Man Boobs are No Laughing Matter
Posted on 09 23, 2007 under Predad by wahoodad | Comments
In recent years we’ve been beaten over the head about how
fat we are as nation. It seems like you
can’t watch a newscast without some story (complete with from-the-neck-down
shots of anonymous fatties walking down the street with a 32-ounce soda in hand)
airing about how yet another food contributes to packing on the pounds. Of course, nobody wants to hear it. “I’m a grown man!” you shout at the news
anchor, wildly waving a sub sandwich as you recline in your La-Z-Boy. “You’ll have to pry this cheesesteak out of
my cold, dead hands!” Some guys even
treat their beer bellies like some gelatinous badge of honor by wearing
t-shirts that say “Body by Bud” in stretched funhouse mirror letters across
their expansive midsections. It seems
like nothing can get us to pay attention to our expanding waistlines, but a
recent article in the New England Journal of Medicine might just do the
trick: How’d you like a nice set of jugs
to go with your gut?
According Dr. Glenn Braunstein, chair of the department of medicine at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, the number of dudes with boobs is swelling. Braunstein says that at least a third of all men suffer from gynecomastia, the clinical name for those c-cups you hide under bulky clothing. Apparently fat tissue serves a bigger purpose than to just cover you like an undulating beluga whale sweater, or to give your friends ammunition to rag on you after you bluff your way to a pot during your weekly Texas Hold ‘Em game. In fact, fat tissue is quite metabolically active and converts testosterone to estrogen, and can manifest locally on your chest. When you mix glandular tissue with fat tissue in that area, guess what happens? In the good doctor’s words, the result can be “really pendulous breasts”. Did you hear that? Really. Pendulous. Breasts. Keep that in mind when you’re whacking back the Pringles and onion dip during NFL Sunday this week. Instead of heading to Home Depot with a stock list, you’ll be off to Victoria’s Secret to be sized up for a proper-fitting double-barrel slingshot from the Secret Embrace collection.
Let this be a warning, noodads. Shed those pounds before the baby arrives and avoid sympathy weight gain at all costs. Even if your pregnant wife tempts you with a two-for-one sundae coupon from Dairy Queen, let her tackle the Peanut Buster Parfait on her own. It might be cute if your baby tries to suckle on your chest, but it’s a different matter if he can get a better latch on you than his mom. Now, get up from your computer and go for a walk. With a little bit of effort you can help eliminate the threat of a nice set of boobs from becoming a gender-neutral phenomenon.

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January 21, 2008 at 8:43 am
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