That can be really stressful—juggling
concentration at work with concentration on your needy wife and
soon-to-be kid. Guess what? Get used to it. Because once that baby
comes, you will be stressed out about that all the time. But I digress:
that's a different article.

Because you are basically "on call", you need to be prepared. You need
to be ready and able to pull a Superman at a moment's notice. That
means change out of your Clark Kent garb into different clothes ready
to save the day. Us men always have the need to don a Mr. Fix It hat.
(For you female readers, know that we can't help it)

Even if you have already packed your labor bag, there are a few more details to take care of.

POINT PERSON (WORK)
If you are willing and able to take paternity leave, you have already
alerted your boss, the human resources department, and your staff of
your impending time off. But when you receive the call, you won't have
time to track everyone down to tell them, "Now is the time." You need
to have a point person—a single point of contact who will relay any
important information. If you don't have one yet, get one immediately
and know all of their contact info.

{mosnooad}POINT PERSON (FAMILY&FRIENDS)
For your life outside of work, you will need to also have a point
person to contact immediately. This person typically plays a bigger
role in the process. They may be the ones watching your other kids
during labor, or the one that mobilizes the support troops to the
house. Regardless of role, you need to know their contact info.

WARDROBE CHANGE
I don't know of too many people who can say they are most comfortable
in their work clothes. You do not want to be spending 10 plus hours
huffing and puffing in a  $2000 Armani suit. Or a $200 Men's
Wearhouse special. Make sure you have an emergency outfit in your
office. This should include comfortable shoes, extra socks, and
comfortable layered clothing.

AVOID TRIPS
If you are able to, avoid business trips anytime between week 30 and the due date. (pretty self-explanatory I think)

KNOW THE PLAN
Your wife, when she is in labor, will not be terribly bright. They may
sound intelligent, they may even kick your ass at Scrabble while they
are in labor. But they will not be rational or detail-oriented. Make
sure you know the plan of attack from every angle leading up tot he big
day. For example:

If you take the train to work in the city and the hospital is in the
city and your wife is at home, what happens when she goes into labor?
Do you take the train back to home? Do you meet her at the hospital? Do
you cab it home? Does your point person drive her to the hospital?

Know the plan. (And make sure she knows it too)

POWER
I'm not talking about your own power. One thing witnessing the birth of
your kid will teach you is you are truly powerless compared to the
miracle you just witnessed. I'm talking about something a little more
tactical. I'm talking about chargers and batteries. If you leave
directly from work to the hospital, there is a chance you won't be home
for a couple of days. This means you should have chargers and batteries
for your cell phone, your digital camera, and your computer. The last
thing you want is your camera bugging out right before the birth. Or
your cell phone kicking out before you can tell the good news.

You guys are almost there. WIth a few more bits of planning, you will be ready to go at a moment's notice. Good luck noodads.

Nesting refers to a mother’s innate response to prepare your offspring’s habitat prior to birth and it is something humans share with other members of the animal kingdom. Turn on Animal Planet or The Discovery Channel and you’ll see some examples. 

Expectant female bass make a circular bed for their eggs by sweeping common lake debris like small stones, used condoms, and rusty Bud cans out of the way with their tails. Loggerhead turtles schlep cumbersome girth seventy feet up a beach in the middle of the night to dig a hole in the sand, deposit their eggs, and cover them up until they hatch.

What you won’t see on the nature shows is the female bass browbeating the male into assembling a crib four months early; or the male loggerhead trying to apply that cute teddy bear border—straight and with no air bubbles, God damn it!—under the watchful eye of Mrs. Turtle.  No, future dads, that’s all you.

Nesting usually starts innocently enough. ‘Hmmm,’ says your wife, with a hand on her chin, tapping her lip with her index finger, ‘The baby is coming pretty soon. We should really clean those dust bunnies from underneath the fridge. Today.’  Today’ will be a Sunday if the gestation period coincides with the NFL schedule. Instead of settling in from 11AM to 8 PM on the couch in sweats, you’ll be doing more useful, imperative things like sterilizing bottles and boiling silicone nipples.  

