Using Television As a Babysitter

Sometimes issues get completely blown out of proportion. People feel forced to choose a definitive side. Like the issue of kids and television. I believe if you take an argument and blow it way out of proportion, people will start thinking for themselves again. In this regard, I present to you, "Using Television As a Babysitter"

In this day in age, life outside the confines of your own home can be downright scary. You may feel safe sitting in your living room, but once you open up that squeaky screen door, you are faced with pedophiles, terrorists, rabid pit bulls, Lyme Disease, burning UV rays, and acid rain.

Now you are an adult. Imagine how your kids feel when they leave the house. Or more telling, how you feel when they venture out into the wild. Just when you think things are safe again, a kid gets kidnapped. Or just when you think you can trust your teenager, Borat interviews them.

So how do you keep your kids safe from all the dangers in this world? My solution: Television. Yes, TV: The mysterious box that everyone seems to blame the world's problems on.

"There is too much violence. That's why people go and shoot up schools."

"It's too sexual. That's why 10 year olds feel pressure to have sex."

"It's too damn stimulating. That's why kids sit on their asses all day and get fat."

"There are too many commercials. That's why we grow up demanding more material things instead of valuing the intangibles."

{mosnooad}How very convenient these excuses are for those who want to find fault in everything on the ol' boob tube. These people tend to come from families where their parents restricted television, and like a good hazing ritual, the cycle continues regardless of independent thinking. Trendy scapegoats like Grand Theft Auto and MySpace will come and go but the tv is here to stay on America's most wanted.

I say, forget what other people say. TV is good for you. Consumption is good for you. And it's a whole lot safer than walking down your sidewalk. Need a babysitter? Don't pay for a high schooler who only cares about whether she can use your computer when your gone to IM her friends. Use the TV. The tv is already paid for, and it changes the subject every 30 minutes or so.

And for the price babysitters charge these days (national average is around $10 an hour for one kid), you could afford that 50" DLP you have been dreaming about. Heck, throw in the DirecTV while you're at it.

Concerned about too many cartoons and not enough education? I guarantee your toddler will watch Discovery Channel in HD with as much interest as SpongeBob.

Anxious about the level of inactivity required to spend a whole day watching TV? Give your kids really salty snacks and put all the drinks on another level of the house. Your kids will be running during commercials to quench that thirst.

Scared about teenage pregnancy? With the common trend in 40 year old first pregnancies, we might need a return to 1950's values. 10 year olds having consensual sex? Yeah, too early. But there's nothing wrong with getting married at 18 and popping out kids every year after. The future of the human race may downright require it!

Opening the flood gates of TV watching will teach them to self-regulate. After a few weeks of non-stop TV, they will be itching to go outside. Resist the temptation! Remember the squirrels foaming out their mouths! Require them to at least have it on in as background noise if they don't want to watch. They will be that much more interesting at cocktail parties, and will kick serious booty on the World Series of Pop Culture.

So the next time someone invites you and your kid over for a play date, demand that there is a big screen TV, plenty of snacks, and absolutely no physical activity.