What Not to Say During Labor: A Cheatsheet

Posted on 11 14, 2006 under Predad by Noodad | Comments

592606_brand_new_teethDuring labor there may be some filthy things coming out of your wife's mouth. She may normally be the nicest person in the world, but in this time of physical and emotional trauma, you may see her transform into a sailor in the South Pacific. This may seem funny in principle, but believe me, it isn't.

The problem lies in the fact that although your wife may forget all the things that she says to you during labor, she will remember every single word you say, or mutter under your breath.

It's a losing proposition, my friends. That is why I, Noodad, am
pleased to present to you, a cheatsheet for how to respond to your wife
during labor. In each example, I will explain the scenario, present the
typical "wife in labor" statement, give you responses that will keep
you out of the doghouse, and list things you should absolutely not say.


SCENARIO: Your wife's water breaks
HER STATEMENT: "Honey, my water just broke."
WHAT TO SAY: "OK. Are you ok? Let me get the number of the doctor and call ahead to the hospital. Can I get you anything?"
WHAT NOT TO SAY: "Oh shit. What do we do now?"

{mosnooad}SCENARIO: Your wife's water breaks on your leather couch
HER STATEMENT: "Honey, my water just broke. I'm sorry, I got it on our couch!"
WHAT TO SAY: "Don't worry about it. It's just a couch. Are you ok? The important thing is that you are ok. Let me get the number of the doctor and call ahead to the hospital. Can I get you anything?"
WHAT NOT TO SAY: "The couch! Nooooooo! That's our leather couch! Couldn't you have hosed down that ugly carpet instead?"

SCENARIO: Your wife is in the car on the way to the hospital
HER STATEMENT: "How much longer until we get there? Did you call my mother?"
WHAT TO SAY: "We'll be there in approximately 6 minutes. I called your sister-in-law and she will start the phone chain. I told her that we would call your mother when we get settled in the hospital and when you have a better opportunity to talk."
WHAT NOT TO SAY: "What is the best way to get to the hospital?" or "I forgot to bring my cell phone."

SCENARIO: Your wife has a contraction
HER STATEMENT: "Ooooh. Uggghh. That was a stronger one"
WHAT TO SAY: "How are you doing? Do you need more ice chips? What can I do for you?"
WHAT NOT TO SAY: "All that oohing and ahhing is turning me on."

SCENARIO: Your wife wants you to hold her hand
HER STATEMENT: "Hold my hand."
WHAT TO SAY: "OK."
WHAT NOT TO SAY: "I need to just finish checking my voicemail. One second hon."

SCENARIO: Your wife wants a drink, a backrub, a lollipop, the TV on, her phone, more drugs, less drugs, a pickle sandwich, you to get the hell out of her sight.
HER STATEMENT: "Honey, I want __________."
WHAT TO SAY: "Whatever you want honey."
WHAT NOT TO SAY: Everything other than full compliance to her demands is strongly discouraged.

SCENARIO: Your wife is in pain and says something she doesn't mean
HER STATEMENT: "I hate you for doing this to me."
WHAT TO SAY: "OK." or "I know honey. I love you."
WHAT NOT TO SAY: "You weren't complaining 9 months ago in the hotel room in Cabo"

SCENARIO: Your wife drops the deuce while pushing out the kid
HER STATEMENT: ((Silence))
WHAT TO SAY: ((Silence))
WHAT NOT TO SAY: "Dang girl, that's some nasty sh*t!"

SCENARIO: The baby is partially out and it is freaky looking
HER STATEMENT: "Arggghhhh. Is it beautiful? Argggghhh!"
WHAT TO SAY: "Yes. It's beautiful."
WHAT NOT TO SAY: "I think I just threw up a little in my mouth."

There you have it guys. Study this closely. One wrong comment in the heat of the moment could render you in a world of hurt for a very long time. And who can blame her? She's the one pushing that kid out of her body. You owe it to her to keep your smart ass trap shut for a few hours. Good luck noodads.

 

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