While your wife will initiate the nesting phase, don’t be surprised if you jump on the bandwagon. I decided that a month before my first son was due was precisely the right time to investigate one of the loose tiles on the shower wall in the only bathroom we had at the time. With a flathead screwdriver I carefully pried at the crumbly grout around a single tile. As one side came free, about a third of the remaining tiles crashed into the tub. The rock lathe wall was mushy and black with mold from all the water that had seeped behind the tiles. Behind that, soggy insulation slumped between 2 x 4s damp with mildew. A complete disaster. Luckily, my brother-in-law is a plumber and my brother had some construction experience; so we were able to piece a bathroom together by the time my wife and I returned from the hospital. Without them I would have been screwed.  

There are lessons to be learned from my nesting mishap. First, follow the lead of every other male in the animal world and let your wife drive the nesting process. Don’t mess with Mother Nature. Second, keep it simple. Her idea to wash all the baby clothes in Dreft and place them neatly folded into the dresser is way better than your brainstorm to try to refinish the hardwood floors. Finally, have fun with it. Nesting will provide you with some humorous tales with which to regale your friends and family. ‘Remember a few weeks before I had Joey? When we were baby-proofing the living room? You had one eye on the Red Sox game and accidentally stuck your finger in the outlet when you were putting in those plastic cap thingies! I hadn’t seen you jump like that since I told you I was late a few weeks after we hooked up in college for the first time!’  Ha, ha, ha!

Be prepared for nesting, but don’t be afraid.  Like the rest of the pregnancy, you will survive.  Best of luck noodads!

Thank goodness our instructor was 48 cards short of a full deck. She could have been Roseanne Barr"s sister, voice and all. She was very sarcastic and a little abrasive, but all in all good natured and tried to keep things light even when she was giving us the most important information. For instance, if your water breaks, if you bleed or if you don"t feel the baby kicking then come to the hospital. No, no YOU noodad, your wife, girlfriend or life partner. There are other reasons to go too, so you should go to the class if for no other reason than to learn — all of those reasons.

Videos of Childbirth

You"ll "get to see" at least 4 births on video during the process. I am squeamish about bodily happenings involving blood and fluid. I won"t even watch medical shows (<shiver> medical shows!) In our class, 3 of these came just before lunch with the promise of one shortly after. Who are these people who volunteer themselves for this? They should get reality stars to do. Those people will do anything. First they were on Survivor, then The Amazing Race, now watch Rob and Amber on the Hospital Channel"s Graphic Childbirth. "C"maaawwwwn Ambah. Push em out." Actually, my wife tells me that "V" from survivor was on a Baby Story on TLC. Go figure.

When we got back, Rosanne announced "ok, it"s time to watch another birth." With an enough-is-enough-already tone I said, "Please! I"ve seen enough." and she looked directly at me with a burning look of pure disdain and using that could-shatter-a-highball-glass voice said "YOU NEED TO SEE AT LEAST ONE MORE, MISTER! Joke"s on her. I was totally a sit-up-by-the-head-isnt-there-someone-more-qualified-to-cut-the-chord-man.

Charts and Graphs

After the movies, we looked at some cool charts. There"s one that showed us what our kids" poodad would look like if we were breastfeeding. Another was sort of like a an infant color pallette. Apparently it"s ok if your baby looks a little plaid right after they come out*. They also showed us how a baby"s skull is really soft and that it"s OK if their head is sort of cone shaped when we first meet them.

Something That No One Seems Willing to Share

One thing that very few women seem to know is that they LITERALLY leak for approximately 6 weeks after childbirth. Women apparently do not want to scare one another by letting their friends know that they will be a virtual faucet for a month and half post partum. When my wife asked her friends "Why didn"t you warn me about this?" I sensed that they secretly were amused because their friends never told them either. "Ooooh. Well, we didn"t want to scare <snicker> you."

During the class, Rosanne told us about disposable underwear, these huge, mega-absorbant, pads, stool softener and mega-sized bottles of ibuprofen. My wife leans over to me and is like "pffff, I"m not wearing those or using any of that crap." Fast forward to when we"re leaving the hospital, she was literally stealing as much of this stuff as she could. "I NEED THESE! PUT THEM IN THE BAG NOW!" Even after she used up the last pair of "Shallow Hal" panties, she regretted not poaching a few more.

