When Strangers Attack

This article was originally published in March 2006. If you haven't read it, it's new to you!

Sure your baby is cute. They all are. But with cuteness comes
great responsibility. And that responsibility falls on your shoulders
my friend. Your baby can't fend for themselves when strangers attack.
You need to pull a Macauley Culkin's Dad and take matters into your own
hands until they grow up to make their own decisions. (Then, of course,
they can make their own mistakes but that's a different article)

So what do I mean by "Strangers that Attack"? Say you are pushing your
2 week old newborn in a stroller in the mall. Like pigs on poodad, your
newborn will attract all sorts of people. It's like single guys and
dogs only instead of hot women you attract a different breed of women.

They break down into 3 categories:

Category 1- Women with kids. Threat Level: Dangerous
These women tend to already have a few kids, usually toddler age or
above and won't admit it but desperately want another baby.
Method of Attack: They will approach semi-aggressively. Normally they
will corner you in the mall elevator. They will ask tons of questions
but that is just an entry point. If they could pull the jedi mind trick
they would: "These aren't the droids you are looking for [wave the
hand]. Let me touch your baby.] They will then feel compelled to
comment on the full head of hair your newborn has or how gorgeous their
eyes are, and then comment how there is nothing like the smell of
newborn. Finally they will be forced to tell you about their kids.

These predators are dangerous mostly because they have kids and are
carriers of kid sickness. This is the last thing your newborn needs.

Category 2- Women without kids. Threat Level: More Dangerous
These women don't have kids for one reason or another but they want one or at least the idea of one.
Method of Attack: They will approach tentatively. They will be in baby
Gap buying an outfit for a niece or friend's baby and they will wait
for you to start eye contact. But man, once you do they will pounce
like a football team at Old Country Buffet. Same desires played out
like a robot programmed order: Must touch baby. Must smell baby. Must
make baby smile. Must try out baby-speak "Gootchie gootchie!"

These predators are dangerous because they don't have kids. They are
used to the role of Auntie where you get to babysit every once in a
while but they don't deal with the cleanup. This is dangerous because
they don't understand the neurosis associated with parenthood and they
get hostile when they think you are being rude.

Category 3- Grandparent Age. Threat Level: Code Red
These women tend to already have gone through raising kids and possibly
grandkids. They desperately need physical content. Bad bad bad!

Method of Attack: They will approach with every last ounce of energy
and full authority of their own law and immediately try to touch. They
will ask very few questions, saving all of their energy to rub the
head, touch the fingers, and even kiss the cheek. This is the worst of
the worst and in some states I am certain this could be tried in the
case of law as assault.

These predators are most dangerous
because they may have sickness, they have no sense of civility, and
they are older so you feel a duty to be nice to them.

So what do you do? It may feel against your nature but you must work up
enough nerve to tell people to back off. Would you go up to a strangers
kid and touch them? I think not. Just because they have ovaries and may
or may not have given birth doesn't give them that right. Society has
given people enough leverage and courage to scold people when they see
someone smoking indoors or when they watch a guy throw a cup out his
car window. You need to feel empowered to protect your own kid.

You can approach it the curt way or the passive way. I have had success
with both. If you are a no B.S. type of guy, just say, "Please don't
touch my baby." That's it. Simple. They will think to themselves that
you are a SOB but at least you aren't cleaning up their cold mutated
into your baby's running nose. If you are a non-confrontational guy
it's easy too. Just say, "Yeah, he is just getting over a cold." Most
people back off after that.

But there is a third option and it
is by far the most fun. Make up an ailment. Say your kid just got over
a nasty case of strangeritical diarrhea  or ask if they have been
immunized from SARS. This works well for me because I am Chinese.
Whatever method you choose remember to protect your child first and
worry about hurting stranger's feelings second.{mosimage}