The Identity Puzzle – 6 Ideas for Filling in the Pieces

As a member of the international adoption community, nothing burns me up more than a parent who thinks that just because the kid is now under their care and becomes their child, they immediately relinquish their original nationality. “She"s an American now!”

I often wonder if this is the kind of selfishness that leads to tweens and teenagers full of identity crises, senses of loss and resentment. Some people have video cameras and do not use them on their adoption day sighting that they probably will not watch them.  When you become a dad, it is no longer all about you. Your daughter or son will want to watch that video.  You already know that a lot of your soon-to-be son or daughter’s past is a puzzle, you should want to help them fill in as much of that puzzle as possible.  Kids are extremely inquisitive.  Their brains are like little sponges that suck up every drop of knowledge they possibly can.  And they do love to ask questions. 

It is true that when your daughter enters into your family, unless you already are of that nationality, she will never truly be just like a kid who grew up in that country.  As her dad, you can help her fill in some of those pieces and keep her as linked as possible to her roots. Here are some suggestions.

1) Keep her entire birth name.

This really is not a suggestion. It’s a must.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t also give her an American, Spanish, German, Czech or whatever name, but incorporate her (for example) Chinese name into that name.  If your daughter was given the name Gao Fei Xue and you really wanted to name her Kaye Renee Finkelstein, Kaye Renee Fei Xue (flying snow!) Gao Finkelstein is not too much to put on her birth certificate.  Do not get cute and try to mix it up or choose a piece that YOU like. Remember, it’s not all about you. Often the name of the city she came from is used as the surname.  This will link her to others in the same situation.  Learn how to say her name properly.  Learn how to write it in her native language.  Go the extra mile to do so. It’s really not that hard.

2) Send her to language school.

Yes, you need to go also.  How is she going to communicate with elders or natives from her country if she doesn’t have a piece of the language?  Besides, it’s good for her brain. Yours too. Get off the couch and go. Yes, your bio kids should also go. And if your parents think it is cool to be called ye ye and nai nai, your bio kids (if you have them) should call them that as well.  One of my parents tried to pull a little switcheroo. If it"s good for one, it"s good for all.

3) Start/Join a FLO playgroup and participate often.

FLO = Families Like Ours.  Aside from typical playgroups, it is nice to connect with parents with children from your daughter’s country. This lets them know that they are not alone and allows them to form strong bonds to kids from their country.  If you are lucky, you may live close to some kids who have known your daughter longer than you.

4) Form relationships with adults.

It is important that your daughter has some kind of relationship with adults from her nation.  Not only are they probably good folks, they can help with culture questions.

5) Celebrate a holiday.

I’m not talking about saying “Happy Chinese New Year”. Chinese New Year has as much or more depth as Christmas.  Learn the traditions. Give your kids hong bao.  Encourage your parents to do the same.  Go see a Lion dance. Check some kid books out of the library. Buy a chun lian and hang it in your doorway. Maybe even learn what it says.  It will be fun!

6) Do not badmouth the country she is from.

So maybe they would not let you take a picture of something you found interesting. Maybe you were ushered from place to place and not allowed to explore the “real” country.  Maybe you do not agree with the government’s policies.  You were not there to explore.  You were not there to protest.  You were there on a mission.  Explore on your own time.  Talk about how she comes from a beautiful nation. Instill her with a sense of pride and reassure her that her home land is a beautiful place. Visit it as much as possible.