The Predad Dictionary Part 1: Vagina

Posted on 07 09, 2006 under Predad by Noodad |

As a soon-to-be-dad you will be confronted with some terms that are confusing, strange, and downright-alien. Never fear! Like Frank and Buster of the Koala Brothers, "We"re here to help!" Study them pre-dads. You will be exposed to these terms, and knowledge of them will earn you some serious points with the wife. I am proud to present the first installment of the Predad Dictionary. For this installment, we will concentrate on terms pertaining to the vaginal area. Some of these terms are gruesome but better you hear it from me than discovering it for yourself.

 

PERINEUM
Noodad Definition: To put it bluntly, it is the skin between the vagina and the rectum.
Why You Need To Know It: Because it is the part of the mother"s body that can tear during vaginal childbirth, because massaging that area prior to birth can help with the tearing, and because I"m sure you would like any excuse to massage that area.

BLOODY SHOW
Noodad Definition: This does not refer to the latest Wes Craven movie. This is the term for a small amount of vaginal bleeding that typically precedes labor.
Why You Need To Know It: Because it is scary as hell and you need to not freak out when it happens.

HOAGIE
Noodad Definition: Besides the Philadelphia area term for an italian sub sandwich, some recovery room nurses consider a "hoagie" as a stack of items used to heal the vaginal area post-birth. It typically consists of a large maxipad, ice pack, vaseline, and Tucks medicated pads held together by an adult diaper.
Why You Need To Know It: Because, if you go through a vaginal birth, your wife will need it after you go home and you may need to buy supplies. After the birth of my daughter, I was forced to go to CVS with a list that included: maxipads, vaseline, Tucks pads, and adult diapers. If I can save another one of you noodads from that awkward checkout process, I will. Do yourself a favor and have your wife buy the stuff prebirth.

MUCUS PLUG
Noodad Definition: The clear or slightly pink cork that blocks bacteria from entering the cervix.
Why You Need To Know It: Because it means, the cervix is dilating and it"s almost time for the kid to come.

DILATION
Noodad Definition: The amount the cervix has opened. When the cervix dilates to 10cm, it is called "fully dilated" and it is time to push.
Why You Need To Know It: Because the doctor will be fingering your wife and then telling you a number. You should know what that number means.

EFFACEMENT
Noodad Definition: The thinning of the cervix. You need to be 100% effaced and fully dilated before the pushing can start.
Why You Need To Know It: Because you could hear that doctor say that she is fully dilated and you need to know to ask about the effacement before you get your hopes up about pushing.

EPISIOTOMY
Noodad Definition: An incision made to the perineum during vaginal childbirth. This is done to prevent tearing of the area.
Why You Need To Know It: The doctor may take a knife to the last area of her body you want to see a knife. Pretty self-explanatory.

Good luck noodads. You more experienced guys, please add to the list by posting comments below.

 

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