Oh, The Abuse You Will Know
Posted on 02 20, 2008 under Predad by foodad | 2 Comments
Remember the time you were walking down the street, minding your own business, and you stepped on an errant rollerskate and went sliding out of control towards a the subway station stairway where you then proceeded to fall down 40 steps and land on a yak? or in some yak? the technicolor yawn kind! Even if that was succeeded by a piano landing on your head, that day was child”s play compared to the mental abuse you are going to experience in the delivery room.
We all remember the scene from Alien where the alien larvae busts through the guy”s stomach. That was AWESOME. Well this isn”t like that, it IS that. The baby wants out, she wants it out and it”s more painful than 20 consecutive “humilating kicks in the crotch” to do so.
The great Bill Cosby talks about how his wife stood up in the middle of labor and announced that his parents were never married. In order to descibe the pain, she also opted to grab his bottom lip and pull it up over his forehead. My wife kindly explained to me that if I did not do everything she requested, she would strangle me with the umbilical cord or any available cord, cable or wire.
Parents take youth sports seriously. Sometimes more seriously than their kids do. Combine the rabid nature of getting your kid to excel in sports with the changing landscape in equal rights and you have a potential powder keg brewing on the little league field.
Racial equality is a hot topic in my household. Maybe it's because my neighbor's dog is racist. He never barks at anyone else except me. I, of course, am the only person that is not white in my entire neighborhood. If I were to decipher his angry bark I would no doubt hear, "Go back to where you come from, you foreigner." 
This article is born out of comments from wahoodad
So
You’ll notice many quirky behaviors by your spouse during her pregnancy, many of them hormonally driven. Whether you like it or not, you’ll be affected by these behaviors, too. Around the fifth month (on average, but can occur later in some women) you’ll take part in a phenomenon known as “nesting”.
The Keebler Elves came up with twelve cents. Tony the Tiger pitched in seventeen. Reckitt Benckiser chipped in a dollar and I don’t even know who they are. Every time I visit the local grocery store major retail brands make a small contribution to my child’s college fund. It comes in nickels and dimes, often with little initiative on my part. This effortless fundraising occurs because my wife took two minutes to register our family with UPromise, an organization that links corporations willing to donate money to people like me who are willing to accept it. 
It"s always the same story: Your kid is cranky so it must be teething. Your kid has a fever so it must be teething. Your kid can"t sleep so it must be teething. Teething will be the Bill Buckner for every abnormal symptom your kid displays between the ages of 4 months and 1 year. No matter what other factors contribute to your kid being a total crank butt will be blamed on one scapegoat, teething. But what if your kid really is teething? How do you possibly deal with the horror? Here"s what you Noodads need to know. 
Today I held my daughter still while she screamed in pain. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But it needed to be done. See, my daughter got a splinter in her hand this morning on the jungle gym. It was only about a quarter inch long but it took my wife 20 minutes to get it out. Here"s what you need to know should your kid get a splinter: 
I admit it. I probably am pretty close to the "scared of everything" noodad that Noodad refers to in part 1. Still, I thought birthing class was going to be a waste of time. I mean, I was born once, so I felt like I could use the wisdom of my past experience to guide me through it. Even though we were both sort of dreading it, my wife and I convinced each other that it would be a good thing. We went to one 10 hour session at the hospital where she was going to deliver our son for we could not bear the thought of multiple sessions. Afterwards, I felt as though I had spent the day with Pai Mei unlocking the secrets of the praying mantis style. Yes, I was greatly enlightened but it was extraordinarily painful.
