How to Check Email With a Kid on Your Lap

Posted on 05 09, 2009 under The Manual by Noodad | Comments

There is a small window of time in your kid"s young life when they are too young to play by themselves and too old to just sit on your lap. Their need for total attention coupled with their inability to quietly sit on the floor next to you can create headaches. This situation rears its ugly head at the worst times: when you are trying to watch the NFL Draft, when you are sitting at a Yanni concert, or when you are trying to check your email.

Email does not mean anything to a kid. All they see is another reason why you aren"t giving them 100% eyeball time. I mean, how, at their ripe age of 3 months, could they possibly care about making their penis bigger or helping out some widow from the Congo? My son frequently quits out of my mail program, damages keys, and types a whole bunch of "egbfhyhegbfuyeo" in my emails. This, to say the least, is unproductive.

 

The solution to this problem is simple and very easy to master! Here"s what you do:

STOP CHECKING EMAIL WHEN YOU ARE WITH YOUR KID!

Your kid will appreciate the undivided attention and your SPAM could probably wait a few hours.

Ok. I know you are saying out loud, "Noodad, you are a resourceful guy. Surely, you can come up with a way to pull off this feat of David Blainian proportions. Surely you can help me in my struggle to check email and keep my kid entertained." Well fellas, I am proud to bring to you, "The Method."

This solution requires a combination of flexibility, balance, and sheer will to achieve email nirvana. I have slowly perfected this method over many hours of trial and error. Here"s what you will need (besides, of course, the aforementioned flexibility, balance, and sheer will):

• Kid
• Laptop
• Metal Coat Hanger
• Stuffed toy or rattle

It"s as easy as 1-2-3-4!
Step 1: Straighten out the metal hanger and hang the stuffed toy or rattle to the end of it. Take the non-toy end and tuck it into the back of your pants. It is important that your pants are tight enough to keep the hanger snug and that you choose a toy that has high entertainment value without being to heavy or require too much movement to trigger the sound.

Step 2: The goal is to keep your kid as far from your computer as possible. Assume the Pitfall! position, (the position the Pitfall guy was in when he ran into the log) with one knee on the ground and the other in the dorky one knee up position (like in your little league picture). Balance your child on the back of your leg (the one with the knee on the ground) and slowly extend the leg out to maximize the distance.

Step 3: Shake your ass so that the toy makes a noise or dances in front of the kid. Cooing ensues.

Step 4: Check your email for as long as you can keep your kid engaged with the toy or as long as you can shake your ass. Pace yourself, you never know when you have an IQ Test to read or a Powerpoint show on "Why you don"t get a raise", to open. In time, people will compliment your toned posterior and ask you how you achieved such a ripped buttock. You can proudly explain you did it while playing with your kid.

In case you feel your body is not up to the "method" and the stress it puts on your body, I suggest buying an AbRoller, a ThighMaster, and a NordicTrak and start training!

I find myself overly consumed with work outside of the office. This is normally at the expense of time with my kids. You probably are just as guilty. Let"s do ourselves a favor and curb the email checking until after bedtime.

What do you think noodads?

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