10 Great Ways to Lower Your Sperm Count
Posted on 07 16, 2008 under The Manual by Noodad | Comments
With 3 kids under the age of 6 I am ready to call it quits and cap my family size at 5. Based on past performance, my wife and I are a pretty fertile bunch. And although I feel incredibly fortunate to have such virility, it can be really scary. I don’t need a 4th set of butt cheeks to wipe. Or a 4th mouth to feed. I don’t need another tour of duty with no sleep and no alone time. I’m done with kids and I don’t want any surprises. But maybe I am a little afraid of the ol’ snip snip. Or maybe I just want to do this thing slow. I don’t necessarily want to nuke all my soldiers at once. Or blow up the bridge over the River Kwai.
So what’s a dude to do? I started researching some ways to lower my sperm count. Although not fool-proof I figure if I do a little everyday, it will only help my cause. For you guys who don’t have your kids yet and want to help your chances, you may want to read this list so you know what not to do.
So now, noodads, I present to you 10 Great Ways to Lower Your Sperm Count.
10. Soak in a Hot Tub
You worked hard all day! After you put the kids to bed, soak yourself in a super hot bath or hot tub. When your testicles are exposed to repeat overheating, you will lower your sperm count.
9. Roll a Fat Blunt
Heavy marijuana use can lead to up to a 50% reduction in sperm count. Plus, studies have shown that marijuana use can impair the ability for sperm to swim properly or to bust through that egg. Maybe if it had to fertilize a bag of Cheetos we would be ok.
8. Lay off the vitamins
Who needs vitamin C, selenium, zinc, or folate when you can live an unhealthier life and a lower sperm count to boot. Specific things to stay away from are green leafy vegetables, fruit, and basically every thing else your parents conditioned you to believe were beneficial.
7. Skip the Gym
Fat people have better luck of limiting their sperm count. The more obese the better. So next time, go for the triple cheeseburger and load your coffee with extra sugar: your future self without more kids will thank you for it.
6. Don’t walk, bike.
Bicycle riding has been known to reduce sperm counts as well. Basically it’s because the bike seat has repeated collisions with your scrotum, the blood vessels that help you get erections, and the perineum. So if you like the great outdoors, ride your bike and pound the hell out of your scrotum. Just eat a bag of pork rinds in between rides (see #7)
5. Work with chemicals
You may need to change jobs and find one that deals with pesticides and other chemicals. Make sure you take great care in finding places where you can expose yourself to oxygen-free radicals, estrogen emulation pesticidal chemicals, plastic softening chemicals, and hydrocarbons. Bonus points if this job allows you to work with these chemicals naked.
4. Keep that laptop on your lap
Work the way computer makers intended! They aren’t called laptops for nothing. So what are you doing working with those puppies on a desk? Plop that supercomputer on your lap and give your crotch the overexposure it craves.
3. Take off the x-ray blanket
Next time you get your dental x-rays tell the dental hygentist to forget the heavy blanket. That thing feels unnatural anyway. Cells exposed to radiation like that can take up to 2 years to get back to normal, if at all.
2. Become a Marlboro Man
Smoking cigarettes have been known to reduce sperm count and sex drive. So what are you waiting for? Go to the local wholesale club, buy a carton or 2 and light up. As a bonus, your wife won’t want to get near you and you’ll smell like crap! What could be better?
1. Switch to Tightie Whities
Let’s face it, tightie whities haven’t been in since…never. So now is the time to bring them into style. Boxer briefs? Boxer shorts? Come on! Just because most women say those are more attractive doesn’t mean you should wear them! Tight underwear has been known to reduce sperm count. So go and buy them 2 sizes too small and watch your sperm count plummet to a healthy zero.
Take this advice noodads and lower your sperm count today! Good luck!
Add New Comment
Viewing 12 Comments
Thanks. Your comment is awaiting approval by a moderator.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Add New Comment
Trackbacks
(Trackback URL)
July 19, 2008 at 12:00 am
[...] names since 2006,” and his sense of humor is evident as soon as you look at his post titles ...