Going to Childbirth Class Part 2

I admit it. I probably am pretty close to the "scared of everything" noodad that Noodad refers to in part 1. Still, I thought birthing class was going to be a waste of time. I mean, I was born once, so I felt like I could use the wisdom of my past experience to guide me through it. Even though we were both sort of dreading it, my wife and I convinced each other that it would be a good thing. We went to one 10 hour session at the hospital where she was going to deliver our son for we could not bear the thought of multiple sessions. Afterwards, I felt as though I had spent the day with Pai Mei unlocking the secrets of the praying mantis style. Yes, I was greatly enlightened but it was extraordinarily painful.

Thank goodness our instructor was 48 cards short of a full deck. She could have been Roseanne Barr"s sister, voice and all. She was very sarcastic and a little abrasive, but all in all good natured and tried to keep things light even when she was giving us the most important information. For instance, if your water breaks, if you bleed or if you don"t feel the baby kicking then come to the hospital. No, no YOU noodad, your wife, girlfriend or life partner. There are other reasons to go too, so you should go to the class if for no other reason than to learn — all of those reasons.

Videos of Childbirth

You"ll "get to see" at least 4 births on video during the process. I am squeamish about bodily happenings involving blood and fluid. I won"t even watch medical shows (<shiver> medical shows!) In our class, 3 of these came just before lunch with the promise of one shortly after. Who are these people who volunteer themselves for this? They should get reality stars to do. Those people will do anything. First they were on Survivor, then The Amazing Race, now watch Rob and Amber on the Hospital Channel"s Graphic Childbirth. "C"maaawwwwn Ambah. Push em out." Actually, my wife tells me that "V" from survivor was on a Baby Story on TLC. Go figure.

When we got back, Rosanne announced "ok, it"s time to watch another birth." With an enough-is-enough-already tone I said, "Please! I"ve seen enough." and she looked directly at me with a burning look of pure disdain and using that could-shatter-a-highball-glass voice said "YOU NEED TO SEE AT LEAST ONE MORE, MISTER! Joke"s on her. I was totally a sit-up-by-the-head-isnt-there-someone-more-qualified-to-cut-the-chord-man.

Charts and Graphs

After the movies, we looked at some cool charts. There"s one that showed us what our kids" poodad would look like if we were breastfeeding. Another was sort of like a an infant color pallette. Apparently it"s ok if your baby looks a little plaid right after they come out*. They also showed us how a baby"s skull is really soft and that it"s OK if their head is sort of cone shaped when we first meet them.

Something That No One Seems Willing to Share

One thing that very few women seem to know is that they LITERALLY leak for approximately 6 weeks after childbirth. Women apparently do not want to scare one another by letting their friends know that they will be a virtual faucet for a month and half post partum. When my wife asked her friends "Why didn"t you warn me about this?" I sensed that they secretly were amused because their friends never told them either. "Ooooh. Well, we didn"t want to scare <snicker> you."

During the class, Rosanne told us about disposable underwear, these huge, mega-absorbant, pads, stool softener and mega-sized bottles of ibuprofen. My wife leans over to me and is like "pffff, I"m not wearing those or using any of that crap." Fast forward to when we"re leaving the hospital, she was literally stealing as much of this stuff as she could. "I NEED THESE! PUT THEM IN THE BAG NOW!" Even after she used up the last pair of "Shallow Hal" panties, she regretted not poaching a few more.

Getting Your Diploma

If you pay attention in the class, you will learn enough to deliver the baby yourself**. If you pay attention a little, you will learn enough to do your part. Some insurance plans will even pay for the class so there goes your cheaping out excuse. Bottom line is that you will learn a lot! I didn"t mention even a third of the stuff that was covered (like Marconium!). As always, remember that medicine is a lot of science and a lot of art. You need to know what your wife"s wishes are in the event of an emergency and she is unable to communicate them. See: Writing a Kick Ass Birthing Plan for more information

*plaid was not really ok. As I recall, yellowy and greenish weren"t so bad however.

** You will not actually learn this much. Do not attempt this unless you get stuck in a traffic jam on the highway during rush hour and your wife is fully dilated with no doctors around to help you. I bet you"ll get your name in the paper if this happens.

Register to view and post comments. It"s fast, it"s easy and free!