Learning How to Describe Your Kid’s Poop

I know it's crappy, but being a dad means you have to talk about poop. Here at Noodad.com, we refer to that as "poodad". It isn't that bad, really. We are men, after all—potty humor is in our DNA (there it is between the deoxyribose and the nitrogen base).

When we were kids, poodad conversations typically evolved around teasing the kid that crapped his pants in school and had to wear a pair of green corduroys from the school nurse's emergency clothes stash, or poking a huge pile of dog poop with a stick.

Of course, finding the humor in all things brown and smelly did not go away when we got older. Instead, in college we just used it in more creative and complicated ways. We lit farts, we pulled the flaming bag of poo trick, we sometimes even saran wrapped the toilet seats.

Now that we are parents, poodad takes on a whole new meaning. You typically operate on either extreme: It comes often and without warning and that is bad. Or it doesn't come often and that is really bad. Because these little pooping machines are years away from reading the Emancipation Defecation, you and the lady are responsible.

When we are sick we know it. And so do our toilets. But when kids are sick, it gets a little more complicated. Because these bundles of joy can't talk, it is important to use the consistency of their movements to pull a Matlock and figure out what's wrong with them. That's why you need to have a system when defining your kid's poodad.

{mosnooad}Why do you need said standardization? Well, in my experience you can't get away with just saying the kid had a watery diaper, or a soft poop, or a hard poop. Your wives will ask you, and they will not be satisfied with such generalities. They need to know exactly what it was so they can determine whether your sick kid is getting better, worse, or the same. This isn't because our wives secretly like to talk about poodad, it is because your kid's pediatrician will appreciate the description. Pediatrician's tend to ask the following 3 questions when it comes to matters of the poop:

• What's the temp?
• What's the consistency?
• Is there any blood in it?

So to make things easier, I have defined some of the shades of brown that need consistency in terms we all can agree on and understand. Everyone knows what "skipping stones" look and feel like. And I'm pretty sure people will grab a pretty accurate picture when you announce that your kid peed out their ass. But it is the everything in between that needs classification.

This will get graphic fellas and you may question my mental stability after this article. But someone has to do it. Let's get started:

Chocolate Mousse
This type of poodad consistency appears to have big volume but most of it is filled with air pockets to give a "fluffed up" appearance.

Potting Soil
This type of poodad consistency is crumbly but moist. It is soft enough to sit in a pile.

Spackle
A little harder than "potting soil", this poodad is gritty, semi-hard and typically molds to the curvature of your kid's behind.

Castle and Moat
This refers to a solid piece of poodad surrounded by a watery accompaniment.

Pudding
My gut instinct would be to add Chocolate to the beginning of this title, but your kid will spew out more than just chocolate pudding. In fact, sometimes you'll get butterscotch, and caramel too. This poodad is smooth, and an even consistency. It is heavier than "mousse" and frequently, stickier.

There you have it noodads. Do any of you have any categories to add?