Surviving Public Restrooms With Your Daughter

Picture this: a 3 year old daughter, sweaty from a hot and
humid day at the zoo, who desperately needs to pee. You run into the
men's bathroom at the zoo and are faced with 3 disgusting choices. That
person was me. That girl was mine. And the choices were a stall with a
broken toilet seat, a stall with a bloody diarrhea mess left behind,
and a stall with piss all over the seat. So what do you do noodads?

In my case, the choice was simple. I chose the stall with the broken
seat and I performed the potty maneuver of Cirque Du Soleil
proportions. I had my daughter stand on my thighs as I held her by her
underarms. I then squatted as she positioned her fanny over the sorry
excuse for a commode. The angle is tricky noodads, you need to make
sure she is level enough that she doesn't trickle back down on your
leg, low enough that she hits the pot, and quick enough so that you can
hold the position long enough.

Public restrooms bring nothing but trouble to a potty
training kid and a dad that helps them. They are seldomly clean enough,
and frequently disgusting. And when you are a noodad with a daughter,
things can even more challenging. We, as men, have trained ourselves
that despite the condition of the bathroom, we can go without touching
anything. We are spoiled because we do not need a seat. And we can
flush with our feet. So at least in my experiences, if I am faced with
the situation, like at the zoo, I would have more options. Sure I would
choose the broken seat option every time but the pissed over seat would
also be a bearable option.

Here are a few items to note when taking your kids to the public restrooms:

•
Kill the rainforest — This is war man, don't give conserving paper a
second thought. Use the whole damn roll of paper to cover the seat.
Don't worry, the trees were cut down already and the industrial grade
toilet can handle the heavier load.

• Girls in the Men's
Room! — If you have no other option, bringing girls into the men's room
is ok. But always check for a family bathroom first. They tend to be
larger and have cleaner facilities. Don't make a big deal out of a girl
in the men's room. If she starts asking questions, you may need to have
a discussion of what not to talk about in the men's room.

• Kid Height = Piss Height — Do not let your kids open the doors or
flush the toilet by themselves. Remember, your kid is probably waist
high. That means the part of the door or stall wall they are touching
is piss splatter height. Not too cool.

• The Superman Hand
Wash — Yet another maneuver in the Potty Yoga routine. When washing
your kids hands, hold them up horizontal to the floor (like Superman
flying) This will prevent any rubbing of the sink edge onto the kid
face. "You got me…who's got you?"

• Mr Brown is like Mr.
Sh*t — Remember, this is a place of worship where dirty men go to
meditate. No food, drink, lollipops, handshakes, high-fives, rubbing of
anything onto any part allowed.

Remember
noodads, you are only as clean as the lowest common denominator. Use
caution, perform swiftly, and get the hell outta there. Good luck, and
godspeed.