You Can Still Go to Restaurants with Babies and Toddlers

Kids are great excuses to never do anything you used to like to do before you had them.  You probably have not been to Las Vegas on a weekend bender with your buddies since they invaded your personal habitat. And when was the last time you saw a movie in the theater, went out raging until 3:00AM, streaked through Ann Taylor or went to a restaurant? Boohoodads, listen up. Yes. You can still go out to eat.

Of course you can go to restaurants, but, like anything else with your bundles of pure chaos, it requires careful planning.

Agree to split the duties – Even though your wife, girlfriend or life partner makes taking care of the offspring look as easy as drinking a beer, it is probably causing her some internal strain. Inside, she is feeling pressure to eat and get out before the kids decide to ransack the joint with their special noise cluster bombs.  Make sure you take responsibility for some part of the meal.  Feed them, get them their crayons and color with them, feed them, supervise them, feed them, get them their sippy cup, feed them… By now you should see where you can score the most points.

Pick a family friendly restaurant. – Face it, you’re not going to The Maisonette or L’Espalier unless your last name is Pitt and you can afford to fence the whole place off.  Louder restaurants work in your favor.  It also helps to get to know the owner and the staff.  Be very nice to them and tip a little extra if your little one makes a large mess.  I can not count the number of times my 1 year old has decided to coat the floor at our favorite Korean place with rice.  Sure, I clean up some of it, but sticky rice on the floor seems to repel their power.

Poodad – Know your exits in the event of a poodad.  If there is no changing table, excuse yourself to the car to change them. Also consider doing this if the restroom is near any tables.  Remember, all poodad in restaurants is considered an emergency. In a restaurant, there is no difference between one of those little pinball sized easy cleaners and a full-on, running-up-their-back, coming-through-their-onesie, head-for-the-hills, code red, mud bath poodad.  The worst thing you can do is ruin another person’s dining experience with your kid’s dirty business.

Always get your kids settled before doing anything. Once I went to dim sum with my family and a couple of friends.  Dim sum is great for kids because it’s usually really loud and there is a lot of variety (Just make sure they don’t have any allergies before going, You don’t always know what you’re eating. This is part of the fun.) Anyway, the carts were coming fast and furious and I didn’t want to miss out on any of the hot, steamed buns. They seem to only come around once per dim sum experience no matter how long I stay.  I started ordering before I got the two kids fully situated, leaving the lion’s share of the work for my wife.  She was pretty good about it, but it really put a lot of stress on her because she wasn’t felling that great and I had promised that I would help with the kids.  I lost points that day.

Have a conversation with them first. – If your kid is over 2, let them know your expectations several hours before you go. You don’t need to be stern, just talk to them. The top two are: We don’t get out of our seat. We use our inside voices. Then, when they inevitably try one of the two, you just repeat yourself in a very serious, but gentle voice.  Soon, the kids will be telling you what they’re supposed to be doing.  Also, tell them that you are going someplace special to eat and that they will have things to do. Tell them what they will eat. Preparing your little camper in advance for experiences takes a lot of the stress out of the situation for them.  They will think it is cool and even if they do not fully understand you, this is part of their restaurant training. Remember, it’s about routine. They love that.

Go early – You need to get them to bed by ~7:30-8 anyway, so do yourself a favor and get there before the rush.  I’m not saying to dine with the seniors at 4:30, but going early means parking is easier, waiting for a table is non-existent, and the food will come out faster.

The diaper bag – Don’t forget it. Prepare for anything.

Diversions, diversions, diversions – You need to pack a bag of toys and activities.  Nothing loud. Crayons and coloring books, small toys they don’t see a lot and books will do the trick. Sometimes the restaurant will have kid placemats and crayons. Take advantage of this. Don’t let them color on the menu.

Bring food for them – Eating out is for you.  Prepare things they like to take with you in small containers.  Bring little snacks like wagon wheels and, for angelic behavior or dire situations, lollipops for the ~3 and up crowd. Noodad also recommends those placemats that stick to the table.  A plate looks just like a discus to the 2 and under crowd.

Watch them around the hot stuff – The waitperson isn’t always looking out for your little buckaroo.  They have no idea that they have the reach of Inspector Gadget, so be prepared for inappropriate food, glass or utensil placement.

Timing – You probably do not have more than an hour to get in, eat and get out.  If you stay longer and your kid starts to melt down, it is probably your fault.

fOodad sez “enjoy your night out!”