When Your Kid Pimp Slaps You

There will come a time when your child, feeling like an animal cornered in a cage, will hit you. This can be a scary action on their part and a potentially humiliating one for you. It normally occurs because your kid doesn’t know how to express themselves in anger and their animal instincts react in the form of an open hand. When it happens, you’ll know it is purely instinctual because any physical assault on purpose would be a closed fist. It can also escalate into a full blown fit of rage—one in which you need to settle them down and explain ramifications for their actions.

So what do you do when this happens to you? If you said, “Hit them back.” you should leave this site and never come back. We don’t want your scum around Noodad.com. If you said, “I don’t know what I should do.” then get comfortable, and read the following:

ADDRESS IMMEDIATELY
It is important to address this action swiftly and definitively. Make it absolutely clear that your kid understands this should not happen again. Using your angry voice is appropriate here. So is holding their
wrists sternly but not abusively. The first time it happens, it will shock you. Do not let the shock overcome the task at hand.

TEACH WITH WORDS AND ACTIONS
If you simply hold down their arms, they might feel more attacked (depending on the severity of their fit of rage) On the contrary, just speaking to them about why they shouldn’t treat you like a punching bag
won’t work either. It is the combination of the two that will demand attention and get your message heard.

CONSISTENCY IN PUNISHMENT
Like everything else in parenthood, consistency is key. If your punishment of choice is the Super Nanny naughty stair, make sure every time you get cold-cocked, they are sitting on the naughty step. Switching up on punishments will confuse them and you. Stay the course.

There may be times when this assault occurs away from home (on vacation, in a restaurant, etc). Make sure you approximate the punishment as close as possible. That last think you want is for your kid to figure out, the punishment is easier while away from the roost. Kids are smart little buggers after all.

PULL A MR. MIYAGI
The best thing that i have found in curbing unwanted blows to the face, is to pull a move like Mr. Miyagi in Karate Kid Part 2. If your kid hits you, squeeze their nose and make a honking noise. Apply just enough pressure that they know you “ain’t playin’”. This will no doubt, embarrass them as much as the original altercation embarrassed you.

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF
I said it before, I’ll say it again. One of the negative side effects of parents who actually care about their kids, is that we internalize our kids misbehavior. We won’t say, “why is my son a raving lunatic?” We will say instead, “What did I do wrong to make my kid a raving lunatic?” The important thing is to not react with equal force. The last thing you want your kid to learn is that physical action always needs to be resolved with equal physical reaction. If you go down this path, your kid will be getting in a lot of fights throughout their lives and in those cases, it will be your fault.

Teach your kids to be more like Michael Jackson, “Paul, I told you, I’m a lover not a fighter.” Ok. Bad example. But you get the point. Good luck noodads.