10 Names That Would Get My Kid Beat Up

Posted on 06 06, 2006 under Predad by gregoryng | View Comments

Naming your kids is a very important task in the realm of
fatherhood. The name needs to be unique enough and common enough:
Unique enough that they don't share the same name with fifty of their
classmates and common enough that they will not be subject to
mispronounciations and ridicule.

But it doesn't stop at just
first names. You need to think about how middle names sound when
hearing the full name, what type of crazy 3-letter word the initials
make, and what type of nicknames could rhyme with the name. I knew a
girl in school with the initials ARF and man, was she a dog, too. It's
a complex puzzle to solve.

Scratch off the names of all the annoying people in your lifetime
off the list, and you could find yourself in an even tighter
predicament. You might love the name Karen (probably because there was
some hot girl in junior high named Karen) but your wife might have
known a bitch name Karen (could have been the same girl) and the name
would be off the list.

So now consider the extra requirement my
wife and I needed to go through when naming our kids. With my last
name, "Ng", pronounced "Ing", we had a new set of issues. Following are
the 10 worst possible names for my children. Because at the time of our
first kid's birth, we did not know the sex, we had to prepare ourselves
with boys and girls names. Man, they owe us big for not naming them
these names as they would surely get beat up in school the entire life.

Number 10: Chase
Chase
used to be a white richboy name but these days, parents are naming
their sons and daughters, Chase. Well, my kids, boy or girl, will not
be rich or entirely white and certainly won't be named Chase Ng
(Chasing).

Number 9: Buck
A name like Buck can bring
feelings of "cash money" or an Air Force pilot sent into the future. A
name like Buck Ng (Bucking), on the other hand, only brings one thing
to mind: a bronco. God forbid if the kid had buckteeth and a thing for
molasses.

chick_store Number 8: Gay
Regardless of last name, you
need to be a special kind of person to pull this one off. And before
you go and think my daughter would go around the neighborhood, Gaying
up everything, you need to take a chill pill.

Number 7: Carol
I
actually have a cousin who before she got married, was named Carol Ng.
Not the worst thing to happen to you. After all, people only carol when
they are happy during Christmas time right? I mean if you are working
the chain gang, singing spirituals, do they call that caroling?

Number 6: Max
Max
is a very popular name these days. In fact, I have 2 friends who have
boys named Max. But Max just wouldn't do for our family. Let me use it
in context for you. "Maxing and relaxing shootin' some B-ball outside
of school" Don't get me wrong, Fresh Prince rules…if this was the early
90's.

Number 5: Patrick
Patrick is a nice name as
well. But remember, you need to think of nicknames. Surely, savvy
little kids will think to call my poor little kid Pat Ng (Patting). I
know when I was a kid, I would have thought of that. And I would have
made fun of that kid every day at school. And that just ain't right.

Number 4: Penelope
Penelope
is a nice old tyme name (notice I used the vintage lemonade way of
spelling "time") We sort of like the nickname of Penny. But we had to
rule out all names that ended in the "pee" sound. PeneloPEEING would
not have sounded good at all.

Number 3: Chuck
Even if
my son was named Charles, those kids would end up coming him Chuck. And
then he would be teased so much that he will either be the kid who is
anal about being called, "Charles", or the kid who throws up a lot.
Either way, it isn't pretty.

Number 2: Jack
I like the
name Jack. It's strong, friendly, and the name of someone that could be
the shizzle in school. But not with the name Jack Ng (jacking). I can
just hear it now: "What are you jacking Jack? Are you jacking off?"

Number 1: Dick
Ah yes, the ultimate "start your kid off on the wrong foot" name. This really requires no explanation.

There
you have it noodads. The five worst possible names for my kids. How
about you? Were there any names that you eliminated from the decision
pool because it would open your kid up to a lifelong bout of ridicule?
We want to hear about it.

 

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  • Hey, what is the game on that picture? The post is really a bit of fun to me. I guess there are few more names like these. I am going to find out them. Dick deserves to be the number one. But I guess gay has to get a bit more up on the list.
  • There is an old Russian saying, I don't know whether I could translate it correctly, but I'll try: "A ship will sail the way you name it". So, naming your lovely child is really important. And what if you were lucky to get twins??? It becomes a real problem...
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  • My last name rhymes with fart. There's no first name that can take that away :(
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    I have a Dr. who is Dr. Robert Dock, thats right Dr. Dock, and thank goodness he doesn't go by Dick!
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    Dick Nutt. That's funny!
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    I worked with a guy named Richard McNutt. Seriously. He smartly went by Rick.
  • P. Honkenoffsky
    My brother, Gruntwilligar, got off pretty easy with his name. Mom & Pops Honkenoffsky, gave me my name. Puss Honkenoffsky. I just go by P.Honkenoffsky. I am thinkng about changing it. By the way, my brother has a weiner dog. His body is so low to the ground, that his nips have been scraped off. Poor dog. Also, his little wiener sometimes gets scraped too. Poor little dog!
  • Jay G
    I\'ve always hated my real name. Jeremy. It\'s a fine name for a child, but it doesn\'t translate well into adulthood. To people that haven\'t known me my whole life, I go by Jay.

