The Top 10 Most Painful Things of Fatherhood

No matter how amazing being a Dad can be, the bottom line is fatherhood is sometimes filled with pain. This pain comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are psychological. Some are physical. But they all result in you wanting to curl up in the fetal position. But you don't have to resort to just grinning and bearing it. Sometimes just realizing you aren't alone makes a huge difference. So join me as I take you through the Top 10 Most Painful Things of Fatherhood.

10. The 1 X 1 LEGO Brick
The piece that you always seemed to need when you were making your LEGO brothels and bowling alleys when you were a kid is also the piece that always seem to end up in front of your refrigerator when you walk downstairs in the middle of the night barefoot .

9. Having the Minivan Talk
Before you gave up, got the minivan, and realized you are now a suburban stud, the thought of hanging up your manhood for the family truckster hurt your nads to the core. Thankfully modern day minivans are rolling technological wonders. And playing PlayStation in your car can never be perceived as bad.

{mosnooad}8. Watching a Vaginal Birth
Let me clarify: This one should actually read: "Watching your wife give birth vaginally." (Because watching some other dude's wife vaginally isn't as bad) The sight of your wife's holiest of holys being examined by countless people, and then having an Aliens-like spawn poke their little head out can make you cringe, toss your cookies, or even faint. But never fear, it should all heal after a few months.

7. Having to Share Your Wife's Breasts
Although you would never admit it, you always felt that your wife's moneymakers were yours. You were da man, and those puppies belonged only to you. That's why when your kid is born and that lucky bastard gets to suck on them every 2 hours you start to get jealous. But the true pain doesn't come until you realize not only does your kid get first priority, he gets only priority. That's where it starts to really hurt.

6. Censoring Yourself
I'm all for shielding little kids' ears from vulgarities uttered for the sheer fun of it. But sometimes you need to just yelp a hearty F-bomb from time to time . But those pesky kids took that right away too! Now I need to resort to kicking my dog and screaming into a pillow.

5. The Rubber Hyper-Extender
Taken from the Noodad Ouch Awards Article: Like the dreaded Neck Twista, this nominee occurs in the car. It happens when your kid drops a toy, sippy cup, or food item down on the ground and you try to reach behind your own seat, onto the floor, while driving, to retrieve it. At first, all you can do is touch it with your fingertips. But then, you use your superhuman flexibility and you push further, finally reaching the object and saving the day. Of course, it feels like you pulled your arm out of socket in the process.

4. Paying for College
Although it may not result in physical pain, this item hits you where it counts: your wallet. Sure you want to give your kids the best education money can buy, but at the same time, you thought your days of Ramen Noodles was over.

3. Nipple Confusion
You are enjoying a nice nap, with your newborn laying on your chest. All of a sudden, what you thought was a cute little infant mouth is the jaws of life clamping down on your nipple. It's nipple confusion fellas, and it shoots a burning sensation through your body so excruciating you may think you are on fire. But the most painful part of this dilemma, is if your wife is breastfeeding, you can't complain one bit. Because doing so will result in a swift punch punch kick from Parappa the Rapper AKA your wife.

2. Getting Kicked in the Nuts
They don't call them family jewels for nothing. They are valuable, and should be kept private (except that streaking incident in college). So when they are violated by a size 4 Stride Rite, it can be very difficult to keep your composure and stay standing. It is tough enough working through the pain but as a dad, you now need to explain why you're puking your brains out. That's why getting kicked in the nuts is #2.

1. You're What?
Having a pregnant wife can be a joyful amazing thing…if you wanted to have a kid in the first place. But the most painful thing a dude can experience is hearing those words, "I'm pregnant" when that was the last thing you wanted. Don't worry noodads, you will be a great dad and will treat that unwanted kid just like the others, but it doesn't mean you can't admit that the situation sucks. That is why hearing your wife is pregnant when you don't want her to be pregnant is the most painful experience of fatherhood.