The Top 10 Events That Make You A Real Dad

Being a dad these days is more than fertilizing an egg or signing an adoption paper. Gone are the days when you come home from a hard day’s work, eat a fully prepared meal and then go to the den to drink some cognac smoking cigars letting the missus take care of your clan. We are road-tested, poop stains and all. We get our hands dirty! We get our nuts crushed! We get our shirts stained!

But, until you can really consider yourself a seasoned dad, there are a number of events that you must go through. These events happen to every dad. They do not come as planned. Some are a PITA. But all are necessary to wear the badge of fatherhood proudly.

#1. Potty training in a public restroom.
You haven’t truly lived until you have tried to take a potty training kid into a public restroom. That kid is like a time bomb ready to go at any moment. You are a concerned parent looking for a clean place to plop them down on. Read more about public restrooms here.

#2. Vomiting kid
Yakking is bad enough when you have to taste your lunch the second time around. But the smell of your own flesh and blood’s inner digestive tract is beyond description. Like every other involuntary bodily function, it can come at any time or any place.

#3 Poop in the tub
Bath time is supposed to be for cleaning not making a mess. But sure enough, there will be a time when you are playing Finding Nemo in the tub and your kid decides to change the plot line to Operation Dumbo Drop. It is only after you have witnessed the poop in the tub AND have dealt with drying the kid or kids off while cleaning the tub when you can consider yourself initiated.

#4 Kid at amusement park
The amusement park for a kid is like how you would feel if Home Depot, Hooters, and the NFL decided to join forces. You need to deal with the long hours, the long lines, heat exhaustion, inflated prices, overstimulation, and getting through the gift shop. Good luck! Read more about amusement parks here.

#5 Wiping up snot with your own sleeve
Inevitably, there will come a time when your kid is leaking snot like a faucet and you are out of tissues. You have to decide whether your kid starts drinking their own snot or you take matters into your own hand…er….sleeve.

#6 Swim lessons
Teaching a kid how to swim is an important step in their young lives. Most parents start their kids early (as early as 6 months old). But these young ages means someone needs to take a dive with them. It is not until you squeeze your pale wintery skin into a pair of trunks and do the hokey pokey in the pool with a bunch of other strange men with their shirts off when you will earn your stripes. Read more about swim lessons here.

#7 The Father Daughter Dance
Much like the swim lessons only you are clothed. But the same songs, (hokey pokey, head shoulders knees and toes, etc) are sung. And you thought you were embarrassed to dance at your senior prom or at your wedding. There’s nothing like dancing the Macarena with a bunch of other dudes. Read more about father daughter dances here.

#8 Surviving time away from the family
It may seem fun at first but that fades. Quickly. Whether you are apart on a business trip, or maybe the family took a vacation without you, it can be tough. The trick is to limit the velocity of reentry into bachelorhood slowly. Or else you will burn up. Read more about being apart from the family here.

#9 Holding your kid down to get shots
Getting inoculations is important but when that doctor comes to give your kid a shot you want to punch them in the teeth. When you have to pin your own kid down it can be devastating. Your kid will look at you straight in the eye with such a look of agony that you will think you will faint. But it will make you stronger in the long run. And tuberculosis is just bad, man.

#10 Surviving the first Little League game
You want your kid to be the starting varsity qb in high school right? Or maybe the All-American soccer player or Babe Ruth league Home Run king. It all starts with the first game and this is where you will be truly tested. Will you be “that dad” that everyone wants to beat up behind the bleachers? You know the guy. The one that screams at his kid until he cries? I have news for you, every dad is one “high school moment of glory” away from being that guy. It is only after you learn to keep it in perspective where you can be a real broken-in dad.

Noodads, how many have you completed? Did I miss anything?

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