The Science of Sniffing Butts

This article was originally published in April 2006.

Sniffing butts…it's not just for dogs anymore. It is also for parents. For you soon-to-be dads out there, you will get to the prime butt-sniffing point in your parenting career very shortly. See, when you are in a public place and there are other kids in the room, you need to quickly figure out whether your kid is the one stinking up the joint. The quickest way to do that is to grab your kid, hold them up to the sky, shove your schnoz into their butt, and take a big sniff.

I find myself getting a good butt sniff at least 3 times a day. I don't enjoy it, but I certainly won't trade it for the other options. When my daughter was first born, I got self-conscious about sniffing her butt in public so I always either did the side sneak peek or paid the price with a leaky diaper.

The Sneak Peek Method is fine when it's hot out and your kid is in a dress or just a onesie. Easy access. But when they are in overalls or pants, you just can't strip your kid down a the playground. If it's a false alarm you're standing there with a half naked kid and nothing to show for it.

If you try to just ignore the smell, you tempt the poodad god and you will most likely meet the Wrath of Khan coming out the side. Kirk was able to cheat on the Kobyashi Maru but if you try cheating on this one, you will be met with a Genesis Project in your kid's diaper.

No, sniffing butts is the best way to do it. Here are a few tips to being a good, effective butt sniffer:

KNOW YOUR SMELLS
After a few hundred KBMs (Kid Bowel Movements®) you will gain a pleasant familiarity to the aromas of your kid's kitchen. With time, comes experience. With experience, comes a groove that you will achieve where, with one smell, you will know the make and model of what you are dealing with. At this point, I can tell everything about my kid's poodad with one sniff. I rule this area. You will too.

WATCH THE LEGS
One thing to be careful about when you are sniffing, are your kid's legs. if you are not careful, a kicking leg could break you nose. Just watch your face when you do the lift up. I haven't actually heard of anyone getting their nose broken but I have gotten clocked in the face with the backside of a shoe many times. Be careful dudes.

DO THE OVERHEAD MANEUVER
Embarrassed to do the blatant sniff? Try this technique: Pretend to lift your kid over your head to ride on your shoulders, but midway up, fake an arm charlie horse, lower your kid down slowly, and as the butt graces your face, take a whiff. Just kidding Noodads, that is lame. Just sniff the butt.