The Predad Dictionary Part 3: Pre-natal Tests

As
a dad-to-be you will be confronted with some terms that are confusing,
strange, and downright-alien. Never fear! Like Frank and Buster of the
Koala Brothers, "We're here to help!" Study them pre-dads. You will be
exposed to these terms, and knowledge of them will earn you some
serious points with the wife.

I am proud to present the third installment of the Predad Dictionary.
For this installment, we will concentrate on terms pertaining to tests
and checkpoints during pregnancy. Basically any thing that involves a
needle, a vial, or a machine touching your wife can be found here.

BLOOD AND URINE TESTS
Noodad Definition: These tests are routine. Both will be taken during
the first prenatal visit. Most often, urine samples will be taken and
tested at every visit thereafter. These are taken for a variety of
reasons including testing for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs),
antibodies to show whether she is immune to rubella and chickenpox,
anemia, bacteria in the urine, sugar in the urine, protein in the
urine, and the RH Factor.

Why You Need To Know It: Because any of these tests coming up positive
is not a tragedy, but an early detection of a potentially dangerous
condition to your future kid. That and you should always know when your
wife has to pee in anything besides a toilet.

RH FACTOR
Noodad Definition: A protein on your wife's red blood cells. A lack of
them means your wife is RH negative and may require treatment to
prevent passing on a dangerous blood problem to your kid.

Why You Need To Know It: Because if you don't know it already, you will
need to know your blood type. Let me try to put it in simplest terms:
If your wife is RH-negative and you are RH-positive, there is a chance
that your kid will inherit your RH-positive blood. Because the mother
and fetus share blood in utero, your wife may develop antibodies to
destroy the foreign RH-positive blood in the fetus. This will cause at
worst case scenario a stillborn child. Scary stuff. When my wife was
pregnant with our first kid, I didn't know what my blood type was. So I
decided to do something good and give blood at the hospital and find
out my blood type that way. It was a good way t do a good thing and get
the info I needed.

CF SCREEN
Noodad Definition: A blood or saliva sample is taken to test whether
you or your wife carry the abnormal gene that causes cystic fibrosis,
an uncured disease that affects breathing and digestion.

Why You Need To Know It: Because it is an optional test. Cystic
Fibrosis is a disease that occurs only when both the mother and father
carry the abnormal gene. But a positive result can cause many stress,
and, depending on your view on abortion, many decisions. People with
cystic fibrosis usually only live to their thirties.

PREECLAMPSIA
Noodad Definition: A dangerous condition that occurs in 5-8% of women.
Symptoms include protein in the urine (thus the tests every checkup)
and high blood pressure. It can cause serious complications like poor
fetal growth.

Why You Need To Know It: Because it is treatable, but only when they
know it exists. It is really important that you make sure your wife
goes to all her doctor's appointments.

DOPPLER
Noodad Definition: A handheld device that is used to hear the baby's heartbeat.

Why You Need To Know It: Because hearing the heartbeat for the first
time will make the manliest of men, weep. And it looks like one of
those Bullet hand mixers.

ULTRASOUND
Noodad Definition: A machine that allows you to see the first pictures
of your baby. Using a device called a transducer and sound waves, you
will be able to see an image of your pride and joy.

Why You Need To Know It: Because the technician will put a jelly like
substance on your wife's belly and although tempting, you should not
see what it tastes like. Also this is the time where you will find out
what the gender is of your kid. (Should you choose to find out of
course.) Finally, you should be aware, that in some cases, it may be
necessary to stick something up your wife's vagina during this test.
You should know this because…well…you should be warned anytime anything
is stuck up your wife's vagina.

One more thing to note: this is a test you should never miss. I don't
care if you have tickets to the Super Bowl, you do not miss this event.
It is the single most exciting and important event of the pregnancy.

AMNIOCENTESIS
Noodad Definition: A thin needle is inserted into your wife's abdomen
and uterus to test for certain birth defects and other conditions.

Why You Need To Know It: Because this is not a test you just elect to
do. There is a small risk of miscarriage during this test (1 in 200 or
less). It's a friggin needle inserted into your wife's body! If
amniocentesis becomes an option it is normally because there is a
suspicion of an issue and this test is necessary.

CHORIONIC VILLUS SAMPLING (CVS)
Noodad Definition: A thin tube is inserted into the vagina and a tiny
tissue sample is taken from outside the sac. Performed for women 35
years or older or those who have previous history to test for for down
syndrome and other chromosomal conditions.

Why You Need To Know It: This also has a risk of miscarriage (1 in 100
or less) but like amniocentesis, the test is performed when it is
absolutely necessary. Also, some people think this test increases the
risk of birth defects like missing fingers or toes.

GLUCOSE SCREENING
Noodad Definition: Your wife takes a drink of glucose, then an hour
afterwards gives a blood sample. High blood sugar levels in the tested
sample indicates a risk for gestational diabetes.

Why You Need To Know It: It will take your wife up to 3 hours from
start to finish. If you are going with her, bring some things to do.

GROUP B STREP (GBS)
Noodad Definition: A test to see whether your wife has Group B Strep
bacterium in her vagina or anus. If so, she will be given antibiotics
during labor and delivery to prevent transmitting to the baby.

Why You Need To Know It: Because, when you go to the hospital for the
big day, your wife will be asked whether she had been tested for GBS
and I guarantee, when you figure out what they are talking about, you
will be like, "WTF?"

Good luck noodads. You more experienced guys, please add to the list by posting comments below.

Some other Predad Entries:
Predad Dictionary 1: Vagina
Predad Dictionary 2: Baby Gifts
Boy or Girl? Should You Find Out?