The Princess Guide (The Big 6)

Nothing will impress your daughter more than a little knowledge of the big 6. No, I’m not talking about public accounting. –In fact, if I ever talk about public accounting, please send complaints to contact@noodad.com. I will fire myself immediately*.– Your little princess is probably as captivated by Cinderella’s big night at the ball as you were (who arewe kidding here? as you are) by “No Luke, I am your father!”

This is your definitive, noodad-twisted, princess guide.

Ariel – In The Little Mermaid,
Ariel is a mermaid who wants to be a human and marry her prince. She
makes a deal with the Sea Witch, Ursula, giving up her voice for a
chance to do so. Her friends are Sebastian the lobster, Flounder the
fish and Scuttle the seagull.

What you’ll remember: Smoking hot,
fire-headed siren who lives unda da sea. Makes those plastic
surgery augmented Manga chicks and American Idol fans swoon with her
great pipes and natural, girl-next-door good looks. Think Milla
Jovovich.

Belle – In Beauty and the Beast, Belle
befriends the local outcast (who happens to be a cursed prince) after
he detains her father for trespassing on the castle grounds. It
turns out that his whole staff is also under the spell. Friends
include: Lumiere (the candlestick), Cogsworth (the clock) and Mrs.
Potts and Chip. (from the tea set). Belle develops Stockholm Syndrome,
falls in love and breaks the curse.

What you’ll remember:
Chestnut haired mega babe who likes her men big –and extremely hairy.
Eccentric. Talks to clocks, pots and candlesticks. Likes to show off
her cleavage just like (my latest freebie five member) Anne Hathaway.

Cinderella –
This may be the most important to know. Little girl’s father (LOADED
WITH MONEY) dies after which her step mother shows her true colors. Her
Fairy godmother hooks her up with some cool threads and a phat ride to
go to the ball. She dances the whole night with the prince, but ends up
having to leave because the magic wears off at midnight. She
leaves a glass slipper behind which the King’s minions eventually use
to find her.

What you’ll remember: Dreamy little indentured
servant who is as clever as she is hot. Can talk to mice.
Wears glass slippers. Has bippity boppity boobs. Naomi Watts was born
to be Cinderella.

Sleeping Beauty – She is given the gifts
of Beauty and Song by two of three fairies. An evil witch then
puts a curse on her. On her 16th birthday, she will prick her
finger on a spinning wheel and die. The third fairy had not given
her gift yet, so she lessened the blow but altering the curse a tad.
her into a deep sleep, only to be awakened by true love. Long
story short, she ends up asleep. The prince kills the witch, slips her
the tongue, everyone wakes up and they live happily ever after.
Noodad says this is the most bad-ass of the princess flicks. It sounds
kind of cool to me the way he explains it. This is the one that I
cannot actually recall seeing and I do not own it.

What you’ll
remember: Took more than the recommended dosage of Allestra. Bonus
points if you know that her name is Princess Aurora or that when she
went into hiding she was called Briar Rose. Charlize Theron is
her twin.

Jasmine – It is love at first site when street-rat, Aladdin,
meets the local princess, Jasmine. Unfortunately for him, she can
only marry a prince. He finds a magic lamp containing a genie
though, and uses one of his wishes to become a prince. Of course
some evil-doer finds out about the lamp and steals it. Chaos, hilarity
and true love ensue.

What you’ll remember: The genie. Who is
Jasmine’s real life counterpart? Two words: Wafah Dufour. Could I
get a little syrup on my Wafah?

Snow White – Snow White
gets poisoned by a wicked queen who is jealous that her magic mirror
thinks Snow is more beautiful than she. She disguises herself as
an old hag and tempts Snow White with a poison apple.

What
you’ll remember – She’s not the hottest of the princesses and she hangs
out with a bunch of drunk little worker bees. Think Sherilyn Fenn. No,
I didn’t know who she was either, but that will not stop me from
thinking about her now.

*I will not really fire myself.

Register today to comment and read comments!