Getting Your Diploma

If you pay attention in the class, you will learn enough to deliver the baby yourself**. If you pay attention a little, you will learn enough to do your part. Some insurance plans will even pay for the class so there goes your cheaping out excuse. Bottom line is that you will learn a lot! I didn"t mention even a third of the stuff that was covered (like Marconium!). As always, remember that medicine is a lot of science and a lot of art. You need to know what your wife"s wishes are in the event of an emergency and she is unable to communicate them. See: Writing a Kick Ass Birthing Plan for more information

*plaid was not really ok. As I recall, yellowy and greenish weren"t so bad however.

** You will not actually learn this much. Do not attempt this unless you get stuck in a traffic jam on the highway during rush hour and your wife is fully dilated with no doctors around to help you. I bet you"ll get your name in the paper if this happens.

Register to view and post comments. It"s fast, it"s easy and free!

Seriously though, I am Chinese and my wife is not. My kids are half-chinese, half white. This creates a whole new set of topics to talk about and examples to set. Frequently, my 4 year old daughter will comment on how “Daddy is the only one in the family that has black hair.” When asked what color mommy’s hair is and what color the kid’s hair is, it seems like a lesson in color theory:

Daddy = Black hair and Mommy = light brown hair therefore, kids = dark brown hair

Although my kids are exposed to Chinese traditions, customs, and food, they are also exposed to family traditions that are not based on race. So although my kids are exposed to the tradition of exchanging red envelopes at Chinese New Year, they are also active participants in a family tradition of eating Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins every Christmas morning.

My wife had an interesting conversation with my daughter the other day. While playing with some dolls, she remarked that one of the dolls skin is darker than the other. When my wife explained to her that some people have darker skin than others, my daughter replied, “ok.” Talk about an example of nurture versus nature. My daughter would reject a piece of bread because it was too dark but she is ok with the difference in skin color. (My wife and I were very proud)

My wife and I try our best to not stress the differences only. We have found it is important to teach our kids the similarities and the differences equally.

It is very easy for people to define our kids as half-Chinese. Sometimes the mentality, unfortunately, is if you aren’t white, you are something “exotic”. We try to teach our kids that they are part Chinese. They are also part German. And part Irish. In our predominantly white neighborhood, my wife frequently gets
asked whether our kids are adopted. When she tells them that their
father is Chinese, they step back with a big “Aha! That’s the reason.” I wonder if they would ask the same question if I pushed them around in the stroller.

I know this all seems idealistic. One big happy family living in harmony with ourselves and our traditions. But if you can’t start with your own kids, nothing will ever change.

Good luck noodads.

We all remember the scene from Alien where the alien larvae busts through the guy”s stomach. That was AWESOME. Well this isn”t like that, it IS that. The baby wants out, she wants it out and it”s more painful than 20 consecutive “humilating kicks in the crotch” to do so.

The great Bill Cosby talks about how his wife stood up in the middle of labor and announced that his parents were never married. In order to descibe the pain, she also opted to grab his bottom lip and pull it up over his forehead. My wife kindly explained to me that if I did not do everything she requested, she would strangle me with the umbilical cord or any available cord, cable or wire.

If she tells you to eat something and a split second later asks you “WHY ARE YOU EATING AROUND ME?”, just stop eating. If she says “WHY ARE YOU NOT NEAR ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT?” and you are not near her, you should be prepared for one of the following the SECOND that you get close to her: “WHY ARE YOU SO NEAR ME?” or “WHY ARE YOU EATING THAT AROUND ME?” Oops! You forgot to put down the food that you were not supposed to be eating after she told you to eat something. I should have told you to put down the food before you go over, shouldn”t I have?

