The Noodad Ouch Awards

Posted on 05 17, 2006 under The Manual by Noodad | Comments
You"re a man. A manly man. You open beer bottles with your teeth, and crush boulders with your bare hands. We are the manliest of men: we are dads, dammit! But even megadads like us, have our weaknesses. No superhero, after all, is without their kryptonite. There are many things, that we endure as noodads, that just kick the living crap out of our bodies after awhile. That is why we have created the Noodad Ouch! Awards.

The Ouch! Awards honors those everyday aches and pains that inflict our noodad bodies. We get these ailments because we go above and beyond to perform our daddy duties. They aren"t glory injuries like black eyes. No, these are the underrated ailments. The ones you forget about until you writhe in pain the next time you get it. After a rigorous judging process (consisting of me in a room with a computer), the winners have been chosen. But who will take the top honor Readers Choice Award? It is now up to you, our readers of noodad.com, to vote for the winner.

 

And the nominees are:

The Marathon Burner: After hour-long stints of holding a 30lb toddler, the single kid-carrying arm begins to fatigue. This first starts as a small tingling and over time erupts into a full burn. The Marathon Arm is most common at amusement parks, museums, boring parties at non-babyproofed houses, and The Wiggles concert. With your superhuman strength you refuse to switch arms. Besides, you need your other arm to hold the rainbow sno cone.

 

 

 

 

 

 
The Neck Twista: This nominee is typically generated in the vehicle when you are driving and your child is out of range of sight from rearview window and speaks words or sounds that cause you to wonder what the hell they are doing. This ailment occurs as you snap your neck back and forth from watching the road and not killing yourself, and making eye contact with your misbehaving child. You snap your neck back so fast that sometimes you don"t even know if you are actually looking back. But somehow that split second visual of your kid confirms your suspicion that they were up to no good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Ball Buster: This nominee occurs when roughhousing with little ones. Inevitably a hand, foot, or other blunt object strikes your noo noos with furious anger and blatant disregard to your manhood. But your iron clad supernuts were what got you into this noodad business to begin with. There is no way, you will let those little Lex Luthors damage your Fortress of Nut-itude. For additional info, please refer to our article, When Your Kid Kicks You in the Nuts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Rubber Hyper-Extender: Like the dreaded Neck Twista, this nominee occurs in the car. It happens when your kid drops a toy, sippy cup, or food item down on the ground and you try to reach behind your own seat, onto the floor, while driving, to retrieve it. At first, all you can do is touch it with your fingertips. But then, you use your superhuman flexibility and you push further, finally reaching the object and saving the day. Of course, it feels like you pulled your arm out of socket in the process.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Stroller Shins: This occurs when you open up your trunk, take out your stroller, and engage the stroller mechanism. The stroller unlatches, swings down towards the ground and smashes viciously into your shins. You wish you had the agility and the quickness to avoid the pendulum of pain, but alas, you don"t. But what you do have are shins of steel, hardened by callous over callous over blister over scar tissue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Minefield Puncture: The most common time of infliction for this nominee is in the middle of the night. It occurs when you walk to the bathroom or kitchen and a (usually sharp and small) toy piece makes a White Castle burger out of your foot. Hobbling around on one foot, you are forced to quietly remove the sole demon from your body. Your super night vision cannot help you on this one. Make sure to visit our article, The Toy Minefield for more information.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now is your chance to voice your opinion. Which nominee should take the prize? Which one ails you the most or is the most painful, from your experiences? Or maybe you would like to support a write-in vote. This is the reader"s choice so weigh in and be heard!

 

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Viewing 5 Comments

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    They all sound bad, But My iron clad boys have suffered greatly over the years. But Imagine your sleeping dreaming your wonderful dreams. You\'re 3 year old (Nephew in my case). Has a bad dream and I\'m his hero so he comes running and stage dives double kneed right into you\'re previously safe, Sleeping soundly sack. It\'s like a magnet they are always under attack. We should unite and invent the jock thats comfortable and stylish!
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    The Baby Carrier Crippler

    While the baby carrier will keep your kid safe, it can dish out a lot of pain. The carrier has a three-pronged attack.

    Zone 1. The obliques (those are the muscles beneath that soft, pasty protective blubber ring that sags over your belt just above your hip bone)and shoulders. Similar in pain to the marathon burner, it occurs when you\'re holding the carrier to the side and away from your body for an extended area of time. If you\'ve got twins you\'re okay here because you have counterbalance with a carrier in each hand.

    Zone 2. The outside knee and lower thigh. When fatigue sets in from zone 1, the carrier slams into this region You develop a perma-bruise, which is nice, because then you can repeatedly whack said bruise every time you transport your kid.

    It is important to note that both 1 and 2 can be avoided if you hold the handle of the carrier in the crook of your arm (that\'s where the ball is on the Heisman Trophy). But you\'re a man, dammit. If you hold a baby carrier this way be sure to put on your red riding hood, plaid skirt, or other appropriate feminine attire.

    Zone 3. The lower back. The carrier could not be more poorly designed in terms of ergonomics for your lower back. If you\'ve ever worked in any kind of a warehouse or retail environment you may have seen those posters with diagrams about how to safely lift irems over 10 lbs in weight. Loading a carrier into its seat base is the exact opposite of what the good folks at OSHA recommend. The safest place for the carrier base is in the middle of the back seat, which means you have to lift the carrier and extend it away from your body while bent over at a 90 degree angle. This maneuver had me walking around like John Merrick and Quasimodo\'s love child for several days and landed me in my only trip the physical therapist in my lifetime.

    All of these pains are a rite of passage into fatherhood. It could be worse--you could live on that island in the South Pacific where the tribes make boys jump from rickety timber platforms with a vine tied around their ankles to prove their manhood. Remember, noodads: safety is no accident.
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    As the proud father of an 8 week old, I cant comment on most of these. But I can suggest this- When the wee one is fussy at night, one of the surest ways to calm her down is to hold her against your chest. But on occasion, she crabs a hand full of chest hair and pulls- HARD! I cant believe a 10lb baby has that kungfu grip!
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    Have you ever had a nine month old with teeth try to latch on to your nipple? Sure it hurts the moms a bit, but has it ever happened to you? The Dad?
    My hubby was holding our half awake daughter with his shirt off (it had to be 5 am) and she was a little confused and decided to try to latch on.
    I know it hurt-but it was hilarious. Now he has a bit of an idea of what chapped nipples are-tee hee hee hee
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    Macho you tries to hold the kid with one arm, but he\'s growing heavier by the week, and he\'s oh-so-mobile too.

    He wiggles, jiggles, tries to flop out of your grasp to hit the floor with his face so he can then go play. You single-armedly foil the escape plot, but there\'s a price -- the neck and shoulders ain\'t young and strong the way they used to be. You pulled _something_ in that neck/shoulder area. Now, when you turn the head, there\'s that sharp pain. Lying on one side is uncomfortable at night. Every heavy lift gives you the reminder that Squirrely might have earned the right to never be picked up again.

    Weeks pass, and the pain doesn\'t quite go away. You probably have a pinched nerve and need a chiropractor\'s help.
 

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