Getting Back to Work

Ok. So the baby finally came but money doesn"t grow on trees and you need to go back to work and support the darn thing. First off if you are lucky enough to have had paid paternity leave, kudos for milking the ol" short term disability angle. Coming back to work is normally exciting and stressful at the same time. You missed 1-2 weeks and you have a deluge of emails and voicemails waiting for you. So how do you get back to work and actually do work? First you need to understand the mentality of the people at work.You know when you come back from vacation everyone wants to know how you are doing and whether you took pictures? Well multiply that by 50.

First off instead of people checking to see if you got a tan they will be asking if you have gotten any sleep. Word of advice: The answer is ALWAYS "No. I have not gotten any sleep." The reason is even if you think you are going to get the same amount, there is no way in hell you will. And it makes it seem like you are leaving all the duties of the new baby to the mother. Another no-no. Plus, should you slip and suck at your job, it buys you a few months of not being totally sharp.

Secondly, they will ask if you have pictures. Make sure you do and plenty of them. One will not do. Paste every picture that you can get your hands on of the kid outside your office or cubicle. That way people can huddle around the outside not the inside. That"s the only way you are going to get back to normal.

Finally. Remember details. Study like its the friggin bar exam. You must know: Weight, height, full name, date of birth, and one funny anecdote at the bare minimum. The leeches will ask and you need to provide details. By funny anecdote I mean something like, "It was so cute, when [Insert child"s name here] came out, he looked at me and I swear he winked at me."

Special notes: The spectacle is your kid not you. But your co-workers will try to bring the topic back around to you by saying that the kid looks more like you or looks more like the mother. Even if you disagree, just go with it man. You know your kid got their good looks from you but these people are too caught up in the "ooh a baby!" moment that they can"t see correctly.

Good luck bud. Knock"em dead.