The important thing in the delivery room is to be the quietest, most helpful, encouraging and obedient version of yourself as possible. You should be as dry as Weetabix and as unimaginative as is humanly possible. You should be as boring as the Lifetime Movie Network. This is not the time for wit Dane-Cook-wannabe-dad. Oh no. Sarcasm is not appreciated in the delivery room, nor are compliments. “Push Honey, Push!” may followed by “SHUT UP!”, “I CAAAAAAN”T” or “YOU ARE FINANCIALLY AND SEXUALLY FEEBLE”. This does not mean you should stop the encouragement, you just need to be as solid as one of those giant combine tractor tires. Those things are yooj. Because she is delirious, you need to make sure that you have gone over what she wants and does not want in the event that something unexpected happens. Know whether or not she wants an epidural and try to pay attention to whatevery any doctor or nurse is telling her in case you need to make any decisions. Try to be the one who is relaxed and encourage her to keep an open mind and to push whenever she is suppsoed to. Tell her that you love her even when she says that she loathes the piss soaked clothing on your back.

Summary: If she is hungry, it will be your doing. If she is in pain, it will be your fault. Take it like a man. Continue to encourage. Don”t hold it against her. Once the kid pops out, you will not remember a single word she said until several weeks later. The good news is that it will be funny then! Win/Win!

I”d love to hear some stories from you noodads. This would be a great reason to register and comment. It”s fast and free. Join noodad today.

On one hand you have parents who want their kid to play and enjoy whatever sport they want to. Sometimes that means daughters playing on boys little league teams. But there is a double standard when you don't allow boys to play on girls softball teams.  

Which brings us to this week's question…

Question : Should girls be allowed to play in boys Little League Baseball leagues?

There are some topics that seem to fall into the consensus category:
drunk driving is bad, guns kill people, Transformers are better than
GoBots. But that only covers less than 1% of the decisions you and your
spouse make towards the upbringing of your kids. The majority of issues
tend to fall more in the gray area.

Here at Noodad.com, we take pride in delivering important advice for
dads. But we realize that some of our advice is subjective. The
collected readership surely have things to add and unique perspectives
to contribute. That is why we are pleased to continue our
weekly feature called the Master Debaters Question of the Week.

We encourage everyone (men and
women) to weigh in—even if it is a simple one word answer. We hope a
lively discussion can develop.

We've hosted two of my son's parties at our house (not counting his 1st B-day).  We found that the first thing you have to do is have a plan and execute it. 

Step 1 is to have a defined party time limit and mark it clearly on the invitation.  Sometimes guests have trouble with an open-ended invite. You know, the cutesy "12:00 to ????".  If you tell them when to arrive and when to GTFO they won't be wondering if they need to stay longer so as to not appear rude, or when to figure out they've overstayed their welcome.

{mosnooad}

Step 2 is not to allow for too much idle time.  Have the whole event
planned out.  Here's what we did for a 4th birthday: When each kid
arrived they had a photo taken wearing a green plastic pith helmet in
front of a junglish background.  They then proceeded to a table where
they decorated a foam picture frame and colored their reptile-themed
goodie bag.  By the time everyone finished, the entertainment arrived
and was all set up in the basement.  We had a traveling reptile/animal
show called Curious Creatures.  The handler showed the kids a bunch of
animals, including a tarantula and a 7-foot reticulated python.  While
the show was going on, a couple of adults converted the craft table to
a cake-and-ice cream table.  When the show ended, the kids came up, we
had the cake, and then everyone left.  Later, we sent the kids a thank
you note along with their frame and photo.  Very little mess and
everyone had fun.  You don't need a lot of money.  You just need to be
creative.

Other thoughts: 

Save the present-opening for later.  Take the gifts from guests when
they arrive and put them in a secure location.  Present-opening time
can be a disaster. From kid guests not being able to handle watching
your kid getting all this cool stuff, to your kid letting everyone in
the room know what they think of the sweater a neighbor knitted for
him; you're doing everyone a favor by opening gifts later.

Don't be afraid to set limits to minimize destruction and messes. 
It's okay to tell kids where they can and can't take food and drink
in your home.  It's okay to tell them they can't play in your kid's
bedroom today or that they aren't allowed to use your leather couch as
a trampoline.  You don't have to surrender your home to abuse just
because you throw a party.

