Why My Onesie Maneuver is Cry Proof

Posted on 10 28, 2008 under The Manual by Noodad | Comments

55626781v3_240x240_front_color-babyblueAh onesies…the undergarment of choice for the under 3 crowd.  With it's soft cotton and 3 button snaps. It is brilliantly designed. When used for the power of good, it can offer an extra layer of warmth, and a support hammock for a diaper full of pee. But for those who aren't trained in the ways of proper onesie application, it can be a one way ticket to Pissed-Off-ville or even worse, a near death suffocation.

There is a proper way to put on a onesie. And this way is cry-proof. Here's what you need to do:


Step 1: Lay Your Kid Down
On a mat. On the floor. On the changing table. It doesn't matter as long as they are horizontal.

Step 2: The Ring of Fabric
The trick is all in the neck hole. Bunch up the onesie so that you end up holding a ring of fabric.

{mosnooad}Step 3: Peekaboo
Peek your head through the hole so your kid can see you through it. Do this as you take the onesie in for the landing around their neck. If you neglect this step, you are at risk for your kid freaking out when their head is inside a blanket of fabric.

Step 4: The Slide Over
Slide the ring around the kid's neck so that it pushes past the face and head and ends up surrounding the neck. If your kid starts thrashing, pin them down with the one handed "Ain't gonna happen" maneuver to the chest*. You have one more step before you can take a break.

Step 5: Arm Holes
Take the arms and pull them through one at a time through the arm hole. One arm in one hole is unacceptable. You need both arms in each arm hole. A kid who is running around with one loose arm is a kid who can take off their onesie.

{youtube}sjGxfViEI-M{/youtube}Step 6: Rest Stop
If you have a buckin' bronco, now is the first acceptable rest stop. Consider this a base camp before the final summit. Let your kid run around with a flapping onesie until their heart's content. When they tucker out, start the next step.

Step 7: The Snaps
Now is the time to finish this baby off.  Pull the flap down from the back and bring it to the front until it is taut. Begin the snapping. Make sure you snap all 3 buttons. Although tempting to cut corners, 3 is the magic number perfected by Gerber for generations. (They tried 2 buttons for awhile in the 70's with disastrous results**)

Step 8: Finish
You're all done buddy. Your kid has their onesie on and you didn't cut off their circulation.

Good luck noodads.

* Noodad does not endorse abuse to kids at any time. He does endorse, however, restraining kids with a gentle, yet forceful open palm to the chest maneuver.
** Gerber, although known to always push the envelope in undergarment technology, DID NOT try the 2 button Onesie in the 70's.

 

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