use our inside voices. Then, when they inevitably try one of the two, you just repeat yourself in a very serious, but gentle voice.  Soon, the kids will be telling you what they’re supposed to be doing.  Also, tell them that you are going someplace special to eat and that they will have things to do. Tell them what they will eat. Preparing your little camper in advance for experiences takes a lot of the stress out of the situation for them.  They will think it is cool and even if they do not fully understand you, this is part of their restaurant training. Remember, it’s about routine. They love that.

Go early – You need to get them to bed by ~7:30-8 anyway, so do yourself a favor and get there before the rush.  I’m not saying to dine with the seniors at 4:30, but going early means parking is easier, waiting for a table is non-existent, and the food will come out faster.

The diaper bag – Don’t forget it. Prepare for anything.

Diversions, diversions, diversions – You need to pack a bag of toys and activities.  Nothing loud. Crayons and coloring books, small toys they don’t see a lot and books will do the trick. Sometimes the restaurant will have kid placemats and crayons. Take advantage of this. Don’t let them color on the menu.

Bring food for them – Eating out is for you.  Prepare things they like to take with you in small containers.  Bring little snacks like wagon wheels and, for angelic behavior or dire situations, lollipops for the ~3 and up crowd. Noodad also recommends those placemats that stick to the table.  A plate looks just like a discus to the 2 and under crowd.

Watch them around the hot stuff – The waitperson isn’t always looking out for your little buckaroo.  They have no idea that they have the reach of Inspector Gadget, so be prepared for inappropriate food, glass or utensil placement.

Timing – You probably do not have more than an hour to get in, eat and get out.  If you stay longer and your kid starts to melt down, it is probably your fault.

fOodad sez “enjoy your night out!”

Calling it the Terrible two slash threes, just didn”t roll off the tongue. So the good people who name these things must have decided, given the choice, to warn people at the earliest possible time. Thus the name, Terrible 2.

Millions of people look forward to their kid”s 3rd birthday hoping, that as they blow out the candles on their cake, out goes the demons that took over their 2 year old bodies. That just doesn”t happen. The tantrums continue, the different ways your child can contradict you grows, and the Time Outs increase.

When my daughter turned three, I felt like I lost my excuse for her behavior. She wasn”t 2 anymore so clearly it couldn”t be the terrible 2s! I was wrong. Noodads, you just need to know that even though your kids have grown older, and their vocabulary has grown larger, their behavior has not grown as quickly. So don”t just think your kid is a brat. Your kid is just figuring out what it means to be mobile, how to deal with being able to communicate, and how to deal with feelings.

So how do you solve it? You don”t. You stay consistent in your methods of discipline. You clearly communicate results of their bad behavior and you follow through with the punishment. Remember, you have as much experience with tantrums as your child does. For every time your kid throws one, you have dealt with it. Just stay the course.

Good luck Noodads.

Good Cop/Bad Cop is the name for when one person yells, threatens, and berates a subject, and then their teammate plays nice and tries to appear compassionate. Eventually, the suspect will give in to one of the approaches (each appearing extreme in contrast with one another) and the task is completed.

Good Cop/Bad Cop makes for some very interesting drama. And no doubt.in some cases, it work in law enforcement. Well, noodads, it also works in parenting and disciplining your kids.

Frequently, the time will come when your kid does something…I dunno, makes  herself throw up because she doesn't want to eat her vegetables (true story) and action needs to be taken. That action needs to be done swiftly and sternly. But if you pull out the Good Cop/Bad Cop move, who should be who? You or your wife?

{mosnooad}It is not in your best interest to assign permanent roles for you and your wife. In this scenario, one of you will always be the bad cop and that will not be fair. The fear that the bad cop will lose favor over time by your kids is a real one. Don't fall into the trap.

A discussion should be had (preferably before the Terrible Twos Stage) about how to deal with self-regurgitating toddlers and other acts of insubordination.

When it comes to our kids, my wife and I have learned to go with the flow. In some situations, I will jump up and immediately shift into Bad Cop role and, sensing this, my wife will then follow up with the good cop role. We stay in these roles until a time out is served, a mess is cleaned up, an apology is made, etc. So what happens after that? Let Noodad be your guide.

First Offense:
It's a toss up. You or your wife should assume a role and the other should go along with the other role. If you pull the Good Cop card then you are Good Cop until the incident is resolved to you and your partner's satisfaction.

Second Offense (Same Incident):
This is when your kid, after gaining back favor for the first offense, goes back and does the same thing again soon thereafter. Resume previously determined GC/BC roles.

Second Offense (Different Incident):
This is when your kid, after gaining favor for the first offense, goes and does something different, but equally offensive. It's a toss up: feel free to change roles.

Second Offense (Same Incident within 3 days):
This is when your kid, after gaining back favor for the first offense, goes back and does the same thing again within 3 days of the first offense. Resume previously determined GC/BC roles of first offense and use words like, "Sweetie, like I told you yesterday, this is unacceptable!"

Second Offense (Same Incident after 3 days):
This is when your kid, after gaining back favor for the first offense, goes back and does the same thing again after 3 days of the first offense. It's a toss up: feel free to change roles.

Isn't role playing fun? The most important thing to remember, noodads, is stay consistent within the incident. If you initially come down hard on the poor kid and then change your tune with hugs and kisses before the incident is resolved, they will walk all over your inconsistent pansy ass for the rest of your life.

Once the incident is resolved, you should make sure they understand it is their actions not them as your kid that makes you mad. This is especially true when you pack your angry eyes for that particular incident.

Good luck noodads.