Confessions of a Father with OCD

Obsessive compulsive disorder is thrown around these days like ADD. Everyone seems to have various degrees of it. I am admittedly throwing this term around the same way as I have never been officially diagnosed but everyone who knows me, knows I have some form of it. In a nutshell, my mind cannot be clear without a house in order. No, I do not wash my hands 30 times in a row (I do wash them once an hour). I don’t lock and unlock my door a certain number of times each night but I do frequently have to wake up in the middle of the night to double check it is locked and that does frequently result in unlocking it and then locking it again.

The biggest thing for me is I cannot stand clutter. Let me try to explain the distinction though between not liking clutter and not liking dirt. I can live with literally a pile of dust on the floor but if the mail on the kitchen counter is not in a perfect pile parallel to the edge of the counter, my head feels like it is about to explode. Don’t get me wrong, dirt bugs me too, just not as much. But it is an out of sight, out of mind situation. If you look through my closets and drawers you will find a dumpster but I will be damned if the counters aren’t orderly. Likewise underneath my toilet may look like Dagobah but the top of the seat is as buffed as vader’s helmet.

I don’t like things on the floor, unless they are also parallel or perpendicular to the edge of the room. My wife moved the couch in our living room to jut out of the wall at an angle: every day I force myself to not move it back. Every day it gives me a headache.

So that’s why when i sat down to think about the 10 kids things that aggravate my OCD, I had no problem. Enjoy:

1. Sand
Kids love sand. But as the saying goes, sand finds cracks you never knew you had. It also sticks in shoes, carpets, sweaty feet, and all over the body. I loathe sand.

2. Glitter
Glitter is the manmade version of sand. It sticks everywhere and teachers love to let kids coat all of their projects in it like they are Shake N Baking a pork chop. Glitter also always ends up coating faces and is so damn light you can’t easily pick it up. Glitter is not fairy dust! It is the work of the Devil.

3. Balloons
What makes these inflated nuisances a problem is the fact that despite how inflated or deflated they are, your kids will still love them.

4. Polly Pocket
I know! Let’s make little plastic girls with even littler plastic shoes. Then, let’s sell them in a plastic containers that barely last the trip home from the toy store.

5. Powdered Donuts
There just isn’t a way to eat a powdered donut without getting it all over your face. And that is adults. Kids don’t have the luxury of being able to shove the whole thing in their mouths or using just 2 fingers when holding it.

6. Small Stickers
Small stickers always manage to end up stuck on things you don’t want them stuck on. Stuck on the hardwood floor, the carseat, your forehead. They serve one purpose: to create an eye nuisance.

7. Pebbles
What is it with kids and pebbles. Every time I clear out the dryer vent, I find a handful of pebbles bouncing around in the dryer. Apparently, my daughter likes to grab “rocks” and put them in her pocket. of course, no one (including me) thinks to check inside the pockets of your kids!

8. Puzzle Pieces
Multiple pieces that are flat enough to hide under couches and refrigerators. What aggravates my OCD with puzzle pieces is not the piece itself, it is trying to complete the puzzle with one piece missing. That could bug me for weeks.

9. PlayDoh
Moist Play DOh is fine. But the toys that come with PlayDoh sets are not designed to keep the clay moist. It is designed to trap little bits of PlayDoh in its crevices so that they produce vibrantly-colored crumbs all over the floor and you need to buy more PlayDoh. Brilliant on their part. PITA for me.

10. Rice Krispies
Kids just can’t balance tiny, light pieces of rice crisps on a spoon. Which means for every 5 krispies that makes their mouth, 25 hit the floor. It’s enough to make me snap, krackle, and pop.

I know what you are saying to yourself. “God, this guy must be a total bore and a pain to his kids. Let the kids play for god’s sakes!” You are right. If I was a single parent my kids would not have a childhood. But that’s why it is good that I have a wife that isn’t like me. She let’s them paint, play with PlayDoh, roll around in glitter and stick stickers all over powdered donuts. I never said I enjoyed my OCD tendencies. Is anyone else like me?