Stated simply, UPromise puts extra money in your college savings account. Corporations donate money to UPromise to gain customer awareness and loyalty. It’s a win-win situation. At the center of the UPromise world is the Section 529 savings plan. 529 plans come in a couple of flavors, but the most common is the standard college savings plan. Funds invested in a 529 plan mature and grow over time like any other investment, with a major added benefit that distributions from the plan are tax free if these funds are used for college expenses. Save for college using a standard brokerage account and in addition to the normal brokerage fees you’ll also get hit with a hefty capital gains tax once you pull the money for college or any other reason. Invest in a 529 plan and when you pull that money out for school you can do so without giving a cut to Uncle Sam.  

Register your credit cards with UPromise and they automatically seek out participating purchases. All you have to do is shop. The money magically appears in your account. You can use the funds you collect to open a new 529 plan, or you can link them to an existing plan. The list of participating companies is long and varied. Shopping online is even nicer when you see that your purchase will kick a rebate back to your savings.  

Contributions are usually between 1% and 4% of the purchase; however you can rack up real money if you buy big ticket items like a computer or even a house. Use a broker in conjunction with UPromise and your next home purchase can help you sock away up to $3,000.00 in your 529. We raised $300.00 without even trying. Now we actually seek out the participating companies. I have to gas up my car so I might as well visit the station that is willing to put a few cents towards my son’s college.

Is it really worth it to get fourteen cents back on the purchase of a tank of gas? By the time my first son is college age, a university education is estimated to cost $105,000. His brother will start a couple of years later, with an estimated cost of $118,000. It doesn’t take an accountant to figure out that I have some serious saving required. Knowing that, I’ll take every cent that corporate America is willing to give.

TWO BY TWO
They say your kid should get their teeth in pairs but that isn"t always the case. So if your kid is a one-toothed wonder, don"t worry. Your kid won"t be Sloth from Goonies forever. The other one will come in soon.

DROOL MONSTER
You will never experience more drool in your entire life. I"m talking Turner and Hooch type of drool. Your kid"s face will be a slobbering mess before, during, and after the teeth come in so hunker down and prepare to deal with it.

"CUTTING TEETH"
The first time I heard that my kid was "cutting teeth", I got really freaked out. But that is the term that people use when the teeth come in. It sounded to me like cutting keys at the hardware store. That"s the term. And it hurts your kid as much as it sounds like it does.

MEDICATE
You may want to stay strong and not medicate your kid, but let"s see how strong that notion is when you are up 3 nights in a row. Baby Tylenol is good with helping the accompanying fever but by far the best thing to give your kid is  called Hyland"s Teething Tablets. You can get them in most drugstores and they are homeopathic. These things are so tiny but they literally took my drooling, hysterical son and turned him into a cooing, sappy Gerber baby in less than 5 seconds. [editor"s note: Remember, we"re not your doc and we"re not your momma! Consult your pediatrician before giving your kid any medications.]

Good luck Noodads. Soon, your kid will have a whole mouth full of teeth and you will have to worry about retainers and cavities.

THE EARLIER THE BETTER
If your kid gets a splinter, try to get to it earlier than later. Sometimes when you get to it early, you can snag the damn thing out with your fingers.

DISINFECT EVERYTHING
If you do need to use a needle or tweezers, make sure you disinfect it with rubbing alcohol. And don"t forget to wipe down the infected area as well. The point is to ward off infection, not create one.

CHECK FOR INFECTION
Typically a submerged splinter will work its way out of the skin after a few days. The warming and cooling of the skin will contract the skin so it pushes it out for you. But if the area becomes red, swells, or fills with puss, you need to remove the splinter immediately.

THE GLUE TRICK
I heard a good trick to remove a splinter easily. This only works when one of the ends is exposed. Here"s what you do: pour Elmer"s white glue on top of the splinter end. Wait for it to dry. Peal it off the skin. The splinter should pop out with the glue. Pretty dope, eh?

TREAT YOUR KID
If you do need to use a needle, your kid will scream bloody murder. Make sure you have some sort of Popsicle or ice cream to settle them down afterwards. Word of advice, you will need one too cuz the sound of your kid"s screaming will traumatize ya.

Good luck Noodads. And avoid those splintered timber jungle gyms!