What Not to Tell Your Co-Workers About the FInal Day of Pregnancy

A couple of months ago, I wrote an article entitled, “What Not to Tell Your Co-Workers About Your Pregnant Wife”. In the article I reasoned, “Sometimes, when we are at work, we feel compelled to tell stories and share items of information about the pregnancy that we probably should not share. There are some things that
should be between you and her.”

That was sound advice. But while the first bath of advice covered more
general topics like morning sickness, pregnancy side effects, and
naming disagreements, this installment will deal with more specific
points of wisdom. The following is a handy guide to help you determine
what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable when talking about the
final days of pregnancy to your co-workers.

On How She Feels
Appropriate: I am so grateful for how amazing my wife is for staying positive through all her body changes and exhaustion.
Inappropriate: She whines and bitches all day. She tosses and turns all night. She feels like crap.
Explanation: Even if that is the case, your colleagues do not need to
hear about it. Plus, for any people who are using your experience as a
way to pressure test their own pregnancy ambitions, you have just done
a tremendous disservice to them. If you are frustrated, find a pillow,
bring it into a closet, and scream into it. Or work out some aggression
on some pimply 12 year-old kid on XBox 360.

{mosnooad}On Time of Labor
Appropriate: Any time is fine as long as the kid is full term and
healthy. I can’t wait for the kid to come! It is going to be a magical
time and I can’t wait to hold him/her in my arms.
Inappropriate: The kid better come either today or tomorrow but
definitely not wednesday because I don’t want to miss, LOST, and it
better not be saturday night because I don’t want to miss my poker
night.
Explanation: Time is a luxury that you better get used to not having.
When you are a dad, you take whatever special events you can manage to
squeak out but never do they trump the needs of your kid. Especially
the birth.

On Paternity Leave
Appropriate: I’m looking forward to holding my kid and helping my wife out during this transition time.
Inappropriate: Later suckas! Looks like I got more vacation time to watch back episodes of LOST and work on my poker game.
Explanation: The first week or so is a very good opportunity to bond
with your kid. Savor your time away from work and dedicate it to your
family.

On Dilation
Appropriate: My wife has started to dilate so it looks like it shouldn’t be long before the baby comes.
Inappropriate: The baby doctor stuck her fingers up my wife and said she was dilating.
Explanation: Although probably technically correct, way too much
information. Besides, anything that involves fingers and your wife’s
holiest of holys should be reserved for you and your wife.

On Contractions
Appropriate: It seems that contractions have started and it’s just a matter of time now.
Inappropriate: She’s moaning like it’s our honeymoon every 15 minutes. I don’t know whether to be turned on or freaked out.
Explanation: There is nothing public about the groans and moans your wife makes.

Noodads, when in doubt, the best course of action is to keep your fat
trap shut. If you keep those words in, they can’t come back to ruin
your world. We are lucky to have trivial things like this to worry
about. We don’t have the impending doom of pushing a watermelon through
our pee holes. Give your wife her props. Good luck noodads.