Oh, The Abuse You Will Know

Remember the time you were walking down the street, minding your own business, and you stepped on an errant rollerskate and went sliding out of control towards a the subway station stairway where you then proceeded to fall down 40 steps and land on a yak? or in some yak? the technicolor yawn kind! Even if that was succeeded by a piano landing on your head, that day was child”s play compared to the mental abuse you are going to experience in the delivery room.

We all remember the scene from Alien where the alien larvae busts through the guy”s stomach. That was AWESOME. Well this isn”t like that, it IS that. The baby wants out, she wants it out and it”s more painful than 20 consecutive “humilating kicks in the crotch” to do so.

The great Bill Cosby talks about how his wife stood up in the middle of labor and announced that his parents were never married. In order to descibe the pain, she also opted to grab his bottom lip and pull it up over his forehead. My wife kindly explained to me that if I did not do everything she requested, she would strangle me with the umbilical cord or any available cord, cable or wire.

If she tells you to eat something and a split second later asks you “WHY ARE YOU EATING AROUND ME?”, just stop eating. If she says “WHY ARE YOU NOT NEAR ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT?” and you are not near her, you should be prepared for one of the following the SECOND that you get close to her: “WHY ARE YOU SO NEAR ME?” or “WHY ARE YOU EATING THAT AROUND ME?” Oops! You forgot to put down the food that you were not supposed to be eating after she told you to eat something. I should have told you to put down the food before you go over, shouldn”t I have?

The important thing in the delivery room is to be the quietest, most helpful, encouraging and obedient version of yourself as possible. You should be as dry as Weetabix and as unimaginative as is humanly possible. You should be as boring as the Lifetime Movie Network. This is not the time for wit Dane-Cook-wannabe-dad. Oh no. Sarcasm is not appreciated in the delivery room, nor are compliments. “Push Honey, Push!” may followed by “SHUT UP!”, “I CAAAAAAN”T” or “YOU ARE FINANCIALLY AND SEXUALLY FEEBLE”. This does not mean you should stop the encouragement, you just need to be as solid as one of those giant combine tractor tires. Those things are yooj. Because she is delirious, you need to make sure that you have gone over what she wants and does not want in the event that something unexpected happens. Know whether or not she wants an epidural and try to pay attention to whatevery any doctor or nurse is telling her in case you need to make any decisions. Try to be the one who is relaxed and encourage her to keep an open mind and to push whenever she is suppsoed to. Tell her that you love her even when she says that she loathes the piss soaked clothing on your back.

Summary: If she is hungry, it will be your doing. If she is in pain, it will be your fault. Take it like a man. Continue to encourage. Don”t hold it against her. Once the kid pops out, you will not remember a single word she said until several weeks later. The good news is that it will be funny then! Win/Win!

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