Man Boobs are No Laughing Matter
Posted on 09 23, 2007 under Predad by wahoodad |
In recent years we’ve been beaten over the head about how
fat we are as nation. It seems like you
can’t watch a newscast without some story (complete with from-the-neck-down
shots of anonymous fatties walking down the street with a 32-ounce soda in hand)
airing about how yet another food contributes to packing on the pounds. Of course, nobody wants to hear it. “I’m a grown man!” you shout at the news
anchor, wildly waving a sub sandwich as you recline in your La-Z-Boy. “You’ll have to pry this cheesesteak out of
my cold, dead hands!” Some guys even
treat their beer bellies like some gelatinous badge of honor by wearing
t-shirts that say “Body by Bud” in stretched funhouse mirror letters across
their expansive midsections. It seems
like nothing can get us to pay attention to our expanding waistlines, but a
recent article in the New England Journal of Medicine might just do the
trick: How’d you like a nice set of jugs
to go with your gut?
According Dr. Glenn Braunstein, chair of the department of medicine at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, the number of dudes with boobs is swelling. Braunstein says that at least a third of all men suffer from gynecomastia, the clinical name for those c-cups you hide under bulky clothing. Apparently fat tissue serves a bigger purpose than to just cover you like an undulating beluga whale sweater, or to give your friends ammunition to rag on you after you bluff your way to a pot during your weekly Texas Hold ‘Em game. In fact, fat tissue is quite metabolically active and converts testosterone to estrogen, and can manifest locally on your chest. When you mix glandular tissue with fat tissue in that area, guess what happens? In the good doctor’s words, the result can be “really pendulous breasts”. Did you hear that? Really. Pendulous. Breasts. Keep that in mind when you’re whacking back the Pringles and onion dip during NFL Sunday this week. Instead of heading to Home Depot with a stock list, you’ll be off to Victoria’s Secret to be sized up for a proper-fitting double-barrel slingshot from the Secret Embrace collection.
Let this be a warning, noodads. Shed those pounds before the baby arrives and avoid sympathy weight gain at all costs. Even if your pregnant wife tempts you with a two-for-one sundae coupon from Dairy Queen, let her tackle the Peanut Buster Parfait on her own. It might be cute if your baby tries to suckle on your chest, but it’s a different matter if he can get a better latch on you than his mom. Now, get up from your computer and go for a walk. With a little bit of effort you can help eliminate the threat of a nice set of boobs from becoming a gender-neutral phenomenon.
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Thanks for the kind words.
First, I wrote this in response to an item I saw about a New England Journal of Medicine article, which specifically spoke about the relationship between weight gain and gynecomastia. I am by no means an expert on the subject and do not profess to be one, but I am aware that this affliction is not due solely to overeating. From the statistics given in the article I read (which came from the NEJoM article), 1 in 3 clearly translates to a common condition in my eyes. Although I don\\\'t suffer from this, I saw a documentary on this condition as it pertains to breast cancer in men. I realize that watching this show hardly gives me a glimpse into what it is like living with gynecomastia, but I don\\\'t think any guy could have watched it and not sympathized with a man on screen wrapping an ace bandage around his torso because of his embarrasment at his condition, even though he did nothing to bring it upon himself.
Secondly, here at noodad.com we write in a style to entertain and inform our intended demographic. As a result, even the most sensitive of topics typically gets a lighter and more humorous treatment than you\\\'d find in a scientific journal or an encyclopedia entry. In fact, if you strip out the vernacular from the above paragraphs, the summary would be that: a. A recent NEJoM article shows a strong link between weight gain and gynecomastia; b. a brief description from the doctor about how this happens; and c. don\\\'t let this happen to you if you can avoid it. I don\\\'t think that\\\'s so bad, and I contend that any man who suffers from gynecomastia would encourage those who could avoid getting it (specifically through excess weight gain) to do exactly that.
Now, I\\\'ve been out of diapers for some time, and I don\\\'t plan to be back in them for at least fifty more years if I can help it. As a stay-at-home dad, I\\\'ve changed a lot of soiled diapers, which has made me the most proficient of bottom wipers--including my own. If I indeed had the flexibility to put my head between my legs, I\\\'m certain I wouldn\\\'t smell feces.
Finally, for someone who seems sensitive about making light of medical conditions, I\\\'m surprised you implied that I defecate in my pants. Apparently you have no regard for sufferers of Bowel/Fecal Incontinence, the clinical name for an affliction that causes some of its sufferers to soil themselves with painfully embarrassing regularity. That\\\'s rather callous of you.
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