“The Alien Inside My Wife” and Other Ultrasound Discoveries

If your wife is pregnant and it still hasn't hit you, the ultrasound marks the instance in which the world falls out from under your feet. What once was just the idea of a living breathing kid in an instant becomes a living breathing thing that you see with your own eyes.

In a typical pregnancy, the first ultrasound is scheduled around the 18th week of pregnancy. At this point of the pregnancy, even though the little tax deduction is only about 8 inches long, it has enough features to look like something you can relate to.

But it ain't all just oohs and ahhs during this ultrasound. There are a number of things you will discover about your kid, your wife, and yourself when you attend an ultrasound for the first time. In no particular order, I, Noodad, present to you the definitive list of ultrasound discoveries. Consider yourself warned.

The Alien Inside My Wife
You will see pictures of your unborn kid right there on the monitor. You will no doubt get the nice silhouette shot of the kid. But as the technician is firing off pictures for your personal collection, there may come a time when the cute little peanut you are tearing up about will face the camera and look like an alien love child implanted inside your wife. The ultrasound will sometimes pick up the deep eye sockets or the pronounced spine of your kid and it will look like alien versus predator. Don't worry—there will be no V-like half-lizard births in your future. (Unless of course, you are an alien and in that case I want my kidney back).

{mosnooad}Ma Bell and the Ill Communication
Do not plan on conducting a conference call or giving a phone interview while in the ultrasound. In fact, most ultrasound offices will tell you to turn off all cell phones before even entering the waiting room. This does not mean put on vibrate. It means turn it off (like on an airplane). I do not know the exact reason why but I assume it is because of the sensitive equipment. I would put it on the sensitivity chart somewhere between playing a highly competitive game of Jenga and disarming a nuclear bomb.

Wait for it…wait for it!!!
You may be there for one reason and one reason only: to find out the gender of your kid. You want to know what color to paint the nursery and whether to put your kid's name down on the Patriots Season Ticket waiting list. But the appointment is important in ways beyond discovering the gender. You will be tempted to pull a Leroy Jenkins and get an answer ASAP. Before you go and yell, "Time's up. Let's do this." try to show a little patience. The technician knows that is important and they will get to it, but they need to find out more important things first like cranium size and a beating heart.

The Backroom
In the middle of the ultrasound, the tech will take a bunch of pics and walk out of the room. What are they doing you ask? I suspect they are posting them on the internet site: www.alienbabyphotos.com. Seriously though, there are a number of measurements that need to be made to check developmental benchmarks and to date the pregnancy. I'm not sure why that can't bring the protractor and Schaedler Rule into the room but maybe they need to make a cell phone call. Anyways, the dude will return and you will be on your way.

They are going to put what into what?
In some case, especially ultrasounds taken earlier in pregnancy, an intrauteran ultrasound will be performed. Sometimes, the fetus is just too small to get a good image so the transmitter needs to get closer. Basically this is a metal stick with a blinking beacon of hope attached to the end of it. And you guessed it—it's inserted into your wife's holiest of holys. They do actually put a condom on it. I guess they are afraid it will impregnante your wife 2 times over. Kinky right? You may think so but your wife won't and I caution you to even think about suggesting it is. Don't worry it isn't really blinking.

Cheap Ass Photo Paper
You should consider some way of preserving the ultrasound pics after you bring them home. The images are printed with lousy ink on lousy glossy paper. The toner can chip and it will definitely fade over time. If you are going to frame it make sure the glass has UV protection. Or better yet, scan it in and keep it digitally.

So now you saw the goods. It's going to get even more real in a few months. Savor this special time with the incubator…er…wife. Good luck noodads.

Special note: My wife and I took our son to the ultrasound on monday. I am pleased to announce that my daughter and son will be joined by a baby brother in March.