Doing The Right Thing

As Crosby Stills & Nash implored, teach your children
well. Some of the most important lessons you can teach your kid revolve
around how to act in public. Fortunately, with the increasing lack of
basic civility among us, every trip to Home Depot, the grocery store,
or anywhere else Joe Public converges provides you with a perfect
classroom for these lessons.

On a recent trip to the grocery
store around Mother’s Day, my boys and I encountered a charming woman
near the expanded flower shop area. While passing by an aisle narrowed
by an additional row of display tables filled with last-minute-gifts,
the basket the woman carried hit a small potted plant and it smashed to
the ground. She had two kids with her, probably somewhere between 11
and 14 years old. “JEE-ZUZ CHRIST!” she yelped. “You break it, you buy
it!” laughed one of the kids.

Any guesses as to what she did next? Tell an employee so no one
would slip on the spill? Grab a manager and apologize for the accident?
“X” (accompanied by Family Feud Survey Says buzzer sound). She just
muttered, “Yeah, right!” and kept on going. Nice example, lady.

I asked my 5-year-old what he thought she should have done. “Clean it up,” he said. Bravo, First Born. Bravo.

As a work-at-home dad I’m constantly running errands with the kids and
I see stuff like this all the time. A couple of days after Plant
Smashing Lady, we saw another fantastic display in a Toys R Us parking
lot. A perfectly able-bodied woman rolled her shopping cart up to her
SUV, put her kid in the seat, and loaded her cargo. So? Well, she was
in a handicapped spot, and she left her shopping cart in the
handicapped spot next to her. To complete the trifecta, this miscreant
got in, closed the door, opened a bottle of water, and then took the
time to open the car door and toss the cap under her car before driving
off. Thanks for the lessons Littering, Handicapped-Spot-Parking,
No-Cart-Returning Lady!

Here’s a list of some common social
rules you can abide by to show your kids that, even as a grownup, you
follow the rules, too:

1. School Parking and
Pick-up Drop-Off Procedures: I am an absolute hard-line conformist,
tight-ass on this one. When your kid starts going to preschool or any
new school thereafter, you will likely be provided with instructions on
where you can and can’t park, and where to bring your kid. So many
parents ignore these rules. Besides giving off a plain old
I-don’t-give-a-shit-the-rules-don’t-apply-to-me vibe, you’re making it
hazardous for everyone else. Your kid just spent the day trying to
figure out why the entire class had to stand in a straight line before
proceeding down the hall to music class; and you pull up in the bus
lane and park next to a fire hydrant because “you’re just going to be a
second”. So is everyone else if you do what the school asks. Don’t make
your kid’s school’s pick-up/drop-off a clusterf***.

2. Pay for Everything: If you’re at the grocery store and want to give
your kid some hush food, make sure it is something that you’ll pay for
at checkout. Give your kid some crackers or something else sold in a
package instead of grapes or a banana. If you accidentally leave a
store without paying for something, even if it is a crappy little
plastic widget from Target’s One Spot, get your ass back in the store
and pay for it. It’s called “stealing” if you don’t.

3. Put the Cart Back: Stores provide parking spots for the carts when
you’re done with them. Use them. If you can’t walk an extra twenty feet
to put the cart back, then your kid should give you the finger the next
time you tell him to put his Game Boy back in his room. I actually saw
a woman look to her right at the cart parking area a mere two spaces
away; and then to her left where one space stood between her and a
little curbed grassy area. I watched her opt for the shorter walk and
then struggle to pop a wheelie so the front wheels would be on the
grass and the cart wouldn’t roll away instead of walking an extra eight
feet. Don’t let this be you.

4. Don’t
Drive Like a Dick: If you’re by yourself in the car and feel like
driving like Sly Stallone in Death Race 2000, knock yourself out. If
you’ve got kids in the car, drive like your hauling a tanker of
nitroglycerin: very carefully. Don’t get all bent if you get cut off.
If you’re out there swearing at people and flipping birds left and
right, don’t be surprised to see your kid do the same if someone steps
in front of him in the line for the slide at the playground.

5. Sit in the Seat For Which You Paid: Ortiz is staring down Randy
Johnson with a 3-1 count and Youkilis is on second in the bottom of the
first. He crushes the inside fastball into Section 34 in straight away
center field for a 2-0 lead over the Yankees. But you missed it all
because some anus and his kids with bleacher seat tickets were being
ousted from the grandstand by an usher in the row in front of you when
the real seat holders showed up for the game. If you want your kid to
experience the lower boxes at Fenway or if you want them to sit close
enough to be drenched with Wiggles’ sweat, shell out the money for
those seats. Don’t screw up The Incredibles on Ice, Dora’s Pirate
Adventure, or an NHL game for everyone else by trying to sneak into a
better seat.

These things may seem petty
and small, but kids have elephantine memories when it comes to
minutiae. They can’t remember to put a dish in the sink or flush a
toilet, but they’ll somehow remember that time you were served a large
iced coffee after ordering a medium, and not only didn’t mention it to
the chap in the Dunkin’ Donuts visor, but fist-pumped and yelled “So
long sucker!” as you pulled away from the drive thru window. So, when
you’re out with your kids in the Big, Big World (not the one with that
stoned sloth Snook on PBS, the real one), just remember Spike Lee’s
titular line and show your kids how to Do The Right Thing.