Why I am terrified to dress my kids.

I’ve been a dad for more than 3 years now. I’ve seen fits and I’ve seen stains. I’ve seen runny noses that I thought would never end. I’ve seen nasty things coming out of my kids rear ends. But there’s always one thing that I really dread.

It is not what you think it is.  I can handle staying home alone with both of them. I do not mind extended tea-parties. I am especially good at returning the Goran Ivanisevic-in-his-prime serves from my 2 year old:

Lil Noob: What are dadose?
Foodad: Those are socks.

Lil Noob: What are dadose?
Foodad: Socks.

Lil Noob: What are dadose?
Foodad: Also socks.

Lil Noob: What are dadose?
Foodad: Socks buddy.

Lil Noob: What are dadose?
Foodad: Those are socks.

PA Guy: Love-15

The thing that send chills down my spine and causes me to shriek in bloodcurdling terror is hearing 6 simple words.

“Honey, can you get _THEM_ dressed?”

Oh no. Not again. Got to hide. Must not let them find me! <pitter patter> <pitter patter> They laugh as they call me. “Dad! Mom says to get us dressed!” Agh! The four year old! "Daddy Lion, mom sefs to dwess uf." Argh! The 2 year old!  I cannot hide from them. They always find me, besides they have already thrown their pajamas in the hamper and those naked little buggers are probably cold.

{mosnooad}
I come out from behind the chair and face my fear. I slowly approach the dresser. I open it.  The clothes inside are neatly lined up in rows and columns. They are well organized, like a fresh deck of Copags, until I touch them. Suddenly it’s 52 card pickup as they dance around and then turn themselves inside out, all the while laughing a demonic laugh because they are not on my side! The Dora t-shirts, the Gymboree skirts and jeans, the Children’s Place t-shirts and the princess underwear: They are all Haters-of-the-Foo. I may as well just close my eyes and pick something at random.  The result is always the same.

John McLaughlin: Issue 1, the kids are running around the house naked and there are no clothes laid out. FOODAD!
Foodad:  Well I…
John McLaughlin: WRONG!

It does not matter what I pick. I pick something cute and it’s a school outfit. I pick something old and it is too small (It’s still in there for one reason only: to trip me up).  I pick something practical and I find out I was supposed to put her in a skirt. Usually the two items I have picked go with two other items, neither of which are available. That’s too old. That’s too new. We borrowed that from a friend and it should have been returned. There is only one way to succeed in this arena.

I must always ask my wife to lay out clothes for the kids the night before.  "Then we shall have peace." -Darth Siddious