What Not to Tell Your Co-Workers About Your Pregnant Wife

People get curious about pregnancy. Even with complete strangers, people feel entitled to ask questions. “When are you due?” “Is this your first?” “Do you know what you are having?” For us guys, we miss out on these moments. No one cares that we didn’t sleep well, or that we have horrible gas, or that we huff and puff when we walk up the stairs. They don’t care because we aren’t carrying the kid.

But pregnancy is as big of a deal for you as it is for her. Sometimes, when we are at work, we feel compelled to tell stories and share items of information about the pregnancy that we probably should not share. There are some things that should be between you and her.

To help you understand the difference, here is a handy reference guide to help you determine what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable when talking about your pregnant wife to co-workers:

On Morning Sickness
Appropriate: My wife has really bad morning sickness.
Inappropriate: I went into the bathroom and there she was, curled in the fetal position in her underwear on the bathroom tile dry heaving.
Explanation: Although I applaud your descriptiveness, the everyday listener does not care about specifics nor do they want a mental picture painted in their minds. They simply want to know whether to “hypothetically” think of your wife during her traumatic time in her pregnancy

On Body Changes
Appropriate: My wife has a glow about her. She is a very beautiful pregnant woman.
Inappropriate: Her boobs are huge! I mean porn star huge! I can’t stop ogling her!
Explanation: Even if her boobs are badass looking, it is not the place to objectify her in front of your colleagues.

On Appetite
Appropriate: Her appetite has increased. She ate an entire gallon of ice cream in one day!
Inappropriate: My wife has been eating us out of the house and I am concerned about her eating. She’s hungrier than a hostage.
Explanation: Once again, no one really cares about your own problems. If you are concerned, take it up with your wife. A funny anecdote like eating a gallon of ice cream is acceptable and a moderately entertaining piece of information.

On Pregnancy Side Effects
Appropriate: Do not even discuss any of these points outside of you and your wife.
Inappropriate: Dude, my wife has a serious bout with hemorrhoids. She can’t even sit down anymore without yelping in pain.
Explanation: Although these items are a fact of pregnancy, they can be incredibly embarrassing to your wife. No one wants to know about your anal fissure but how would you like your wife to tell her playgroup moms about that?

On Baby Naming Disagreements
Appropriate: My wife and I have not found a name we can agree on yet.
Inappropriate: My wife likes “Greg” but I think that is a stupid-ass name.
Explanation: It is one thing to have an opinion on what names you like but do not degrade her opinions in front of your co-workers without her opportunity to defend herself. That ain’t cool, man.

Use this guide as a reference, noodads, and you will preserve a healthy relationship with your wife and with your co-workers. Good luck.