10 Things to Remember When Telling Your Preschooler Where Babies Come From

Telling kids about the birds and the bees is a tough subject to talk about. My daughter became very curious about this topic and started asking my wife a lot of questions.
When talking to your kid about how babies are made, a little pre-planning goes a long way. Here are a ten things to remember when telling your preschooler about where babies come from. These will help you plan your attack err… defense!

1. They are going to be shocked.

When my wife told my 4 year old daughter that a baby comes out of the woman's vagina, her exact reaction was "WHOA!". She thought they just did a whole lot of wiggling and busted its way right through the woman's belly. Apparently she has seen an egg hatch.

2. Do not give them more information than they asked for.

If your kid asks "how does the baby get out" then explain just that. You do not need to go into a full blow discussion of how the baby got IN there at this time. If they want to know how the baby got there, explain that. But be prepared for them to ask how babies are made as a follow up. Another popular question for daughters is, is this going to happen to me?!?! NOW!?

3. Plan ahead.

Be ready for more questions. Do not answer them on the spot. This is an important topic and you want to run through the possible questioning and outcomes before you divulge this information.

4. Have a resource.

They say a picture is worth one thousand words. Well, you may not have a thousand on this topic. Use a KIDS book about where babies come from as a diagram for your preschooler. I recommend It's Not the Stork. It had the materials in the style of say Arthur or Berenstein Bears, but in a more R-rated format. Do not leave them unattended with the book. Always make sure you are there to guide the discussion.

5. Do not lie to them.

This isn't 1986, Neither Larry Bird nor the stork is walking through that door! This crap is an insult to your kid's intelligence. When your kid finds out or you tell your kid the truth, they will wonder what else you have been withholding from them. And no, this is not like not telling them that you are Santa Clause. You may, however, tell them that they are not ready to know, even if it is that you are just not ready to tell them.

6. Decide first if they are really ready to hear it.

Know your kid! Tell them only what you are certain they can handle. You can scar them for a while with too much information.

7. Keep it PG (parental guidance) rated.

You do not need to pull out Our Babies Ourselves or some highly graphic representation of child birth. They will be as shocked by this as they would from seeing Cain from Total Recall. I'm still weirded out by that puppet thing living in the dude's chest. HOW THE $@()% DID THAT GET THERE? Oh and showing the scene from Alien might be amusing to you, but I do not care how many times the kid pissed on you when you were changing them, revenge is not appropriate.

8. Follow up with another topic.

Your preschooler has a very active imagination, but they are also easily diverted. Especially if they seem particularly shocked, follow up the conversation with a story about one of their favorite topics. This should leave that as the last thing they are thinking about and can probably diffuse a little bit of the shock.

9. Use the proper terms.

Nothing worse than a kid who calls his wang a "tinkle-binkle-thing".

10. Remind them that their bodies are private.

This is a good time to teach them that their pieces and parts are nobody's business but their own. Tell them that their penises and vaginas should only be touched by themselves, their mommies or daddies (to clean them up) and Dr Theirpediatriciansname to examine it. If anyone else tries to do that, they should tell that person very very loudly "NO!" and then tell mommy, daddy or a grownup that they trust like a teacher. My daughter thought if anyone did this, it would be her little brother. Not exactly what we had in mind, but hopefully she will NEVER find out what we had in mind.

A lot of rules for you to f$%( up noodads! Good luck and please do share your wacky experiences on this topic below.