    So, when it came time to name my son, I was adamant that it be an adult (i.e. not cute) name. I saw an ad in an Old Car Trader magazine for a \'51 Hudson Hornet. Knowing the history of that car, I was hooked. I talked my wife into naming him Hudson Graves. I\'ve since found a \'51 Hudson that we\'ll be working on together soon.

    How old do they have to be before they can handle a welder?
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    hilarious!!!!!!! lol, jay neids aboner.
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  • Hero_bcl
    For example, if you name your child Jeeves, he\'ll end up being a butler. Her name is Crystal you say? Yeap, she\'ll be dancing around a pole for lonely salesmen by the time she\'s 21. Now I used to work with a guy named Billy Diamond - not Bill or William, Billy. I personally think he might have had a career in the film industry, and I don\'t mean Paramount.
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    I can\'t believe the Judge\'s name is DICK BONER!
  • My father referred to all of my siblings and I as, \"Hey, one of y\'all come here!\"

    But I have a friend named Dick Diamond. Not gonna get him beat up...gonna do the opposite, get him a lot of potential lay.
    I\'ve always heard stories of twins named
    \"Lemonjello\" and \"Orangejello\" and \"Shithead\"(pronounced sh-th-eed)
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    KSC that\'s a tough one. I think I would \"rother\" name my kid Fergus than Rother.
  • foodad
    PIXICLE IS WITTY! HAHAHAHAA!!!

    :upset :zzz :eek

    HANS JURGEN ORFF!!! HAHAHAA THATS A GOOD ONE! HAHAHAAHAA. HIS BROTHER WAS OLIVER KLOZE ORFF ! HAHAHAHA AND HIS SISTER MARRIED A GUY NAMED PHIL MCCRACKEN!! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!! AND THEY WERE MARRIED BY A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE NAMED JUSTIN CASE!!! HAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHA AND MY REAL NAME IS JOHN MEOFF BY EVERYONE CALLS ME JACK HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHA SO WHEN THEY SAVE MY NAME IT SOUNDS LIKE JACK ME OFF ITS SO EMBARASSING HAHAAHAHAHAHA
  • ksc
    Husband wants to name this baby (due in 16 days) after his dad... Rother. My never-changing repsonse: NOOOOOO!!!!

    My dad\'s business had a customer whose name was Dick Head. No joke! Dick Head!!!
  • Pixicle
    No kidding, there is a director in the company I work for named \"Hans Orff\". Worse than than that, I had to book a flight for him, and his middle name is \"Jergen\"...
  • Sam Elowitch
    I\'m so glad we named our son Henry, after my late father-in-law. It\'s a classic name, but not so terribly common that it\'s boring. He seems to like his name, too, which is a bonus.
  • William Carrasquillo III
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    I Have met a guy back in college named (and this is for real) Michael Hunt, he\'d get really upset when you called him Mike (just say that and his last name and you\'ll understand why). There is also a Dr. over here with the name Wabba W. Wabba (and his initial stands for Wabba), you could just imagine the pages at the hospital, \"Paging Wabba, Dr. Wabba Wabba to the ER.\"
  • Diana
    William,
    I am looking for a William Carrasquillo.. William was born in Lynn,Ma. Can you please responed.
  • deedee
    Just checking where this is going ?
  • brooke
    I worked with a guy whose real name was Haap. I thought it was wierd, and as we were working in a restaurant and people often used \"server names\", I didn\'t entirely believe him. So one day I asked to see his license. Yes, his real name was Haap, and his last name was Peacock. I can only imagine the torment he must have gotten.
  • foodad
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  • chris munch
    With mu last name being Munch my wife wouldn\'t let me name my son Hunter. She said it sounded like a porn star\'s name. In hindsite I have to agree.
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    In regards to childrens first names, how do you think I fared as a lad with the name Gruntwilligar? Yet it could have been worse. I have a cousin named Flintlock and he absolutley hated it when someone would call him \'Flint\'.

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