What’s in the Diaper: The Inside Poop on Poop

THIS POST WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED APRIL 2006

Among the litany of items on your hospital’s Jiffy Lube Signature Service-esque checklist of newborn must-do’s is the critical first deuce. The inaugural bowel movement kicks off a new world for you—one where you’ll be privy to more ass-muck than a Port-A-Potty at a chili cook-off. Along this soiled road you’ll experience an array of textures, a host of nauseating scents, and more shades of brown than Benjamin Moore’s color wheel; especially in the first year. Here’s a primer on your child’s excrement evolutionary chart.

The Number One Number Two
Your kid’s first dump is unlike anything you’ll ever remember coming out of your own body. Instead of anything log-like, you’ll be greeted with a sticky greenish-black puddle. This nasty oil slick is called meconium, and it is completely normal. But it’s also dangerous, and not for its dinosaur-choking, La Brea Tar Pit viscosity. Your child can get pretty sick if he/she releases and inhales it during labor, which isn’t uncommon. It’s beyond your control and very treatable. Doctors are used to dealing with it, so don’t freak out.

Gulden’s, French’s or Grey Poo-pon
Once the meconium is fully flushed out, junior whips up a seedy yellow colon cocktail. This is the poop stage when your child feeds solely on breast milk or formula. It’s also the stage at which you’re most likely to encounter the dreaded Blowout. You’ll hear a squishy trumpet blast followed by a soft sigh of relief. Then you’ll realize your hands are getting wet even though you’re lifting the child by his/her armpits to go change the diaper. Disposable Diaper Engineers are hard at work trying to solve this phenomenon. DDEs walk a fine line in determining an acceptable elasticity on leg- and waist-banding. Too much, and blood circulation is compromised. Too little, and parents are forced to scissor off their kid’s clothes more frequently than an ER triage nurse. Until the turd technicians at Huggies and Pampers figure this out, you’re on your own.

A special note about the liquid-diet only poop stage: May whatever God to whom you pray offer your nasal passages sweet salvation if your child ends up drinking prescription formula (necessary if he/she will not breastfeed and can’t hold down the off-the-shelf stuff). The goop produced by this horrendous-yet-vital nectar gives off an unholy marriage of noxious fumes unparalleled in your brain’s olfactory library.

Taking Shape
At around 4-6 months (depending on your pediatrician’s recommendation), you’ll introduce a flaky little number known as rice cereal into your baby’s diet. This lighter-than-air food-dust is gentle on the digestive system and produces a Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop effect. You’re now dealing with pliable semi-solids as your kid gets used to solid foods.

Fully Formed
After 6 months (again, depending on your child’s pediatrician), your baby is introduced to pureed delights from the good folks at Gerber. This is when you get some variety in the diaper dirt. The poop starts to smell and look like the commode-candy with which you are familiar, each movement like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates—you never know what you’re gonna get. This is how the Luvs Lottery remains until it’s time for potty training, when you’ll be exposed to an entirely different realm of rectum rope.

When you make it this far you’re an official graduate of the School of Scatological Sciences. Be sure to pass along your newfound wisdom to other Noodads out there.