The 10 Things I Miss Most From the Non-Kid Days

Posted on 03 13, 2008 under The Manual by gregoryng | View Comments

23187817.jpgA couple of years ago, I wrote an article entitled, “The Top 10 Myths of Fatherhood: Debunked.” In it, I wrote, “You may be contemplating fatherhood and are scared to make the decision. Or you may have a kid on the way and are worried your life is over. If you watch television or movies you will have a very twisted idea of what fatherhood is. And just because your friends might go through hell, and can’t stop talking to you about it, it does not mean you should take it as fact. Listen to the truth my friend, and then decide whether you want to join me in fatherhood. You will see, that you can’t believe everything you see on TV.”

Well, maybe you have taken the plunge and you have one or two or maybe even three kids now. Surely, there is very little debate: kids change your life. And although I wouldn’t trade in my little ones for anything, there are a few things that I really miss. I hope that by reading this, you will know that you aren’t alone in missing the great things about not having kids. So here it is: the 10 things I miss about not having kids.

1. I miss having a potty mouth
I miss the days of being able to swear like a sailor whenever I want to. I miss being able to say “F***!” whenever I goddamn want to. Now I have to worry about little ears hearing and mimicking them.

2. I miss taking a dump with the bathroom door open
There is something very freeing and invigorating about sitting on your throne with the door open. “Let the whole town smell my power!” I would think. “It’s my house! I can do whatever I want!” Now I have to worry about little kids asking me why my legs are hairy or why I wear boxer shorts not briefs.

3. I miss being able to scream at the TV while watching the game
There is nothing more satisfying than yelling at the TV. True, some arguments with your toddler are just as one-sided, but no matter what awful thing your kid did, they didn’t drop a pass in the end zone or walk the winning run in.

4. I miss walking around in my underwear
Now everything is a production. Even on Saturday for crying out loud! We have to go through the formalities of putting on pants.

5. I miss drinking orange juice from the carton
Little kids have little germs. And so do you. You always did but when you live just with your wife you figure you share fluids anyway so why bother getting out a glass.

6. I miss being able to eat and then sit (and maybe talk)
You know the drill. Meal times are about sneaking in a bite while dodging flying green beans. It typically revolves around the kids finishing their meal, no you enjoying it.

7. I miss the anytime, anywhere sex
The anywhere can still be in effect but it is directly determined by the when. During the daytime its like how it was in high school: always trying to stay quiet and find a good hiding spot so your parents didn’t know.

8. I miss the all day video game days
I remember the day I got Crash Bandicoot for PS and I took an entire weekend and played it non-stop. And, by today’s standards, that game was not even that great. But the point is I had the option to do nothing else and I seized it! Now, I have the brilliant Super Mario Galaxy for the Wii sitting on my shelf and only 2 hours logged on it.

9. I miss sleeping in
Back in the day I could sleep in on saturdays. Yes, I knew doing so would mean I would miss City Guys on Teen NBC but that was the sacrifice I was in power to make. These days, it is like we are farmers: dawn means getting up and starting the day.

10. I miss being able to be home sick
When you feel lousy, you used to be able to call out sick and spend the day at home under a blanket, eating cinnamon toast and rehabbing on a nice cocktail of The Price of Right, Gilligan’s ISland, and maybe a little Sally Jesse Raphael. Now, a sick day means you feel lousy at home with your non-school aged kids thinking it’s a weekend. Hardly a situation conducive to healing.

So, you see noodads: it is ok to miss these things too. It doesn’t mean we don’t like our kids or we regret the decision. It just means there were some pretty sweet things in our lives back in the day too.

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  • I miss most of that stuff, but I still find the time to walk around in my underwear and spell out curse words (or use them a little extra when the kids aren't around). Some of the others' disappearances are probably for the best, I guess.

    The biggest thing I miss, I think, is the flexibility to do almost whatever we wanted almost whenever we wanted. Now things have to be planned weeks in advance, and planning is not my strong suit.
  • Maybe its because I have two sons but I still walk around in my underwear on weekend mornings. Its funny too because my two little guys will imitate me, walking around in their underwear...with a girl of the way though, we will see how long this lasts. I also miss:

    1. Being able to go out to dinner/move/show any day of the week.
    2. Having a complete "do nothing" day on the weekend.
  • I still take a dump with the door open! My 21 month old girl likes to pull the TP off the roll and bunch it up for me. They we both get to wave "bye bye" when we flush!
  • foodad
    I miss the daily backyard pickup sports. Soccer, Football and Baseball were the big three for my crew. When was the last time you played 2 on 2 or 3 on 3 baseball with "pitcher's poison"? Which by the way was also known as "pitcher's paradise" by the more optimistic sallies on the east side of South Willoughby. We usually played with a tennis ball so that we did not kill the windows. We'd alternate between Nerf and real footballs and soccer balls too. Good times.

    Nerf used to be THE brand for kid's sports. Now its all about geeks and darts. Oh well. It's only one letter off of nerd.
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